You just made my list!

When will it end?

I have been waiting for Jon Bon Jovi and his hair to go away since 1987 but somehow, like a bland zombie, he keeps eating my brains.

WAIT! STOP! Fight that urge to tell me that 80s Bon Jovi is “awesome” because “Livin’ On A Prayer” sucked then and it continues to exponentially suck now.

“But what about ‘Wanted Dead or Alive?'” you ask. It is true that riding on a steel horse and leaving no face un-rocked has a certain je ne sais quoi but, much like what we see with the Areosmith formula, any awesomeness found within “Wanted Dead or Alive” is erased by 20+ years of faces being sprayed with the shit that spews from this ass’s ass.

The summer before my senior year of high school I was super in love with this mysterious girl who moved to my town from another state, a Bon Jovi loving state. When I discovered she was a huge Jovi fan and not a fan of the flawlessly awesome music I listened to, I had to cut her loose.* Sorry baby, I’ve seen a million faces…

*She dumped me.

Did you realize you have been wasting your time with toilet paper for over 100 years you big fucking moron? Finally some genius came to his senses and realized there is a much better way to clean our shitty buttholes!

It’s so simple… just keep your poo stick near the toilet. After you explode a load of crap into the bowl, simply take a wad of toilet paper and insert it into your poo stick, reach behind your back, locate your shit-covered bunghole, jam the stick up there and pull it back up behind you with extra care so as not to smear shit all over your back and hair. Almost done… next just carefully stand up and turn around without letting your poopie ass touch anything and eject the soiled paper into the bowl. Just a few more steps… sit back down, grab another handful of toilet paper and DELICATELY insert it into your poo stick because it will now be covered in feces. Reach back behind you without letting your shit-covered poo stick touch ANYTHING on the way down and jam it back up into that brown mess. Stand, eject and repeat as needed. Once your barking spider is finally clean you are going to want to flush the toilet and clean off any feces that you may have accidentally smeared on your back, legs, hands, hair, clothes, towels and/or walls. All you have to do next is wash your crap-encrusted poo stick in the bath tub and put it back near the toilet. Simply clean your bath tub with bleach and that’s it. SIMPLE! As promised, your dignity is intact.

It really is the modern solution. I mean using toilet paper these days is about as smart as still using AOL for your email!

The Comfort Wipe poo stick is for anyone who poops… uptight blonde MILFs, uncles with bad shoulders, old ladies with mysterious accents and even big guys. That’s right, I said big guys! There are many disadvantages to being a big guy but one of the countless advantages is that you have the opportunity to be so fat that you need to wipe your big wet butthole with a stick. Lucky!

You know Comfort Wipe is going to work, I mean look at that perfectly clean white butthole right in their logo!

There are times in life when we must balance comfort with money. Often times one’s financial situation wins this battle and you find a can of Milwaukee’s Best pressed up against your lips. But this is OK sometimes. It is entirely wrong, however, to find a stiff slab of cheap toilet paper pressed up against your butt lips!

There simply is no excuse for choosing toilet paper that feels about as soft as a lemon zester when perfectly good, triple ply quilted toilet paper is sitting right there on the shelf. What is this, Russia? The great thing about being American is that we can smear our feces on toilet paper so luxurious a princess would gladly sleep upon it. Not the feces… she would gladly sleep on the toilet paper!

Pooping is already a horrible experience as far as I’m concerned, so why turn an ugly situation into more of a nightmare? I don’t want to hear about your budget or the environment or blah blah fucking blah. Grow up, buy some real toilet paper and watch your life change, you dirty ass (literally) hippie.

What’s that you ask? Which brand do I allow to touch my sweet bottom? I prefer Charmin Ultra Strong or Charmin Ultra Soft. I mean look at this… you can drag a 3 pound block of shit across your table and it won’t even rip!

The people of Gary welcome you. They welcome you with their Flaming Hot Cheeto-filled shit!

I fucking HATE Indiana. If you are from Indiana, I am sorry… I am sorry you are from Indiana!

Indiana’s official state motto is “The Crossroads of America.” In other words, “Nothing to see here, just keep on driving to your more awesome destination.” I am willing to declare that there is nothing worthwhile in the entire state. Not a single thing! I have never driven through Indiana without contemplating suicide the entire painful ride. The only thing that stops me from driving head-on into an oncoming 18-wheeler is the fear that my corpse would be fed to raccoons by the local authorities.

