You just made my list!

I’m out for a long weekend, try to not kill yourself. Please enjoy kittens massaging kittens in my absence.

All I know is that every time I get a massage it looks nothing like the tranquil rocks-on-the-back photos I always see advertised. In fact, it’s usually midnight, I’m somewhere near the airport and I’m sitting in the parking lot of a 7-11 trying to freshen up by triggering a Glade Sense & Spray off in my pants. Sorry, I like to be presentable for the ladies, sue me.

But wait, that’s not the point of this post! I’m not attacking hot stone massages, rather I take issue with the endless parade of identical massage stock photos we are forced to suffer through. Sure, the boob squishing out from the side is a check in the plus column but is it enough? Is it enough? I’m here to ask the difficult questions.

I sincerely hope you have found yourself on this page after doing a Google search for “massage stock photos” and I hope you are now rethinking your decision to use a photo of a topless woman with “rock spine.” I understand why you want to use a photo like this but I implore you to help put an end to this epidemic. Let’s do this together, let’s think outside the box.

Maybe… just thinking off the top of my head here… maybe we can try some with the woman on her back? Maybe she’s in heels? You know, something fuckin’ classy.

Remember in the last post when I said my next post would be better? Boy did I get that wrong!

Can’t I just walk to Old Navy and return these cargo pants in peace without seeing your fat lazy ass getting molested by a robot in front of Cinnabon?

I don’t need to see you on the brink of an orgasm while you sit there getting a happy ending from a La-Z-Boy in your Everybody Loves Raymond T-shirt. And for the love of God, can you PLEASE put your shoes (Crocs) back on? Your dirty Frito toenails are ruining my appetite for Sbarro.

Is this “massage” a wise investment? Can you really relax while basking in the glow of The Cell Phone Zone? Luckily, you won’t need massage oil because the sweat of every Insane Clown Posse fan who preceded you keeps your little robot chair nice and lubed.

Congratulations, you found a way to make shopping malls even more horrible.

See the look on this woman’s face? You will never look like this while getting a massage from me.

I don’t care if giving a 5 minute massage would lead to hot, sweaty sex with Lucy Liu on a private Caribbean island while Brooke Burke and Keeley Hazel watch and beg to join in, I’m not doing it so stop asking, Lucy!

I absolutely LOVE to RECEIVE a massage, especially from a professional (insert happy ending joke here), but I despise giving them. I would rather retake the SATs than massage your back. When I try to give a massage I begin with good intentions but literally after 10 seconds I am sick and tired of it. I’m not happy, you’re not happy, so why bother?