You just made my list!

I’m on the brink of barfing up the lasagna I just ate just from the mere thought of my shins. Thinking of a thin layer of skin over bone makes me asjhgdddddddddddddd… Sorry, I passed out and my head landed on the keyboard.

I hate all areas of the body where skin is next to bone or cartilage without a layer of delicious fat. My ranking from bad to worse is as follows:

1) Fingers – Not horrible but close to upsetting me.
2) Nose – My face hurts just from thinking about the bridge of my nose.
3) Sternum – I want to crawl out of my skin when I think of my sternum.
4) Shins – FUCK OFF!

My hatred of shins began when I was a child and spent most of my summers with bruised and scraped legs. I remember one day when my shoelaces got tangled in my bicycle and I was forced to hobble home several blocks with my boney shins bumping and scraping against the pedals with every step. I’m pretty sure I cried the entire way home while tied to my yellow Schwinn Stingray. Side note: why the fuck did my parents buy me a yellow bike and why didn’t I just take my shoes off rather than limp home like an idiot? I hate myself.

We get it, God loves you best! Now stop having children you weirdos!

There is no doubt in my mind Jim Bob (shocker) and Michelle Duggar are addicted to the constant attention they receive for having such a ridiculous amount of children. In fact, they even have a show on TLC called “18 and Counting.” They remind me of parents with Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy disorder. They must be the talk of Arkansas every time they go to Wal-Mart or Pizza Hut. They are like people who cover their face in tattoos, “LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!”

I think it’s really sad that there are couples out there struggling to have just ONE child while this woman poos out kids like she’s a dog at a puppy mill. What really kind of sickens me though is the amount of unwanted children in the world who would give anything for a home, even with these creeps, but the Duggars just can’t stop fucking long enough to consider adoption. How does this sound… have 8 or 9 kids and adopt or foster the other 10. Everyone wins.

By the way, these assholes have said they would love to have more children. If that isn’t a cry for attention I don’t know what is.

Are you KIDDING ME? Have you heard about this bullshit? Yeah, that’s right, schools are now starting to pay kids for good grades. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now, fuck off.

What happened to people doing things simply because it’s the right thing to do? What happened to kids doing what they are told to do because they are kids and don’t really have a say in the matter? When did Americans become so afraid of children and why must we cater to their every whim? Why am I so much smarter than everyone?!? Probably because I was forced to do my homework without the option of getting rewarded for it.

My reward for getting decent grades was being allowed to live in our house and eat food. Doesn’t seem like I deserved much more than that if you ask me.

School sucked, I hated every second of it. It was BORING and bringing home a mountain of homework every night was torture for me. I was a smart kid but a terrible student, however I am endlessly thankful that I had to suffer through 17 (18?) years of school because it set me up for life. It taught me that sometimes, probably usually, life is not fun. I think that is more valuable than most of the knowledge I absorbed. School teaches you that sometimes shit stinks and all you can do is breathe it in.

Bribing kids for doing what they should be doing anyway is ridiculous. I don’t care if it’s grades or picking up their toys. If my kid went to a school that paid for good grades I would immediately take that money from them and spend it on something for myself. Life can be annoying, get used to it.

If you were a little kid in the 70s, or even up to the mid 80s, you probably have similar Halloween memories to mine. You would start planning your costume around November 3rd shortly after eating five pillowcases filled with candy over the previous three days and when Halloween finally did roll around you would trick-or-treat for hours. I easily, without exaggeration, walked about 140 miles while trick or treating each Halloween. Keep in mind, if my costume called for it I would walk these long miles in bare feet (i.e. barefoot hobo, barefoot zombie, barefoot cowboy, barefoot Batman).

My parents would remove the window from the front door to more easily hand out candy to the never-ending line of trick-or-treaters who would show up on our stoop all night until they finally were forced to turn the porch light off at 10:30 or 11:00. They always, ALWAYS, ran out of candy and my dad would quickly drive to the store to buy more.

It was Halloween motherfucker and it fucking RULED!

Sadly, tragically really, those days are over. Last year I moved to a house after living in an apartment the city for 15 years and I was ready for a long night of answering the door to a chorus of little voices screaming “TRICK-OR-TREAT” in unison but the doorbell rang twice, exactly TWICE! First, four cute little kids dressed as Spidermen and princesses rang my bell, YAY! Then an hour later two teens dressed as two teens rang the the bell and demanded candy. Happy fucking Halloween.

