You just made my list!

If you have to declare a sad little space in your basement as your “man” space, are you really much of a man? Do you even deserve a cave? How about this… the whole house is my God damn cave, deal with it Carol!

I know you had high hopes when you bought the poker table and the neon Miller Lite sign but I’m willing to bet you have never used that table for anything other than folding shirts. You hung your guitars on the wall dreaming of late night jam sessions with drunken bros but sadly most of your pals are simply too tired at the end of the day to come hang out in your dank basement and play Counting Crows songs. Your Xbox and Playstation sit under a layer of dust, your bar stays un-stocked and the fulfillment of your dreams remains hollow, just like the life-sized Stormtrooper costume that stands in the corner with a Jimmy Buffett hat on its head… watching you… judging you… feeling sorry for you. WHAT DID YOU EVER DO THAT’S SO GREAT WITH YOUR LIFE, STORMTOOPER?!? Fuck you Stormtooper!

Carol, will you play Guitar Hero with me? Carol?

Look at you opening your beer with your shirt, you sicken me.

I’m not one of those guys who is obsessed with being macho. For example, when my girlfriend’s dad put me in a headlock this weekend during a family Thanksgiving party in an attempt to show me I was no match for his karate skills, I just rode it out until he grew bored with choking me. HOWEVER, there are some things a man should simply never do. Obviously never get into a karate match with your girlfriend’s father and never open a twist-off beer with your shirt. I’m pretty sure Nancy Reagan and her tiny hands that look like wet toilet paper draped over sticks could still twist open a bottle of beer, so what’s your excuse? I hate you.

Don’t think I can’t see you casually slip that bottle under your Spin Doctors T-shirt. I see it and I’m judging you.

Shame. Shame on you and your pussy hands. The next time you consider using your Ralph Lauren golf shirt to pop open a shitty Miller Lite, please remember these videos, because sometimes being a bro is the right thing to do.

I like sports as much as the next guy* but come on bros, give your sports boner a rest for 5 minutes.

We get it, you’re a dude, you’re a man, you like beer and you pee standing up. In fact you are such a man that you usually just pee on the floor while crushing a beer can on your forehead. Jeeze, are these guys really so insecure about looking “gay” that they have to get their hair cut at a Hooters?

Plus, have you seen these places? I think they are decorated by the person who did the set decoration for “Saved by the Bell.” You know how the hallways of Bayside were always plastered with crooked posters that said things like “Football Game Tonight” or “School Dance,” well it’s the same, cartoonish atmosphere in these man-a-toriums. SportClips is to sports what The Peach Pit was to diners.

You know how I know you are gay? You get your hair cut at SportClips.

*This is a totally false statement. I guarantee that I like sports much less than the next guy, unless that guy is Austin Scarlett.

When I first heard the term “Bros Icing Bros” I thought frat boys were finally giving in to their homosexual fantasies and jerking off all over each other. “Dude, I totally just Iced all over McGillicutty’s face while he was playing Guitar Hero, it was classic bro.”

I have to admit, when I discovered Bros Icing Bros was less about random jizz attacks and more about forced drinking I was still intrigued. In case you have an actual life outside of the internet I will explain the rules of Icing your bros. If your bro manages to put a bottle of Smirnoff Ice in your line of vision you must immediately drop to one knee and chug the entire bottle, no matter where you are or what time of day it is. If you refuse you are to be excommunicated and shunned forever and may never be considered a bro again. HOWEVER, if you present your bro with an Ice they can “Ice block” you by presenting their own bottle of Ice, at which point the original Icer must drop to a knee and drink BOTH Smirnoff Ices.

As a concept I like this little game. Nothing is more satisfying than making your friends miserable. So on the surface, bros icing bros has some merit. HOWEVER, like most things dude-types participate in, the concept is lost in poor execution. Rather than coming up with a creative way to make their friends happen upon an Ice, most of these bros simply excitedly run up to their friends and hand them a Smirnoff Ice with all the coolness of a little giggly girl freaking out at a Twilight premiere.

Come on BROS, butch it up a little! These real versions of Bros Icing Bros might actually be more gay than my original understanding of the game.

Calm down ladies, don’t get your flip-flops all tangled in a bunch.

“Get on your knees bro (giggle giggle)”

Hipsters Icing Hipsters – “I’m going to Ice Baker, I’m going to Ice the fuck out of Baker with a pineapple.” Um, look out Baker, I think you are about to be raped.

You just got Iced. Now, drink it naked while we all watch.