You just made my list!

Was I in a coma?

When did every profession get its own reality show? What do you do when that profession, A.K.A. driving trucks on ice, becomes old news? Take those same truckers and force them to drive on a dangerous Himalayan mountain road and asfvvvvvbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb… Sorry, I fell asleep face down on my keyboard.

The other night, while flipping through the on-screen channel guide, my girlfriend noticed the show “Parking Wars” and asked, “What is that show about?” I answered, “Parking.” Unsatisfied with that answer, she said, “No really, what is it?” I punched her in the eye and said, “I ALREADY FUCKING TOLD YOU, IT’S ABOUT PARKING!” OK, I would never hit my girlfriend but I was forced to say, “No, seriously, it’s a show about people parking” and then cried myself to sleep.

My attention span for watching people drive trucks on TV is somewhere between less than none seconds and none seconds.

2 minutes and 35 seconds of truckers changing gears and saying shit about roads or something. How is this is real?

Yes, once again I have failed you. I had a long, busy weekend and simply had to choose between watching “Undercover Boss” or writing more bullshit about bullshit. Luckily I chose Undercover Boss because now I know the secret code for poop floating in a pool… AFR (Accidental Fecal Release). Who needs school when you have the TV machine to teach you everything you need to know.

Unofficially this post is about a link my friend who lives in the Stockton California area sent me. Good fucking lord, what the hell is going on in California? I can barely remember the last time I punched someone in the face for eating the last pork chop or burned my mother’s deceased body in the backyard BBQ pit.

So sit back and enjoy some of the scariest mugshots you will ever see. Don’t forget to read about their charming crimes too!

Oh, and fuck you Monday, I hate you.

Well, the end of the world is officially upon us, this guy is on a hit TV show.

Not only is there one “reality” show about the incredible action that takes place at the pawn shop, there is now a second show on its way to that TV of yours that one day, if you are lucky, you will be pawning on a TV show about pawn shops. The circle of life.

The first show to break the pawn cherry was “Pawn Stars” on the History channel. Wait, did I just say the History Channel? I must have accidentally said the History Channel because clearly there is no room to squeeze such a mindless show into their full lineup of Hitler-related entertainment. I mean, come ON, it’s a show about people selling their crap to buy drugs, how can it be on the History Channel?

Can’t get enough of people hocking watches and bowling balls? You are in luck because TruTV (whatever the fuck that is) is about to shove “Hardcore Pawn” down your various head holes. Oh boy, I can’t wait to see people argue over the value of uncle Eddie’s class ring!

By the way, see what they did there? Both shows had the incredibly hilarious idea to exchange the word “porn” for “pawn.” HOLY SHIT, that is rich! Now, I’m just thinking off the top of my head here, just a little brainstorming… I’m thinking Nickelodeon needs to immediately start developing “Kiddie Pawn” if they want to ride this amazing pawn wave all the way to the bank. Don’t be the only channel without a pawn shop show, Nickelodeon!

I give up.

I ran out of time to write today. So let’s just say that Kat Von D is an amazing tattoo artist, but she’s fucking ANNOYING! Enough with the perpetual duck lips, you look like a 15-year-old Myspace whore trying to look like an 18-year-old Myspace whore. And who is even using Myspace anymore?

That’s all I got, I suck. Feel free to show me up in the comments.

Fart.

Kirstie, can you stay off my TV for two seconds, my entertainment center* can’t support your fat ass anymore.

Everyone’s favorite jiggly tub of sausage is back with a new show about… drum roll… being fat! She first rolled (literally) her way into our living rooms with “Fat Actress.” I never saw the show but I’m assuming most episodes centered around Kirstie being fat and talking about being fat. Oh the good times I must have missed! The beast that ate Kirstie Alley (that would have been a way more kick ass title) is back with a new program called “Kirstie Alley’s Big Life,” but this time around the show is about Kirstie being fat and talking about being fat.

