You just made my list!

It’s over Brad, let it go.

Holy shit.

I thought I was going to write about adults who still wear giant class rings but I stumbled upon something so disturbing and underground that I feel it is my duty as an American to shine a light on this ugly and repulsive phenomenon. I have just discovered there are graduation supplies for homeschooled weirdos. I will never be the same again.

I’m sorry but if you are homeschooled there are a few things you are going to miss out on. For example, unless you plan on having sex with your sister, there is a pretty good chance you won’t be getting laid at your prom. Truth be told, I did not get laid at my prom, but at least I had a chance! I had no chance. I did, on the other hand, manage to drive all the way home with my headlights off because I was so nervous, so I’ve got that going for me.

I mean, what could your graduation ceremony even consist of? Your mom draped in a bed sheet, reading off a long list of your high school accomplishments while standing on a kitchen chair? It’s not too difficult to be valedictorian or captain of the Bible team when it’s just you and your mom sitting alone in the kitchen 5 days a week.

Think I’m making this up?

We get it, your kid is awesome. Your kid is the best at everything and the rest of us should pull to the right when we see you on the road so that you may pass unfettered. We should all bow our heads in shame, and if we are unlucky enough to be in the car with our own worthless children, we should look them right in their stupid eyes and say, “Why can’t you be more like that kid? You really do suck, do you know that? Now get that beef jerky out of your nose before I drive this minivan into the nearest lake.”

And guess what? I also don’t care that your Golden Retriever is smarter than that lady’s honor student. First of all, I doubt that is true, I mean how would you even test such a thing? Sure, your dog is smarter than my dumbass kid, but how can we know for sure that it’s smarter than an honor student at Ben Franklin Elementary? We simply can’t.

Nerds.

These over-achievers really bug the shit out of me. While every other kid their age is setting crap on fire, falling out of trees, jumping their bikes over each other and generally being awesome, these tiny students are sitting alone in their rooms studying astrophysics and generally being lame. They are wasting their childhood AND their college years in one fell swoop.

Have you ever seen these turds interviewed? They are almost always little condescending shits that are practically begging to have their underwear pulled over their heads.

Whatever, I’m sure they will all end up rich. I’m not jealous, look at me, I never graduated college and I’m a prestigious blogger!

Are you KIDDING ME? Have you heard about this bullshit? Yeah, that’s right, schools are now starting to pay kids for good grades. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now, fuck off.

What happened to people doing things simply because it’s the right thing to do? What happened to kids doing what they are told to do because they are kids and don’t really have a say in the matter? When did Americans become so afraid of children and why must we cater to their every whim? Why am I so much smarter than everyone?!? Probably because I was forced to do my homework without the option of getting rewarded for it.

My reward for getting decent grades was being allowed to live in our house and eat food. Doesn’t seem like I deserved much more than that if you ask me.

School sucked, I hated every second of it. It was BORING and bringing home a mountain of homework every night was torture for me. I was a smart kid but a terrible student, however I am endlessly thankful that I had to suffer through 17 (18?) years of school because it set me up for life. It taught me that sometimes, probably usually, life is not fun. I think that is more valuable than most of the knowledge I absorbed. School teaches you that sometimes shit stinks and all you can do is breathe it in.

Bribing kids for doing what they should be doing anyway is ridiculous. I don’t care if it’s grades or picking up their toys. If my kid went to a school that paid for good grades I would immediately take that money from them and spend it on something for myself. Life can be annoying, get used to it.