You just made my list!

I have a real love/hate relationship with NPR. Yesterday while listening to the program “Re:sound” on my shower radio (soak it in ladies) it was all hate! It started off innocently enough with various music related subjects but the last segment sent me into a rage spiral. A sexy, sexy, naked rage spiral!

The host of the program, Gwen Macsai, said something like “blah blah bah, and finally here’s a chorus of teapots.” I was optimistic and thought someone had found a way to play a tune with multiple whistling tea kettles. Nope. It was literally four tuneless, screaming, hissing teapots drilling their way through my ears. Now, if that wasn’t bad enough, Gwen gets back on the mic and says something like “that was ‘Four Teapots’ produced by blah blah blah AND blah blah blah.” Do you understand what I am saying here? It took two people to record and “produce” the whistling teapots! TWO PEOPLE! It took two people in ironic nerd glasses and sensible thrift store shoes to record some noisy teapots. Fuck off!

If you don’t believe me (I wouldn’t) take a look at the bottom of this page.

NPR has some great shows and thankfully they exist as an alternative to the sea of mindless drivel that fills most of the airwaves but they just can’t help themselves from doing stupid shit. No wonder so many people hate liberals. Being told a bunch of howling teapots is art is enough to make me vote Palin/Limbaugh in 2012.

I have nothing against people riding bikes (except these cock holes) and I have nothing against trying to burn less gas by riding a bike BUT if you have ever been hijacked by these assholes you can understand my anger.

If you don’t know what “Critical Mass” is consider yourself lucky. The last Friday night of every month hundreds of bikers gather and ride through urban areas causing traffic jams with smirks on their ironically mustached faces. They ride in a large group and take great joy in holding up traffic by stopping in busy intersections and riding around in circles. In general it’s a parade of assholes that pisses everyone off.

It’s the typical, misguided, hippie theory of protesting. Make sure EVERYONE hates you at all times!

“Hey dudes, like we should teach everyone about how awesome bikes are. I was thinking we could like hold up traffic and make everyone hate the sight of a bicycle and like show people how much gas cars waste by making them waste more gas while we block their yuppie asses. It will be totally sweet and create even more pollution. Now, where’s my mustache wax?”

Can you tell I was just trapped by these douchebags on Friday? Idiots.

You know how I know there is no God? Every time I see a dirty hippy on their tall bike I pray to God and baby Jesus they will fall. I don’t want them to get hurt (maybe a little) but I do desperately want them to tip over. This is the only thing I ever pray for and when I’m praying for it I’m praying hard. Here’s God’s chance to prove his existence but nothing ever happens. I’ll tell you this, if God is on the side of the tall bikers I don’t want any part of his lame ass.

Does your city have these assholes? Here’s an idea, spend a little more time in the shower and a little less time forcing two bikes to fuck each other for all of eternity. You already have a hilarious, ironic mustache, guy, how much more attention do you need? Are you really that desperate to be noticed? Is it because nobody ever goes to your drum circle even though you put like a million flyers up all over the place? These urban clowns are like the smelly, poor version of these jerks. “Look at me all the way up here. Love me. Think I’m different. Me and all these other tall bike guys are different, right?” These guys are really stickin’ it to the man with their outrageously tall bikes, if the man is a normal human being who showers more than once a month.

In summation, fuck off and quit hoggin’ all the bikes!