Shit, where will I buy my fanny packs and shiny disco leggings now?
Ironic hipsters and flat-chested teen runaways (AKA future American Apparel models) the world over are freaking out because dressing like a fucking asshole is about to get a little harder. Seems that Dov Charney’s business model of sitting around masturbating all day and rehashing every fashion mistake of the 80s is not working out too well.
You’d think a company that sells satin jackets and features vaginal penetration in their ads would be around longer.
Just when you thought hipsters had run out of ways to be ironic, those geniuses figured out a way to tap into one more ridiculous trend… the beer belly. According to The New York Times, looking like a fat tub of shit is now cool. The New York City dump is about to be flooded with useless skinny jeans.
I see a problem though. The fat trend is not going to work very well with the trend to be vegan. Then there’s smoking, a habit many hipsters use as a way make their body odor even worse. Smoking has been the skinny hipster’s friend for many years but it could really slow the transformation from cool heroin skeleton to beer-guzzling bubba. I’m thinking a new industry will have to grow around this trend. I’m going to start a “diet” magazine called “Brooklyn Gut” for hipsters looking for tips on weight gain and beer belly shaping. My first article will be titled “Critical Mass Won’t Give You That Critical ASS: Time to Give Up Your Bike.”
SHIT, what will happen to American Apparel? They are going to be working day and night making XXXL ironic shiny disco pants and satin jackets! Luckily their employees are so well-paid and have the best working… SHUT UP!
Is this why Kevin Federline is so fucking hugely fucking god damn fucking fat now? Is K-Fed a trend-setter?
You know who wore Members Only jackets? My dad in 1985. You know who looked cool in his Members Only jacket? Nobody.
Nobody ever looked cool in a Members Only jacket but compared to this hipster turd, my dad looked like fucking Burt Reynolds. At least my dad was trying to look awesome, unlike hipsters who want you to believe they look like assholes on purpose. Ironic hipsters think they can hide the fact that they are dorks by making you believe they are dorky on purpose. American Apparel has based most of their products on this theory.
Well I for one have had enough of this bullshit, so ironic hipsters beware because I’m going to be shaving your mustaches and shredding your Members Only bullshit the next time I see you.
After spending less than 3 minutes on the American Apparel website I am ready to go on a killing spree. I hate EVERYTHING about American Apparel!
Where do I even fucking start? Let’s start with their clothing. Sure, these guys make a good basic T-shirt but does anyone really need a shiny gold body suit? These assholes aren’t embarrassed to sell fanny packs and apparently ironic hipsters aren’t embarrassed to buy them. The fact that American Apparel can actually make hipster jerks buy fanny packs is pretty much all you need to know about how ridiculous American Apparel and hipsters are. I bet American Apparel could get hipsters to wear adult diapers. If I see diapers on their website I’m fucking suing.
The most obvious thing to hate about American Apparel is their cheap, snuff film style photography. I find it a little distracting when I’m staring at some dirty scumbag’s pubes or a girl who looks like she was just pulled into a van and will never see her family again. In fact, just now when I went to their website this is what I was greeted with (fair warning, nudity). I am not offended by nudity but I am offended by this obvious attempt to look edgy or cool or whatever the hell they think they are. Who wants to buy clothes from a company whose website looks like an underground, teenage prostitution catalog?
Their founder, Dov Charney, is a supreme douchebag who famously couldn’t help but masturbate several times in front of a female ‘Jane Magazine’ writer during an interview. This king of the turds also has countless sexual harassment lawsuits against him, what a shocker!
