You just made my list!

I’m writing this from my phone because Comcast has decided to ruin everyone’s fun. Apparently Comcast’s internet service is down all over the Midwest. There are a lot of boners that will go un-whacked tonight. So feel free to discuss anything you like. I suggest something like “Do you think Guy Fieri wears sunglasses on the back of his fat sweaty head to cover up an underdeveloped twin?”

So, I’m watching “Check Please” on PBS, trying to fight the urge to nap, when all of a sudden Comcast is nice enough to offer me a chance to pledge $40 with my remote while I sit on my lazy ass. Thanks Comcast and PBS but, what are the words I’m searching for… um… go fuck yourself!

I didn’t think it was possible for PBS to find another way to ask for my money. The other night I climbed into bed and was startled to find Charlie Rose hiding under the covers. After 45 minutes of negotiating I agreed to pledge $63 and he agreed to not enter my house for a minimum of three months. Look PBS, I don’t mind your normal pledge drives because, in Chicago at least, that means a kickass Geoffrey Baer marathon, but do you really need to pop your high-tech “will work for food” message over one of your own program. It’s annoying to the viewer and it’s disrespectful to the idiots fighting over linguine with clams on Check Please.

Believe it or not, it actually gets worse than this. A few weeks ago I was watching Friends… yeah, THAT Friends, the one you know you secretly like but are too much of a pussy to just come out and love it in the open. Just give in and embrace the warm glow of Friends. ANYWAY, I was watching the gang down at Central Perk be hilarious and awesome, when all of a sudden a giant fucking ad pops up on the lower 1/3 of the screen. I’m not talking about the typical “Stay tuned, the Jim Belushi train wreck is up next” kind of ad. No no no, this was an ad for something COMPLETELY unrelated to the network. I can’t remember what it was but I created this simulation for you…

Are you understanding the severity of the situation here? Networks are starting to pop up ads for crap DURING shows. What the hell is this, YouTube? And what kind of a psycho, anti-American, son-of-a-bitch has the balls to interrupt the brilliant pacing and comedy magic that oozes from every episode of Friends?

I feel like punching a baby!

I’m writing this from my phone because Comcast is shoving the internet up its own ass! I’ve been without an internet connection for over 14 hours now and it’s seriously cramping my style. How will I keep up with every single cute thing my Facebook friends’ kids say? Don’t even get me started on an ENTIRE DAY without porn! I hate you Comcast, I want my porn back!