You just made my list!

I think I’m going to be sick.

I don’t care what you REALLY look like because I’m masturbating to the stock photo of “you” on your company’s website the entire time you are  giving me the run-around on the phone. Consider it your punishment, or consider it my gift to you. Either way, it’s happening. Take THAT Comcast!

Great, now look at the camera – click click – perfect, now look down – click click – great, great – click – I love it – click click click – Beautiful! Let’s try something totally outrageous, something that has never been tried before. Let’s try one where you are taking a drag off a cigarette. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy but you’ve got to trust me on this one, I think it will make you look like the biggest bad ass that has ever lived. What’s that, you don’t smoke? Well it’s time to learn if you ever expect to be awesome. You want to look cool and mysterious, right? OK, here we go – click – YEAH, I LOVE IT – click click – Ooooh, the choking is great, keep doing that – click click

We get it, you’re a bad boy. You wear distressed Motley Crüe T-shirts that you paid $300 for in Beverly Hills and, as much as your mother begs, you simply refuse to quit smoking. Congratulations celebrity tough guys, you are exactly as cool as a teenage boy.

To be honest, I blame the photographers for perpetrating this cliché over and over like a bunch of high school photo students shooting pictures of a single flower poking through the snow. Deep, very deep.

Are you in a wacky improv group but just don’t know how to convey how hilarious you are in your promo photo? I am here to help with a few tips.

1) Forget everything you know about what adults find funny. Remember in 2nd or 3rd grade when sticking your tongue out in a photo was considered edgy? Well guess what motherfucker… IT STILL IS! Make a funny face, crank your jaw to the side, cross your eyes and bend your fingers all silly like. This technique is know as the “Stephen Hawking” and its power to illustrate wackiness should not be underestimated.

2) If you want to get a little more advanced have a couple members give a “sexy” look. This works best when delivered by the most overweight male or female in your group.

3) Suits! Yeah, suits are funny. Why? Because it’s unexpected! People expect you to be in jeans and t-shirts so you go ahead and turn their world upside down by doing the opposite. Think about it, Carrot Top in a tie-dye tank top… funny, Carrot Top in a suit… I think you get my point.

4) James Bond finger guns. It’s simple really, just imitate your favorite James Bond poster but use your fingers as guns. I know, right? People will be like “What?” and then they will start peeing their pants.

5) This one is NOT optional. Any successful impov group knows to ALWAYS climb all over each other in their promotional photo. Really get in there and fight for it like your job at Best Buy depends on it. Stretch those arms and legs like crazy until the whole group looks like some sort of rollicking comical octopus. Holy shit, I’m laughing just picturing it.

It’s that easy, just ask these guys.

You know what “flickr” stands for?

Finding
L something
I something
Creepy
K something
R something.

OK, maybe I didn’t work that out very well but my brain is about to melt thanks to finding the world’s scariest photo.

I want to be delicate here because the photographer had good intentions (if you call taking a photo of your grandfather on his deathbed a good idea) but holy shit do I wish I never saw this nightmare. I mean COME ON, it’s got everything you need to keep you up at night… exposed light bulb in a dark room, grainy black & white, mysterious little dolls, a crucifix and a dying grandfather who looks remarkably like he’s wearing a “Michael Myers” mask.

Blow it up at your own risk, I’m pretty sure it steals your soul.

You know what would be like so cool and like totally show like how poetic and deep my photography is? Totally imagine this, it’s like a black and white image but like there are roses that are like totally still red? Yeah yeah yeah, I know, right? It’s like the world is ugly and like dying but like the beauty of the rose lives on? It’s like the innocence of children but like also dangerous because of the thorns? Also like vampires and Wicca and like blood but like beautiful and timeless and delicate but also totally strong? You know? It’s like I’m the single red rose and my parents are the desolate world trying to like totally make me wilt but I’m too bold and bright to be like… ignored?

Gallery of shit

All I know is that every time I get a massage it looks nothing like the tranquil rocks-on-the-back photos I always see advertised. In fact, it’s usually midnight, I’m somewhere near the airport and I’m sitting in the parking lot of a 7-11 trying to freshen up by triggering a Glade Sense & Spray off in my pants. Sorry, I like to be presentable for the ladies, sue me.

But wait, that’s not the point of this post! I’m not attacking hot stone massages, rather I take issue with the endless parade of identical massage stock photos we are forced to suffer through. Sure, the boob squishing out from the side is a check in the plus column but is it enough? Is it enough? I’m here to ask the difficult questions.

I sincerely hope you have found yourself on this page after doing a Google search for “massage stock photos” and I hope you are now rethinking your decision to use a photo of a topless woman with “rock spine.” I understand why you want to use a photo like this but I implore you to help put an end to this epidemic. Let’s do this together, let’s think outside the box.

Maybe… just thinking off the top of my head here… maybe we can try some with the woman on her back? Maybe she’s in heels? You know, something fuckin’ classy.

Remember in the last post when I said my next post would be better? Boy did I get that wrong!