Finally Chevy has figured out a way for you to NEVER escape the incessant, meaningless blathering barfed out by all of your “friends” on Facebook. You never said more than two words to these people when you sat next to them in algebra 20 years ago, but thanks to the magic of Facebook, you now have an up-to-the-minute update of every dumb thing their fat kids do and say.
Well, guess what? Your once peaceful drive home from the adult book store is now going to be filled with wacky anecdotes about microwaved Legos and pancakes found under rugs. Good luck getting a boner after that.
I invite you all to take a look at your Facebook “news feed” right now and imagine what it would sound like to have it read to you by your car. For example, if I was driving right now I would learn that “After shopping all afternoon with my kids, it’s safe to say I am NOT a ‘shop till you drop’ kind of person!!! LOL!”
I’ve got plenty of things to say about everyone’s personal reality show, Facebook, but after seeing these two status updates today, and the odd thumbs up-ing that followed, I decided it was time to share my important opinion on the misuse of the “Like” button.
Perhaps we should blame Facebook for not having a button for the three main human emotions… “like,” “dislike” and “this is giving me a boner.” However, I would suggest we should blame ourselves (not me) for not understanding the proper usage of the thumb positioned in an upward direction.
My advice would be to pretend that person is standing right in front of you telling you their “status” face to face. Let’s try it out…
“I just found out I have cancer.” “I LIKE IT!”
“My dog was just hit by a car.” “I LIKE IT!”
“I fear I will never fulfill my dream to be a professional juggler.” “I LIKE IT!”
Only one of those responses was appropriate, can you pick which one?
By the way, it’s very tacky to make your murder party BYOB. If I’m paying $10 at the door I expect a keg at the very least. Other than that I’m sure it’s going to be a blast!
I was in the middle of writing a brilliant piece about something important when I noticed a technical problem taking a pee pee all over me. It’s boring and lame and stupid and annoying and the end result is no post today.
At least I can give you this video which proves the existence of God.
Finally there’s a way I can also not care about what your baby is doing.
Let’s see if I can describe this new invention without killing myself. Twoddler may look like your average Playskool activity center but this little piece of shit is hooked up to Twitter so every time little Susie moves the plastic piece with your face on it a tweet is sent to you saying something like “Hey asshole, look what I can do… randomly touch things.”
Am I the last sane person on this planet? If this takes off I’m moving to a cabin in the woods. I don’t want to live in a world where babies keep me up to date every minute of the day. “I C poopies on da floor. LOL.” Come to think of it, how can you tell if a tweet is from a baby or an adult with the ridiculous way people write these days? I’m guessing a baby could tweet something just as intelligent as, say, Miley Cyrus.
Let’s see if you can guess which of these tweets (I fucking hate that term) are from babies and which are from adults…
“jus ate sum soup”
“spendt da day on da couch in PJs – LMAO”
“life is a jurney, U just half 2 take the furst step”
“yo, yall need to see ma new crib”
See? What’s the difference? It’s all inane, utterly useless bullshit nobody needs to know.
OK, everyone can stop crying about it now, the transfer to my new host has begun. I will be back up and complaining in a hilarious fashion in a couple days. Lucky for you all this bullshit is making me extra angry and cranky. I’m about to go off the rails.
Sorry the site has been slow and/or down the last couple days. I’m finally going to bite the bullet and get the fuck away from my piece of shit host. So please be patient as I get that setup, it might take a few days. I’ve said it before, FUCK EVERYTHING!
I think I’m going to be moving this entire site to a new host. This will either be the most awesome thing I have ever done, or the last time anyone sees the site. I suggest you all get your cameras out and take photos of your favorite posts, because it might be your only memory of You Just Made My List. So please bear with me over the next few days while I systematically destroy all my hard work.
