You just made my list!

There is nothing more tragic than white people who think they are somehow tapping into some great mystic force because they purchased a plastic dreamcatcher when they stopped at the Kum & Go for some lottery tickets and a Slim Jim. I hate to tell you this Linda, but the fact that you think you are 1/32 Cherokee and you collect wolf figurines makes you about as spiritual as a stripper. How’s that dreamcatcher working out for you by the way? If your dream was to dress exclusively in sweatpants and oversized Looney Tunes T-shirts then I guess it’s working. Did you pray to the wolf spirit for an alcoholic husband who loves Nickelback and works at Pizza Hut? Is the wind God helping you lose that last 165 lbs. you just can’t seem to lose on your own? Stop embarrassing yourself Linda!

Much like dropping my keys, an irrational rush of anger fills my body when it’s windy. I HATE WIND!

I once heard about a small community of settlers in the west who went insane because the wind never stopped blowing. I tried to find information on this but couldn’t. Well, by try I mean I googled “wind makes settlers crazy” and when the top result was not what I was looking for I gave up. I’m sure it’s true though.

*My friend and editor of this blog (yes, I need an editor) found it here.

It’s like God is teasing you and trying to fuck with your mind. I’m sure he had a big ‘ol laugh while those pioneers were running around pulling their hair out and watching that hair blow away. God is mean.

Fuck you wind.

Geez God, what the hell? Did you have to kill Eartha Kitt on Christmas? Is it because she sang about your arch-rival Santa Claus in the amazing “Santa Baby”? Man, take a day off from all the killing and enjoy your son’s birthday.

Eartha Kitt was my favorite Catwoman, hands down and “Santa Baby” is in my top 10 Christmas songs of all time. Eartha Kitt was awesome. She passed away from colon cancer in her Connecticut home at age 81.