You just made my list!

If you know me personally, there is a good chance you know that I hate to poop. You may also know that I can go several days without pooping. Those poop-free days feel like a gift from God. I would imagine it feels not unlike getting a call from the Governor that spares you from the electric chair.

I am not trying to be funny or outrageous with these claims, I honestly hate everything about pooping. People often try to convince me that “pooping feels soooo good” but I will never understand how forcing a tube of warm, smelly feces out of my butthole is supposed to feel good. I feel sad and humiliated while taking a dump. You know the way most dogs look embarrassed when pooping in public? I’m sure I look exactly the same every time I poop.

Pooping at home is bad enough but the panic I feel when I realize I am going to have to shit in a public bathroom is unrivaled. Taking a shit in an airport might be the worst thing to ever happen in my life. NO, pooping on the plane is even worse.

I need to go lie down.

p.s. I love farting! I just wanted to clear that up.

Yeah that’s right, I have a terrible hangover so this post is going to suck balls. When I get a hangover it renders me useless for the entire next day. I literally spent the day sick on the couch (not including when I was sleeping on the bathroom floor).

Rather than try to be creative I will simply tell you about the last time I got absolutely blind drunk. I attended a wedding for a couple I did not know well so I sought companionship from several gin and tonics at the open bar. The wedding reception was followed with a stop or two at some local bars. Sometime around 4am I woke up and punched myself in the face. I guess I’m an angry drunk. During this self-induced face punch my thumb went up my nose causing blood to pour all over the place. Still drunk I stumbled to the bathroom to attend to my nose and to possibly barf. I should mention by this point I was literally soaked from cold sweats. So there I was with my face resting on the toilet seat which was now covered in sweat and blood. The room was spinning and I desperately wanted to throw up but just could not make it happen. For some reason I decided I needed to poop so I stood up on my shaky legs. The next thing I remember was a loud crash that sounded exactly like my head hitting the floor. Turns out it was my head hitting the floor. The crash woke me up so I stood again, pulled down my sweaty, bloody underwear and sat on the toilet. In the meantime my wife woke to a blood soaked bed and a missing husband. She walked to the bathroom and was trying to open the door but I held it closed. What happened next still confuses me. I sat there on the toilet whimpering and speaking pure gibberish. I mean I was sitting there really balling bawling like a crazy person.  I never pooped or barfed.

I did not drink for a long time after that.

Have you ever seen someone and in less than a second you just know they are a tool? It’s a subtle observation because they basically look normal but maybe it’s something about their hair or their choice of tie that clues you into the fact that they suck. You just don’t like the cut of their jib!

Well this happened to me while waiting in line today at Jimmy John’s. From the beginning it was destined to be an annoying event. I walked in and stood behind a guy who was obviously in line. I mean, when you stand in front of the register at the “order here” sign it means you are in line, right? Turns out not always. After I realized this guy wasn’t doing shit I asked if he was, in fact, in line. He turned and looked at me as if I had just asked if I could fuck his wife and said “noooo” like I was an idiot for asking. Strike one. Then his douchey friend emerged from the back (probably pooping and not washing his hands) and I just knew instantly that this guy was trouble. Both of these guys looked “normal” in their Dockers and sensible hair cuts but I knew some shit was about to go down. Literally.

Like most Jimmy John’s this space was small and echoey so nobody had to strain to hear these guys discussing raw sewage and poop. It wasn’t so much that this discussion of human waste grossed me out (it obviously did a little), it was really more that I don’t understand jerks like this who have zero awareness of the world that exists 3 inches past their fat faces. How do you not know to move out of the way after you order? How do you not notice the humans standing behind you who obviously think you are in line? How do you not know that the lunch crowd does not want to hear about how your family’s smelly shit is backing up into the yard?

How did I get to be the smartest person on earth?