You just made my list!

Hey great, you found a way to make creepy mannequins even more nightmarish!

Maybe it’s because I accidentally said “excuse me” to a mannequin once, or maybe it’s because female mannequins with erect nipples honestly turn me on a little, I don’t know but I just sort of feel animosity towards them. They stand there judging you with their perfect bodies and handless wrists, convincing you to buy shit at Old Navy that you don’t even like. They suck you in with their spell and make you ponder unthinkable things like, “maybe those Dockers would look good on me.”

Mannequins are assholes, but living mannequins are the poo that squeezes out of that asshole. I feel dumb enough at the mall without some vapid, shiny model giving me the stink-eye while I check out the crotch of their jeans. I’m sorry, I just need to see if it’s a zipper or a button fly. I can’t help it if you happen to be wearing those jeans as I slowly run my pizza-covered hands up the inner thigh of the Levi’s I may or may not purchase. Who told you to be a fucking mannequin for a living?

The word mannequin, when broken down to its Latin roots, literally translates to.. how the fuck do I know what it means? I just know it doesn’t mean 19-year-old-dumb-model-standing-there-making-me-feel-uncomfortable-while-I’m-staring-at-her-nipples.

Have you ever seen anything more disgusting than former Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins posing nude without being airbrushed in Photoshop? I seriously think I’m going to be sick. I had no idea a human being could be so grotesque!

I caught this vapid idiot bragging about her achievement in humility on some morning talk show and I immediately flew into a rage hurricane and spilled Count Chocula all over my favorite Barenaked Ladies T-shirt.

The best part about this madness is that she’s doing this to promote The Butterfly Foundation, which is “dedicated to changing the culture, policy and practice in the prevention and treatment of eating disorders.” In other words, this incredibly skinny supermodel posed “nude” in a professional studio with professional lighting and professional styling to make girls with eating disorders feel better about their shitty bodies. That’s like playing golf with Tiger Woods to make yourself feel better about your own golf skills, or watching Tiger Woods fuck porn stars to make yourself feel better about the slobs you go home with. (My hilarious comedy is topical!)

I mean, take a look at these photos of Jennifer Hawkins naked and tell me if it makes you feel more confident about that nightmare you call your body. Not to mention the fact that she’s so skinny she could wear a wristwatch as a belt. With all those ribs popping out you’d think she was an American Apparel model. If I was a young girl I would start barfing up every meal too.

Why am I so smart?

Let me go ahead and stop anyone who is going to make the argument that “it’s refreshing to see ‘interesting’ people model instead of the same old generic beautiful people.” Bullshit! If you think that the fashion world is seeking higher moral ground with these turd faces then you are dumber than Guy Fieri. The fashion industry is filled with borderline-retarded people who are way too narcissistic to ever think that far ahead. It’s weird for the sake of being weird.

I don’t want to see “normal” people model. I want to see textbook-perfect looking models who make you angry they are so beautiful. I want them to make me look in the mirror and hate what I see. I want to doubt everything about myself when I see their perfectly formed bodies sent to earth by God on the backs of winged puppies. Give me a Heidi Klum any day over these gap-toothed alien faces. Heidi Klum literally makes me want to punch myself in the face for being less of a person. This should be the goal of all models, to make the rest of us hate our lives.