How is it possible that I still see people walking around with pantyhose on their heads? Is this fashion nightmare here to stay? Is it as ingrained into popular culture as the baseball hat or Tasmanian Devil tattoos? Why am I the last awesome person left on this godforsaken planet?!?
I especially like white guys who wear do-rags. Nothing says “I got fired from Outback Steakhouse for masturbating on my lunch break in the janitor’s closet” like a white guy in a do-rag. And don’t think you Larry The Cable Guy lovin’, Keysotne Light drinkin’, Nickelback listenin’, Harley ridin’ sum bitches are gonna sneak by unnoticed. The white trash do-rags come pre-tied! How hard is it tie a panty on your head? At least ghetto dudes take the time to tie their own do-rags, but you American Chopper fans are apparently too busy searching for that Slim Jim that rolled under the couch to be bothered.
In summation, you look like an asshole with that thing on your head. Unless you are a pirate or you have cancer. Cancer patients are allowed to rag it up.
I really could have just titled this post “The hats worn by Pearl Jam’s Jeff Ament” and been done with it, but I didn’t want to cheat you out of my hilarious musings.
What is it with old white guys in shitty bands and their love affair with backwards Kangol, berets and other random dumb hats? Obviously a high percentage of these turds (especially Jeff Ament) wear these silly things in a sad attempt to fool the audience* into thinking a wild mane of thick, luxurious hair is waiting to spring forth from its hat cage. Unfortunately we all know the truth.
I can almost forgive the bald guys, but what’s really upsetting are the guys who actually think they look “cool” and youthful because they are rocking a beret. I think in their minds it’s sort of like the cliche of the bookish secretary who needs only to let down her hair and remove her glasses to suddenly look like a porn star. These guys come home after a long casual Friday, pop on the T-shirt/blazer combo, carefully place the Kangol hat at just the right angle that says “whatever man, I’m just hangin'” and, ta-da, the transformation from working stiff to rock star is complete!
I really take comfort in being better than everyone.
*audience = 5 people from their office who had to attend because they have run out of excuses.
Enough is enough! I am seriously so fucking sick of people wearing their stupid hats crooked on their empty heads. What message are they trying to send? “Hey man, I don’t play by the rules.” Fuuuuuck yooooou! They are all a bunch of douchebag lemmings who couldn’t produce an original thought if they tried. In general I’m sick and tired of everyone walking around like they are straight outta Compton. I’m at the end of my rope with all this ghetto culture bullshit. Every decade has their lame ass fashion fad. In the 90’s it was flannels tied around the waist and now it’s these god damn crooked fucking hats.
How did I get to be the coolest person in the world?!?
