You just made my list!

Because I’m awesome, I’ve been working 14 hour days… everyone wants a piece of my talent. Of course this means you, my flock, suffer. For this, I am sort of sorry.

Blah blah blah, Paula Deen, bacon, butter, mayonnaise, fat, loud, giant head, scary eyes, more butter… You get the point.

If you have ever doubted this woman’s talent, just check out this advanced recipe for English Peas only a pro could come up with.

Fuck off, I’m going to bed.

Hey, here’s a great idea, let’s float around the middle of the ocean trapped in a giant mall with a bunch of shitty assholes. If we really get lucky, we can all catch the same mystery illness from our little white trash ecosystem. Don’t worry too much about catching something though, it rarely happens!

Who wants to do this? What’s fun about floating around on a giant Holiday Inn and stopping for only an hour in various ports where the locals descend on you like the pubic lice you will no doubt catch from your bed sheets? Then, every night you are forced to eat dinner with strangers who just can’t stop talking about how much they enjoy reruns of “Tool Time.” They will be referring to “Home Improvement” but will call it Tool Time even though they literally watch it every day.

You know when people disappear form cruise ships? I promise you they are jumping to their deaths after the third day of listening to yokels babble on and on about how “funky” that Paula Deen is.

There is no amount of money that could convince me to waste my vacation on a cruise.*

*I know, I know… there are cool, smaller cruises that go to places like Alaska. I’m not talking about those. Maybe I am. I don’t know anymore.

Dreams DO come true! Paula Deen is used to large amounts of food flying towards her face, but this time the food won the battle. Sit back and enjoy Paula Deen getting hit in the face with a ham.

So I was thinking, maybe I should do a douchebag-of-the-year award kind of thing but there were too many assholes to pick from. My brain started to boil over while mentally running down the list of potential “winners” and I had a small rage-induced stroke. After recovering I decided that this little idea of mine was too difficult and felt like actual work so I sent it back to hell. While trying to narrow down all the wonderful D-bags of 2008 I realized people from the Food Network kept popping up. So somehow the idea turned into this handy guide to the douchebags and non-douchebags of the Food Network.

*Quick note: If anyone comments that I am “jealous” of any of these people I will hunt you down and pee in your mouth.

OK, here’s the list in order of shittiest to least crappy.

#1 GUY FIERI (tie)
SUPER ULTRA TOOL
Oh Guy, sweet sweet Guy. This is your 3rd appearance on my list, congratulations you big fucking turd! I hate you and your 1950’s via 1992 Swingers clothes and if I hear you describe a sandwich as “money” one more time fire will shoot from my ears. The sight of your fat, sweaty face is about as appetizing as watching a homeless person puke on a pile of dog shit.




#1 DUFF GOLDMAN (tie)
MEGA COCK HOLE
Duff and his whole staff of wannabe cool kids bug the living shit out of me. NERDS! You can throw devil horns in the air all you want and grow a little pussy beard but you will never hide the fact that you are a dork. By the way, when I say “pussy beard” I mean it literally looks the pubic hair of a girl in Penthouse. The best part about this jerk is that his cakes AREN’T EVEN CAKE! He makes his “cakes” out of rice krispies, wood, metal and rope. Delicious! “Blow out your candles Bobby but DON’T eat the cake, I repeat do not try and eat your cake, you will die!”




#2 EMERIL LAGASSE
FAT, LOUD TURD
This guy is shit from head to toe. Why is it that the quickest way to the general public’s heart is to trim your identity down to one simple concept? Larry The Cable Guy has his “git ‘er done” and Emeril has his trademark “BAM” to fire up his audience of drooling underachievers. He’s a crappy chef and an even crappier piece of crap.




#3 RACHAEL RAY
LOUD, ANNOYING AND LOUD
Welcome back to the list Rachael! You still suck and you’re still loud and abrasive like a chainsaw ripping through a chain link fence. Is she married? I can not imagine a worse fate than marrying that mouth of hers. She is exactly the kind of woman I could never date. Even if she was super hot, which she is not, I would not be able to take that voice and the incessant cutesy “EVOO” “yummers” bullshit.