I guess if you like factories that look like they are from the dreams of a German child locked in an iron lung circa 1929, or endless cornfields broken up by shitty towns with the same 10 fast food chains, then Indiana is your kind of place. I know what you’re thinking, other states fit that description, but the difference is they ALSO have at least one reason to visit. Indiana is just unpleasant from border to border. It achieves a level of suckdom that no other state I have visited comes close to. Don’t try to tell me Indianapolis or the dunes are enough to save it. Indianapolis sucks gorilla scrotum and the dunes are surrounded by the rest of Indiana, so they lose too.

I hate Indiana.

For the first time since I was in high school I have a TV in my bedroom. It is thanks to this TV that I have been exposed to Kelly Ripa and her parade of enthusiastic nonsense!

Regis Philbin is either retarded or the most patient human on the planet. I feel like you could stick that man in a garbage bag filled with mosquitoes and he would keep on smiling and telling stories about having lunch with Charles Nelson Reilly or whatever the hell he talks about.

Kelly Ripa is that horrible kind of woman who thinks, and knows, she is oh so adorable and no matter how fucking annoying she is people fall all over themselves to love her. She could stand up on that desk and explode diarrhea all over Regis while eating a kitten and the audience of sassy hairs would giggle and hoot like a bunch of mindless idiots. The worst thing is that if I ever met Kelly Ripa I would probably fall under her whore spell (3 whore references in 4 days!) like a zombie. I’m trying to convince myself otherwise, but I would probably smile and thank her for blasting shit all over my face too.

Why is Kelly Ripa constantly shooting poop on people?

Who is coming up with this shit?

If I am to believe this bus ad for Credit Union 1, I have to ignore everything I have learned from over 3 decades of pornographic magazines and movies. These credit union jerks actually want me to be impressed by this woman’s “figure!” They actually want men to get HORNY from this? I mean sure, I love to see a woman in a red blazer from Dress Barn (I am a man) but this angry mom is not doing it for me. I’m not saying she’s real-life ugly but she’s hot-girl-in-an-ad ugly. And these jokers want to be in charge of MY financial future?

I don’t even know what to say about this billboard for Wheels of Chicago. The first time I saw it I was so bewildered that I accidentally kept driving until I woke up in an IHOP parking lot in Jackson Mississippi. I have no memory of driving there and could not tell you why I was no longer wearing pants. Luckily for you I got a solid C- in high school Spanish and should be able to translate this for you. Basically it says “Are you homeless? Do you smear your feces on your face? Bad credit? We don’t give a shit, we’ll sell you a car poo face!”

Oh, hi corn, it’s nice to see you again. I haven’t seen you since the BBQ. Did you enjoy your trip through my body?

Remind me again why I even bother eating corn-on-the-cob. I don’t even like the way it tastes that much and I hate the way it gets stuck between my teeth. Then, corn has the audacity, the arrogance, the fucking GALL to just scoot right through me without doing shit. Literally! Ooooh, I get so mad when I see those perfect, little, yellow kernels glaring up at me from the toilet. I can almost see their tiny middle fingers raised high in my direction.

Guess what corn? FUCK YOU!*

*popcorn not included, popcorn is awesome.

Hey thanks for handing me that towel that was 1 inch away from my hand, I would say that’s worth about a dollar. And let me also thank you for staring at me from your little stool while I took a piss, it did not make me the least bit uncomfortable. Now, if there was just someplace nearby for me to get an extra splash of Drakkar Noir. What’s that you say, YOU have Drakkar Noir? Right here in the BATHROOM? Kind sir, you are a life saver! Just give me a $1 stick of gum and I will be on my way. Whoops, I’ve spent so much time shopping in the bathroom that now I have to go poop. What does it cost for you to wipe me?

Since most bathroom attendants are sad looking old guys I’m not actually putting them on my list, it’s really just the concept of the modern-day bathroom attendant that upsets me. I say modern attendant because I’m sure there was a time, back when people got dressed up to go out, when these people were slightly more necessary. But now that every fat ass is walking around in denim shorts and Crocs, it just seems weird to have a guy in a tuxedo sitting in the bathroom.

I always cringe when I walk into a bathroom and see an attendant. I often try to decide if it would just be easier to pee my pants and get the hell out of there. I’m sorry, I just don’t want to pay a guy to hand me a towel!

However, the one thing that makes these guys awesome is when they fill the urinals with ice. Oh sweet lord, I love to pee on ice!