You just made my list!

Webster’s defines cliché as “a trite phrase or expression; also : the idea expressed by it“

I am officially calling for an end to any speech, film or book that starts with a dictionary definition. If I am ever sitting in the audience for your PowerPoint presentation on “Energizing Your Sales Team in ’09” and I see that your first slide starts with the Webster’s definition of “synergy” be warned that I am going to walk to the podium and pee on you. I am going to piss warm pee all over your Dockers. I’m assuming Webster’s would define that as “awesome!”

I know I have already given Guy Fieri a permanent home on my list but last night he said something that shook my very soul. It’s painfully obvious from this douche wad’s wardrobe that he has a very hard time letting go of 1996 but until last night’s episode of “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives” I had no idea just how sick this guy was. I am going to give you an exact quote from Guy Fieri but I want you to know that if you choose to read on, your life will never be the same. What you will read is so disturbing you will look back at your life in 2 parts, before the Guy Fieri quote and after. Please call your family and tell them you love them before you read the next line.

“This onion is money.”

Was it? Was it “so money it didn’t even know how money it was” Guy?

Fuck off.

I was all set to share my wisdom on a completely different subject when I happened upon this “featured” headline on Yahoo. I’m pretty sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Please take note of how important these 5 featured headlines are. Thank god nothing else is happening in the world that might bump Kathy Griffin from the top news story of the moment. WAR IS OVER! Go grab a nurse in Times Square and totally tap dat ass!

OK, let’s ignore the fact that these Yahoo headlines make your high school newspaper look like The New York Times and focus on the reason my panties are all up in a bunch. Can it possibly be news that Kathy Griffin turned down “Dancing with the Stars?” I might, MIGHT, understand if the headline said something like “Kathy Griffin says YES to Dancing with the Stars” but no, this is a story reporting something that would barely be interesting if it HAD happened. It’s no different than a headline that reads “Tom Hanks still alive” or “Student filmmaker still working at Old Navy.” Nobody needs to know.

If I know you personally and you feel compelled to click “The reason why” link please never speak to me again.

I feel like a 7 year-old on Christmas morning! Have you heard the news, the wonderful, glorious news? Crocs’ crimes against humanity may soon end thanks to their stock taking a major nosedive (-47%) after the company had to announce they wouldn’t come anywhere near their previously announced expectations for the quarter. It has been a long time since the stock market has given me a boner this hard.

I’ve already written about my disdain for these rubber pieces of shit but this morning’s gift from the universe had to be acknowledged. The Crocs CEO Ron “Satan” Snyder had this to say, “Although we made important progress reducing costs in our manufacturing and distribution platform blah blah blah fart fart fart.” Who cares?

Michael Pierce, who is a smart guy from London said “I suspect the problem at Crocs is simply that people are tired of them and do not find them as exciting as they once did.” Yes, they were once so exciting!

Another smart guy named Mitch Kummetz has the quote that made my morning, “But with the outlook as bad as it now is, the fundamentals really are that bad. We see no catalyst to reverse the trend.”

Praise Jesus!

Maddox is pretty angry too.

What’s more fun than getting your hair cut? Watching other people getting their hair cut by a bunch of ridiculous idiots with ironic hair! Is it possible there is a single person watching this show? No, right? PLEASE SAY NO!

And this is THE SECOND SEASON! Maybe TV has changed so much in the last few years that a show only needs 4 or 5 people watching each week to stay on the air. Are we being secretly hypnotized by the government while watching this crap? Is that how George Bush got elected, TWICE?

You know, there must be a correlation between the fact that George Bush served two terms and that a show like this has found viewers brain dead enough to watch it. I guess we are just that dumb. Fat, bored and dumb. Put it on TV and we will watch. Soon they will just broadcast a shiny object for all of the drooling masses to stare at.

I hate everyone who isn’t me.