You just made my list!

If you would like to climb inside my mind and get a better feel of my mental state when I think about The American Girl Store, I suggest you turn your speakers up as loudly as they will go, tape them to your head with duct tape, smash a habanero chili into your eyes, knock your teeth out with a hammer and play the video below.

I fucking despise The American Girl Store and the army of rich, white 8-year-old zombies they are grooming to take over the planet. If my daughter asked for an American Girl doll I would kindly ask her to pack whatever she could fit into a paper sack and then she and I would take a leisurely drive to the orphanage. The uncomfortable silence of the car ride would only be broken when I softly say, “You are no longer my child” from a rolled down car window as the nuns take her and her paper sack into her new home.

“What’s the big deal, it’s just dolls” you say. After I’m done throwing my beer in your face I will tell you what the big deal is. Here’s the way it works… first you have to be a rich white girl. Second, you have to have a bat-shit crazy mother who is trying to compensate for her own fucked up childhood and thinks it perfectly normal to spend several hundred dollars taking you and your fucking piece-of-shit doll for a day of pampering most adults can only dream of. These soulless zombie dolls spend the day getting their hair styled, attending tea parties, buying expensive clothing, snorting top notch Colombian cocaine off a Huey Lewis and the News CD while getting jerked off in a 1993 Honda Civic in the Burger King parking lot near the airport. Wait, somehow that turned into my day.

The point is this, FUCK YOU and your fucking doll that’s dressed like you and is an asshole like you even though you are only 9 and fuck your overnight stays at the Ritz for the low low starting price of only $430 “for a moderate room.”

Take the pain away, Abominable Iron Sloth!

Yeah, that’s right, Hungry Hungry Hippos sucks and it’s about time someone was brave enough to say it.

This is where you get all angry and proclaim “It’s a classic!” to which I reply, “It’s a classic piece of shit, just like the Titanic was a classic ship or the Hindenburg was a totally classic way to travel.” I am so tired of being right all the time.

What good is a game with zero strategy that takes zero skill to play? You literally only need a finger and the ability to slightly move said finger. What’s that? Don’t have a finger? Fine, use your toe. I’m sorry, you don’t have arms OR legs? No biggie, use your tongue, your goal to eat balls will not be affected.

According to Wikipedia, which is never wrong, Hungry Hungry Hippos was invented by Hasbro senior game designer, Dickass McShitstain, while high on ether.

Fuck off Hungry Hungry Hippos.

If you have a ponytail and a strong opinion about graphic novels, I’m guessing you are currently home alone fondling your Fushigi Balls. There is also a 37% chance a cassette tape of the Dr. Demento show is currently playing in the background and your penis has not known the pleasure of a vagina.

If you are like me, you are incredibly good-looking and wondering, “What is ‘contact juggling’ and this so-called ‘Fushigi Ball?'” The answer is simple… who cares, let’s go listen to Shout at the Devil and drink beer!

Fine. Contact juggling is juggling but without all the juggling. You happy?

But what is a Fushigi Ball? Is it magic, does it defy gravity? The answer is yes, if you are easily confused by mirrors! For the rest of us, Fushigi Ball is simply a fucking clear ball with a fucking chrome ball inside. When combined with contact juggling, Fushigi Ball can create the illusion of a ball that… um… a ball that appears to… well… fuck, I don’t know, it looks like a ball!

“Hey mom. Fushigi, I like don’t know what it is but it’s the coolest thing ever and I can do it. Also I’m pregnant again.”

Just how badly do these parents want their daughters to be strippers, sluts, bitches, bimbos and/or whores? It is scientifically proven that the most likely way to see your daughter flash her dumb tits on a Girls Gone Wild commercial is to allow her to watch Bratz or play with Bratz dolls. On a side note, I wish I could be there to witness some dad sitting alone in the family room late at night as he gets a boner watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial when all of a sudden, WHAM, his daughter appears on the screen! That has got to be one of the greatest moments in the history of mankind. I mean not for him but for the rest of us.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, if you let your daughter watch Bratz you are a bad parent and your kid is going to be a trashy whore. That is all.

I don’t really have much to say about this because it just bugs me but for no valid reason. I was trying to come up with some interesting angle or some funny analysis of these people but I simply am not that talented. It might also be that I just ate a shit load of Long John Silvers. WHY did I do that? I’m praying for death right now. I think I might be going blind.