You just made my list!

I made the mistake of stopping on Mtv this afternoon while looking for something on TV to nap to. I love to nap to the vapid drone of the television. I just do. Did you know your brain is less active while watching TV than it is when you are sleeping? Well, my brain just about shut off to the point of forgetting to make my heart beat and my lungs breathe after I made the mistake of watching an hour of the new season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

In college (and maybe a little out of college) I used to casually watch The Real World. I didn’t technically enjoy it, but I watched enough to be able to tell you that Jay on the London cast loved mac and cheese and that Colin from the Hawaii cast was totally NOT into Amaya but made the mistake of making out with her, probably because he wanted to fondle her huge boobs, and she totally fell in love with him and wanted to snuggle and baby talk and make him kiss stuffed animals every night in his bunk bed but Colin was like rolling his eyes and feeling totally trapped but didn’t know how to get out of it. However I had to stop watching the Real World when A) I realized I was an adult and B) Mtv starting exclusively casting idiots with explosive rage disorder.*

The only thing worse than the obnoxious alcoholics that kick, scream and casually fuck their way around the overly-colorful Ikea catalog that is the Real World house is the same people coming back even more obnoxious and alcoholic-y year after pathetic year to compete** in the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. These people really have got to be the biggest collection of douchebags mankind has ever known.

In the same way that you are a shitty parent if you let your kids watch Bratz, you are an equally bad parent if you let your kids watch ANYTHING on Mtv. Unless you want your child to grow up thinking life is simply a series of ever-growing drunken, semi-nude tantrums, I suggest you keep their tiny brains far away from Mtv.

*I just made that up but I’m sure it’s real.
**Compete = fighting and fucking each other

ALSO…
Is this me? Is this what I have become?

I hate myself.

Who watches this shit? Seriously, I want names!

Who wants to waste their time watching a bunch of nouveau riche diva assholes walking around like their shit don’t stink when OBVIOUSLY their shit do stink. Oh man, does it ever stink! There seems to be an endless supply of these jerks and and even more endlesser supply of people who want to watch them do nothing all day long. The list is long with crap like The Hills, Kimora Lee Simons, The Kardashians, The Housewives, My Super Sweet 16, etc. What is the fascination with these useless pieces of shit?

If I had a teenage child, especially a girl, I don’t think I could own a TV. If my kid ever displayed any of the obnoxious traits these reality TV “stars” so proudly flaunt they would be on their way to military school the next morning.

I occasionally like bad TV and I understand the soap opera appeal of shows like The Real Housewives but it’s just getting out of hand. There is something so painfully pathetic about a country on the brink of financial ruin that still focuses so much attention on these creepy jerks.

I need to take a shower.

I don’t really feel like putting any effort into this tonight so please forgive me for what is probably going to be my most boring post ever. It does not help that my subject matter, Judd from The Real World San Francisco, is quite possibly the most boring person on the planet.

First of all Judd, WE GET IT, you are better than us, you aren’t homophobic and you aren’t afraid to hug a guy with AIDS. Now that we cleared that up maybe he can stop trying to live his life through Perdo Zamora.

Secondly, Judd shot his douchebag score off the charts by marrying a fellow Real Worlder. I just barfed a little. This is the same girl that sad sack Judd helped go on a romantic (paddle boats?) date with her boyfriend. I seem to remember Judd dressing up in a tuxedo and paddling alone in a separate boat with his giant, tear-filled puppy dog eyes. What a tool.

And how can we forget his comic strip “Nuts and Bolts?” Enough said.

My favorite Judd fact has to be this doozy from his wiki page, “Winick proposed to Ling in March 2000, wearing a gorilla suit.” If that doesn’t make you want to kick him square in his vagina I don’t know what could.