You just made my list!

Please stop telling me your options have changed because I know they haven’t.

Apparently every company I have ever called since 1998 is constantly striving for the PERFECT order in which to place their 4 options, like they are the Lennon and McCartney of automated phone menus.

“Hey boss, I was doing some thinking about our phone menu over the weekend instead of attending my son’s 1st birthday party.”

“Go on, I’m listening.”

“Now, just hear me out OK. I think it might be time to put customer service at position 2 which would allow us to put sales at number 3.”

“Johnson, my grandfather started this company in 1918 with only $2, a tin of sardines and a shoelace. From day one our customers could access our company directory by pressing #1, sales has been #2 and customer service has always been #3. Where, sir, do you get the balls big enough to suggest changing some of our options?”

“Mr. Parker, with all due respect to you and your grandfather, I am merely suggesting that it might be time to change some of our options.”

“Johnson, I’ve never liked you, but this company is not doing well and I am willing to try anything at this point. You may change the pre-recorded menu options but SO HELP ME GOD, you had better warn people!”

Don’t even get me started on Facebook. Too late.

I’ve got plenty of things to say about everyone’s personal reality show, Facebook, but after seeing these two status updates today, and the odd thumbs up-ing that followed, I decided it was time to share my important opinion on the misuse of the “Like” button.

Perhaps we should blame Facebook for not having a button for the three main human emotions… “like,” “dislike” and “this is giving me a boner.” However, I would suggest we should blame ourselves (not me) for not understanding the proper usage of the thumb positioned in an upward direction.

My advice would be to pretend that person is standing right in front of you telling you their “status” face to face. Let’s try it out…

“I just found out I have cancer.”
“I LIKE IT!”

“My dog was just hit by a car.”
“I LIKE IT!”

“I fear I will never fulfill my dream to be a professional juggler.”
“I LIKE IT!”

Only one of those responses was appropriate, can you pick which one?

By the way, it’s very tacky to make your murder party BYOB. If I’m paying $10 at the door I expect a keg at the very least. Other than that I’m sure it’s going to be a blast!

I was sitting at my desk tonight, working on the computer when all of a sudden – total darkness. I’m not going to lie, it was creepy for a minute. Luckily I have the “flashlight” application on my iPhone which simply turns the screen white, providing just enough light to get around. I got some candles and sat in the cold darkness (no heat without power) for 2 hours like an Amish dude.

You really take things like electricity for granted until it’s gone. I could not do anything. I could not even get my car out of the garage. Well, if I wasn’t too lazy to manually pull up the door I could have gotten my car out but what am I, Amish?

I realized that I have not sat in a quiet room doing nothing for… I don’t know, ever? It kind of made me feel dumb that something so simple was completely throwing my night into a tailspin.

This was a boring post but keep in mind I have just been through a traumatic disaster!

I actually kind of feel sorry for the poor idiot whose job it is to “invent” new toothbrushes. Some guy who got a Masters in engineering and dreamed that one day he would change the world while working with an elite team of scientists in a C.S.I. style lab in Switzerland is in reality hopping in his PT Cruiser every morning to work in a basement lab in Dayton to “reinvent” the toothbrush every 6 months. This poor son of a bitch comes home every night to cold leftover Olive Garden, a wife dressed head to toe in bedazzled denim and a son who may or may not be worshipping the devil. He works 10 hours a day under buzzing fluorescent lights just to rearrange some bristles on an invention that was pretty much figured out in the 1800s. I mean, it’s a fucking brush. God, I just want to give this guy a hug!

I can’t even find a normal toothbrush at the pharmacy any more. I just want the classic colorful plastic handle with clear, straight bristles but all of the brushes on the market look more like sex toys than something you want to stick on your mouth.

The first person who can tell me where to buy/order the classic toothbrush will win this Jesus Puzzle.