Tag Archive 'kim kardashian'

Dec 23 2009

Food!

Published by under Jerks

fruit

I quit. I will never try to do anything again.

I found out last week, thanks to a hard-hitting article on Yahoo, that apples are bad for me. Yeah, that’s right, fucking APPLES are going to kill me. Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the morning?

Apparently apples are covered in pesticides and washing them does next to nothing to remedy that little problem. The pesticides are designed to stick to the fruit in the rain, so you have to either peel your apple or wash it in some hippie fruit cleaner to make it safe to eat. Fuck that, I’m going to fill my fat face hole with pork rinds until I die.

Why do any of us bother to do anything? You just can’t win in a world where apples are bad for you and Wild Hogs is a successful movie. Guy Fieri walks the earth with his God damn sunglasses on the back of his fat neck but John Lennon is dead? We live in a world where apples will poison you and the Kardashians are rich and famous!

I’m going to kill myself. I’ll start by eating some apples.

9 responses so far

Nov 05 2009

Storm chasers!

storm chaser dork

This is going to be short for exactly two reasons.

1. I’m still sick.

2. It’s pretty obvious why storm chasers are annoying dorks.

3. I have not showered since Saturday morning.

4. Actually, I have been wearing the same clothes since Saturday morning. Yeah that’s right, I’ve been sleeping in my clothes. I’m just that sick. In fact, I have not been nude since Saturday morning. That seems like a long time but I wonder how long Eskimos go without being nude. Months? Years?

5. I have to admit, there is something really pleasurable about not shaving, showering or changing your clothes for several days in a row. I’m like an amateur homeless person.

6. Hey did you hear there was just a charity event where the winning bidders got to box various Kardashians? I guess Rob Kardashian got knocked out with one punch and Kim got a black eye. That sounds fun.

7. Did you see Creed on The Tonight Show last night? Holy shit.

8. Thanks to Paul in Saint Paul, I learned today that Cheaters is FAKE! While it’s true I hate that show, I am still mad about it. I’m mad at myself for thinking it was real. If I ever find out that any tiny part of People’s Court is fake I will go on a killing spree.

12 responses so far

Nov 14 2008

The Real Housewives of who gives a fuck!

Who watches this shit? Seriously, I want names!

Who wants to waste their time watching a bunch of nouveau riche diva assholes walking around like their shit don’t stink when OBVIOUSLY their shit do stink. Oh man, does it ever stink! There seems to be an endless supply of these jerks and and even more endlesser supply of people who want to watch them do nothing all day long. The list is long with crap like The Hills, Kimora Lee Simons, The Kardashians, The Housewives, My Super Sweet 16, etc. What is the fascination with these useless pieces of shit?

If I had a teenage child, especially a girl, I don’t think I could own a TV. If my kid ever displayed any of the obnoxious traits these reality TV “stars” so proudly flaunt they would be on their way to military school the next morning.

I occasionally like bad TV and I understand the soap opera appeal of shows like The Real Housewives but it’s just getting out of hand. There is something so painfully pathetic about a country on the brink of financial ruin that still focuses so much attention on these creepy jerks.

I need to take a shower.

9 responses so far

Sep 18 2008

The Kardashians!

I am not kidding when I say who the fuck are the Kardashians and why are they on my TV? Seriously, who are these whores?

I originally knew the name Kardashian because their father, Robert, was buddies with OJ Simpson during the killing spree years and went on to be one of the 5,000 lawyers who represented him during the trial. I know that the mom, Kris, is now married to Bruce “old lady face” Jenner. I know that I watched Kim Kardashian fuck a rapper online. To tell you the truth, that’s more than I need to know about this nightmare of a family.

Do we really need a reality show about every dipshit family in America? What does it say about the current state of our society that these are the kind of people we worship? Fuck me, we are dumb!

If you watch this show for any reason other than the cleavage and the giant asses please put your head in the toilet, flush it 5 times and think about what you have done. In fact, go ahead and poop in that toilet first.

245 responses so far