You just made my list!

You son-of-a-bitch.

Just look at how cool you think you are, coconut. You think just because you are occasionally filled with boobs we should all give a shit about you. Here’s an idea, don’t taste like paste.

I sure do love foods that require power tools to eat. After 30 minutes of pounding and smashing, how do you reward me… with your shitty “milk” and your shittier “meat.” Fuck off you round jerk.

You ruin everything you touch (with ONE exception). Oh, and you kill people! All you fans of coconuts just think about that for a second, your precious coconut with the cute little face on the shell wouldn’t think twice about killing your stupid ass.

So if you want to eat an impossible to open, shitty tasting seed with a crappy texture, have fun, I’ll be eating a delicious pluot in my car.

I quit. I will never try to do anything again.

I found out last week, thanks to a hard-hitting article on Yahoo, that apples are bad for me. Yeah, that’s right, fucking APPLES are going to kill me. Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the morning?

Apparently apples are covered in pesticides and washing them does next to nothing to remedy that little problem. The pesticides are designed to stick to the fruit in the rain, so you have to either peel your apple or wash it in some hippie fruit cleaner to make it safe to eat. Fuck that, I’m going to fill my fat face hole with pork rinds until I die.

Why do any of us bother to do anything? You just can’t win in a world where apples are bad for you and Wild Hogs is a successful movie. Guy Fieri walks the earth with his God damn sunglasses on the back of his fat neck but John Lennon is dead? We live in a world where apples will poison you and the Kardashians are rich and famous!

I’m going to kill myself. I’ll start by eating some apples.

Red Delicious? More Like Red NOT Delicious! OH SNAP!!!

Let me tell you something Mr. Red Delicious, you fucking suck. You suck ass and you suck balls. You might LOOK delicious, but you taste like disappointment. You taste like unfulfilled dreams.

You sit there acting like your shit don’t stink when the reality is that, not only does your shit stink, your crappy apple meat stinks too. Sure, you have that textbook “apple” look but who gives a shit, Carrot Top looks funny but it doesn’t make him funny.

You could really learn a thing or two from the Honeycrisp apple. If it wasn’t for this incredible apple variety I would put ALL apples on my list!

Honeycrisp = Public Enemy’s “Night of the Living Baseheads”
Red Delicious = The Super Bowl Shuffle

Oh holy Lord, do I love me some pluots!

If you were like me a couple weeks ago, you are now scratching your head and saying in a very dumb voice “what’s a pluot?” You stupid fucking idiot, it’s only the best God damned fruit on this hell hole we call planet Earth. A pluot is a genetically engineered hybrid of a plum and an apricot. I already loved the fuck out of plums but I honestly have no idea what a stupid apricot tastes like, and I don’t give a shit because listen up dummy, when a plum and an apricot love each other very much the result is a beautiful pluot! A pluot could be made from Guy Fieri’s ball sweat and I would still make sweet love to them every night.

Oh… oh… OH… let me tell you about a man who should be worshiped and feared. A man who looks at God’s fruit and says “Are you fucking kidding me? Is that the best you got?” This beautiful son-of-a-bitch is Floyd Zaiger, the genius who first forced a plum and an apricot to have dirty sex (that’s how it’s done, right?). Compared to Floyd, you and I are insignificant, worthless failures. Yeah, that’s right, when was the last time YOU invented the best tasting fruit in the FUCKING UNIVERSE? You and I sit around all day eating Pringles and watching people fall off their skateboards on YouTube, while this magnificent creature designs a piece of fruit so delicious it would make Jesus cry. There should be a never-ending line of people on their knees waiting to blow this man.

Floyd Zaiger is GOD!