Nothing fills me with panic quicker than not being able to find my wallet. Fear immediately overtakes me after I check all the usual wallet resting places in my home and find nothing but dust outlines of where my wallet once was. I begin to catalog everything in my wallet and fantasize about the fat turd who probably found it on the sidewalk and is currently charging porn to my credit cards. Worse than losing my credit cards is losing my collection of dumb fortune cookie fortunes that has grown over the years. Where will I turn when when I need to be reminded that I “love the nightlife” without those fortunes?
For the record, I always find my wallet eventually and have never really lost one but those 10 or 15 minutes when you think it’s gone forever is the worst feeling in the world.
I was sitting at my desk tonight, working on the computer when all of a sudden – total darkness. I’m not going to lie, it was creepy for a minute. Luckily I have the “flashlight” application on my iPhone which simply turns the screen white, providing just enough light to get around. I got some candles and sat in the cold darkness (no heat without power) for 2 hours like an Amish dude.
You really take things like electricity for granted until it’s gone. I could not do anything. I could not even get my car out of the garage. Well, if I wasn’t too lazy to manually pull up the door I could have gotten my car out but what am I, Amish?
I realized that I have not sat in a quiet room doing nothing for… I don’t know, ever? It kind of made me feel dumb that something so simple was completely throwing my night into a tailspin.
This was a boring post but keep in mind I have just been through a traumatic disaster!
Are you KIDDING ME? Have you heard about this bullshit? Yeah, that’s right, schools are now starting to pay kids for good grades. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now, fuck off.
What happened to people doing things simply because it’s the right thing to do? What happened to kids doing what they are told to do because they are kids and don’t really have a say in the matter? When did Americans become so afraid of children and why must we cater to their every whim? Why am I so much smarter than everyone?!? Probably because I was forced to do my homework without the option of getting rewarded for it.
My reward for getting decent grades was being allowed to live in our house and eat food. Doesn’t seem like I deserved much more than that if you ask me.
School sucked, I hated every second of it. It was BORING and bringing home a mountain of homework every night was torture for me. I was a smart kid but a terrible student, however I am endlessly thankful that I had to suffer through 17 (18?) years of school because it set me up for life. It taught me that sometimes, probably usually, life is not fun. I think that is more valuable than most of the knowledge I absorbed. School teaches you that sometimes shit stinks and all you can do is breathe it in.
Bribing kids for doing what they should be doing anyway is ridiculous. I don’t care if it’s grades or picking up their toys. If my kid went to a school that paid for good grades I would immediately take that money from them and spend it on something for myself. Life can be annoying, get used to it.
Here’s the scene… you are in line at the supermarket with someone making a purchase. You are close enough to the front of the line to read all about Jenifer Aniston’s broken heart when all of a sudden your shopping partner says “oh wait, I will be right back I need to grab something” and they disappear into the ether. What?
I immediately start to panic. What if they don’t make it back in time? I’m already in the belly of the beast, I’m past the magazine perimeter! I’m in the CANDY ZONE! Am I going to have to remove everything from the conveyor belt? Fuck! Why would anyone do this to me?
Sure, they always casually show up just in time and everything works out but what the hell, I almost had a heart attack. I’m not kidding, I HATE being left in line alone!
I rarely get sick anymore thanks to a year I spent working out of a friend’s home. Her kids showered me in sneezes, boogers and dirty hands giving me every virus known to man in the process. I was literally sick for at least 3 months straight. Now, thanks to my new super immune system and relatively clean living, I only get sick about once a year. Now is that time.
I want to die. I hate being sick. All I can think about is the fact that I can’t remember what it feels like NOT to be sick.
Sorry, this is a boring post but I’M SICK!
I also hate that girl, Kari Byron, on Mythbusters. She is about 93% less hot than she thinks she is. I proved it with science.
I’m back from my little Thanksgiving break and ready to complain!
I hate the International Space Station. I don’t understand why we need it and I don’t want my tax dollars paying for it. Do my tax dollars pay for it? I don’t know, probably. If not, I still hate it and want the sun to melt it.
I love all space exploration and soak up anything that has to do with the space race in the 60’s. I understand why we wanted to go to the moon and I appreciate all of the technological advancements that came from conquering space and landing on the moon. I wish more than anything that I could have witnessed the first moon landing. As much as I love science and space exploration I think it might be time to go ahead and hit the pause button for a while. What is the point of pumping billions of dollars into the International Space Station when we have more than a few crises to deal with here on planet Earth?
Perhaps I am missing something and this rinky dink floating double-wide trailer is going to solve global warming or stop space aliens from probing our butts but is it? I have never heard anything that would indicate that. It seems to me that this space station is like a tree house for various space programs around the world. It’s fun to build and have sleepovers in but other than that it serves no real purpose.
It certainly doesn’t help me fall in love with the project when A) they start letting crap float away and B) when that crap costs $100,000. I will never be convinced the tools in that bag were worth $100,000. Here’s an idea, give ME $100,000 and I will go to Home Depot and put together a super kick ass set of tools for NASA and for my trouble I will keep the change.
Enough is enough! I am seriously so fucking sick of people wearing their stupid hats crooked on their empty heads. What message are they trying to send? “Hey man, I don’t play by the rules.” Fuuuuuck yooooou! They are all a bunch of douchebag lemmings who couldn’t produce an original thought if they tried. In general I’m sick and tired of everyone walking around like they are straight outta Compton. I’m at the end of my rope with all this ghetto culture bullshit. Every decade has their lame ass fashion fad. In the 90’s it was flannels tied around the waist and now it’s these god damn crooked fucking hats.
How did I get to be the coolest person in the world?!?
I don’t really have much to say about this because it just bugs me but for no valid reason. I was trying to come up with some interesting angle or some funny analysis of these people but I simply am not that talented. It might also be that I just ate a shit load of Long John Silvers. WHY did I do that? I’m praying for death right now. I think I might be going blind.