I checked IMDB and Kirstie Alley has been in at least 10 shows about being fat…

– Jesus Christ, Kirstie Alley is Fucking Fat!
– Kirstie Alley Eats Her Way Out of Bags Made of Meat
– Kirstie Alley: Only Slightly Less Attractive Than When She Was Thin.
– STAND BACK, ME HUNGRY!
– Cheers
– Hey, Kirstie Alley Just Ate Everything in My House and Drank My Pool!
– Kirstie Alley Tries to Reach Things
– Look Who’s Choking Now
– I’m a Celebrity, Please Help Me Put My Pants On
– Cloggin’ Da Toilet Wit Da ‘K Dog’ Yo!

We get it Kirstie, YOU’RE FAT!

Writing this made me hungry.

*I don’t actually own an entertainment center.

OK, tonight is my last night of packing before my official move this Saturday so I’m going to keep this short. Mostly I’m keeping it short because I’m not sure what I’m seeing right now on my TV. Why is fat Steven Seagal running around arresting people for selling crack? Is he a real cop? Was I in a coma for 20 years?

I have watched about 15 minutes of this insanity and I have never felt more confused. In fact, as I write this, officer Seagal is talking “ghetto” to some black kid with a gun but he sounds like my dad trying to imitate Richard Pryor. Awwww baby, ya dig?

I immediately was reminded of the brilliant television pilot for “Lookwell,” created by Conan O’brien and Robert Smigel. In the show, which never made it past the pilot stage, Adam West plays Ty Lookwell, a washed-up actor who once starred in a bad 70s detective show. The problem is he now thinks he’s an actual detective thanks to an honorary crimestopper badge given to him in 1972. Funny, right? Well this crazy plot seems to be the EXACT concept behind “Steven Seagal Lawman” with the only difference being “Lookwell” was a COMEDY!

You seriously should take a 22-minute break and watch this pilot episode of Lookwell, Adam West is a fucking genius in it.

No biggie, I didn’t want to actually WATCH the show I was watching. In fact, I would much rather watch the cute little animation of the Whorewives of Whoreville dance around like whores, getting their whore juice all over my TV. I would also like to thank you for reminding me what program I am currently watching. Sometimes I’ll be watching “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” but until my TV tells me I’m watching “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” I think I am watching The McLaughlin Group.

While the rest of you jerks were out having fun this Halloween weekend I was in bed for 2 days straight with some mystery illness that will most likely kill me by Thursday. One of the many perks to being sick is watching things on TV that would normally have you diving for the remote. When the new TLC program “Mall Cops: Mall of America” soiled itself all over my TV screen, it was almost like one of those nightmares where a psycho killer is approaching with a huge knife but you stand there paralyzed, unable to move. I felt like James Caan in Misery and these mall cops were my own personal Kathy Bates whacking me across the shins with their incredibly boring existence.

As you might have deduced from the title, Mall Cops: Mall of America follows mall security guards as they patrol the gritty, mean streets of the largest mall in America. Now, try to imagine how boring that sounds. Got it? Now, take your prediction and make it 100 times more boring and you are almost there.

What I am about to write is real. I did not make any of this up, this is what really happened in the one hour program…

– Some teen star named Demi Lovato is going to sign autographs but not every fan could get a wristband. This causes many prepubescent tears.

– An approaching storm might cause the autograph signing to be canceled. Why? Because lightning might be able to come inside the mall? Huh?

– A mall cop needs to check the badges of some construction workers. They all have badges. Carry on.

– A call for medical assistance rings out over the radio! A mall cop rushes through the mall with a lifesaving kit! The victim is a 6-year-old with a tiny scrape on his leg. She gives him two Band-aids because “sometimes kids like two Band-aids.”

– Storm approaching! Where’s Demi? Girls crying! Mothers bitching and whining!

– The manager of an ice cream store has an expired badge. He was warned about this before, so out he goes. The fate of the ice cream is unknown.

– An old lady cries because she can’t find her car. Bicycle mall cops find it for her.

– A creepy couple gets married at the Mall of America wedding chapel. The bride and groom want to ride the log flume. The mall cops are worried her long dress could be dangerous on the ride. They ride the logs without incident.

– The storm clears and 17-year-old Demi Lovato arrives looking like a 29-year-old prostitute. She signs autographs without incident.

– A mall cop finds a lost baby sock and immediately goes on patrol searching for a baby wearing only one sock. Sadly, the tiny sock is never reunited with its family.

I’m going back to bed.