I ran into my 9 year old neighbor today and asked if she was excited about Halloween. She shrugged. I asked what she was dressing up as and she said “we are not allowed to dress up at our school.” I curled up into a ball and cried until my tears formed a puddle around me.

I know I sound like an old man complaining about “my day” but come on, what’s the deal? I know what the deal is, parents think their kids are going to be poisoned or razor bladed or whatever. This fear is baseless and not anchored by fact whatsoever. Creepy loners don’t put razor blades in apples and they don’t hand out poisoned candy. It just does not happen.

I honestly feel sad for these kids. Halloween was second only to Christmas when I was growing up. Maybe someone should create an “Extreme Trick-or-Treat” game for Xbox so kids can sit at home on their fat asses all night.

Seriously? Huh? Not possible! NOT POSSIBLE! Someone wake me from this nightmare!

If you buy a treadmill for your child DCFS should remove them from your home and you should be immediately sterilized by a brutal smashing of said treadmill to your baby maker.

Just like when I discussed baby helmets, I am only referring to people who put normal, healthy kids on a treadmill. If they need baby-sized treadmills for some sort of physical therapy that’s fine, but if you would rather see your dumb kid taking a walk in your living room rather than playing outside like a normal human then there is something wrong with you and soon there will be something wrong with your child.

If my child asked me for one of these contraptions I would make them live outside in the wild for a week as punishment. Think of all the exercise little Bobby would get foraging for berries and building rudimentary shelters. Perhaps he will have to run from a family of rabid raccoons, I don’t know but that kid is going to lose at least 8 lbs without the aid of a god damn treadmill. Problem solved.

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Let me quickly explain what “Baby’s First Headgear” is before you think I’m ragging on kids who actually NEED helmets for various legitimate reasons. This ridiculous piece of shit is for normal, healthy babies who are simply learning to walk. HUH?

My friend who brought this crime against baby humanity to my attention told me she has even seen kids wearing fucking knee pads while learning to walk. WHAT? Have we all gone insane? No wonder there are people in this country who think Sarah Palin is “spunky and fun.”

Listen, I understand that babies can get hurt, even seriously, from a fall but come on, helmets for healthy babies? Kids get hurt. Kids eat dirt. Kids touch things that are hot. Guess what, all that stuff is good for them. You know how I learned to NOT touch the stove? By touching the stove, once.

When I grew up in the 70s daily life was like running through a maze of knives and fire. My grade school’s playground equipment was tall, metal and sat on top of nice hard cement. Like most kids in my school I broke a bone when I tumbled to the concrete at recess. I spent most of my childhood falling from trees, crashing my bike, getting fishing hooks stuck in my face and most summer days I could be found with at least one of my body parts on fire. AHHHH, the good old days. I’m not kidding, it was fucking awesome. I also learned how to deal with stuff because my parents never made a big deal out of anything.

I’m sorry but helmets for healthy babies are ri-fucking-diculous. Life is dangerous and to be alive means to occasionally get hurt, babies included.

I need to punch something. Not a baby.

*Update: This ought to make all you helmet parents pass out…

See the look on these kid’s faces? If you are a parent it should be your goal to prevent that look from ever appearing on your child’s face rather than giggling like a dumb ass waiting for it to happen.

I’m sure you have seen clips like these on youtube where some jerk, usually a parent, almost pisses their pants with excitement while waiting for some internet gag to scare the living shit out of some moon-faced kid who just wants to play a stupid maze game. What sadistic weirdness exists in the “brain” of a parent who gets pleasure from terrifying their child? I’m not talking about a simple BOO, these kids usually end up in tears. I want to see the follow up clips in a few years where the teen versions of these kids beat the shit out of their parents screaming “who’s in the maze now motherfucker?”

Mark this date dad, Feb 8th, 2006, it’s date your son started to fantasize about killing you in your sleep.

This guy can’t contain his excitement. You can see the exact moment this kid stopped loving his dad, right around the 00:17 mark.

Hey mom, how about spending a little more time cleaning the house and a little less time turning your kids into serial killers.

Corey really is a lucky kid, isn’t he? I realize this kid is old enough to laugh it off but I can’t believe how long his stupid mom waited for the scare. It looks like she was filming this kid for an hour before she got her chance to cackle her denim mom shorts off.