#4 PAULA DEEN
LOUD, ANNOYING AND LOUD
If you put me in a room with Rachael Ray and Paula Deen I guarantee I could claw my way through brick and steel to escape. Boy do I hate “aw shucks” down-home country charm. She’s the Forrest Gump of the Food Network. I bet she fucking LOVED Sarah Palin and her folksy stupidity.




#5 BOBBY FLAY
ASS
This guy thinks he’s the Fonzie of the Food Network. Why is he always “throwing down” and challenging people? We get it, you’re a street smart kid who grew up on the mean streets of New York. Can’t he let some guy in South Carolina be the best at making chili? Does he have to blow into town with the intention of taking everyone down a notch? Sit on it Flay!




#6 ALTON BROWN
BORDERLINE DOUCHEBAG
Eh, I guess Alton Brown is OK for the most part but he does have a pinch of doucheiness don’t you think? He’s a little perky for my taste and I get the impression he thinks he’s cool. Not so much, Alton. He’s right in the middle between sucking and being awesome because he is extremely knowledgeable and owns a motorcycle.




#7 TYLER FLORENCE
SEEMS OK TO ME
I don’t know, he seems nice enough, right? He’s not very annoying and that’s probably why the Food Netowrk has only given him one show. Come on Tyler, turn the annoying knob to 11 and you might get 2 or 3 more shows. Try yelling more!






#8 MARIO BATLI
FULL OF HIMSELF BUT STILL AWESOME
Yeah, Mario thinks he’s the shit and he likes to brag about the celebrities he hangs with but his amazing talent trumps all of that. “Molto Mario” is one of the all-time great programs on the Food Network. This guy knows his shit and it’s fascinating to listen to him discuss Italian cuisine. I’ve eaten at one of his restaurants and it was awesome. Suck it Emeril!




#9 JAMIE OLIVER
AWESOME
I used to HATE Jamie Oliver but I can’t remember why exactly. I do remember when I started liking him though. There was a reality show that chronicled his opening of a restaurant that was to be completely staffed by troubled kids from the wrong side of the tracks. This was no bullshit show, these kids were “bad” and although they constantly screwed Jamie over he never gave up on them. It was honestly inspiring and made me love the guy. Sorry for having feelings!




#10 GIADA DE LAURENTIIS
BOOBS!
Sorry girls, it’s just the way things go. Sure Giada is pretty annoying but Jesus Christ does she know how to dress and flash that cleavage! She seems like a good chef but I am usually too hypnotized by the boobs to notice. OK, her head is huge (physically) and she’s overly enthusiastic but she’s hot and loves to show off that kissing cleavage. That alone is enough to make her the most awesome Food Network chef. Sorry, It’s my fucking list!

This was torture. I am never putting this much work into this blog again.

I really have a stick up my ass for super tool and host of The Food Network show ‘Diners, Drive-ins and Dives’ Guy Fieri. If I ever see him walking towards me on the street I’m gonna… well I don’t know if I could even tell if he was walking towards me because the retard wears his sunglasses on the back of his head. Well played Fieri, you are like a cobra!

What do I hate most about this turd, it’s so hard to choose. Is it his wussy, 1996, “Swingers,” rockabilly wardrobe? Maybe it’s his permanent, fake smile and aggressively annoying laugh? The TGI Friday’s commercials? It could be that he ruins what could be one of the only watchable shows on The Food Network. I love to eat at diners and drive-ins but I can’t make it through an episode thanks to this ass.

While I’m at it, let’s throw most of The Food Network on my god damn list. They have a bad habit of hiring the most annoying people on the planet and then giving them about 20 shows each. You can’t turn that channel on without Bobby Flay trying to fight you or Paula Deen trying to eat you.

Guy Fieri and The Food Network, I want a written apology!