You just made my list!

Understand something from the git go, I LOVE old people. If I’ve waited in line at the post office for 20 minutes and just as it’s my turn an old lady hobbles past everyone and walks right up to the counter I’m overjoyed. I’m being serious, I love it.

Good for you old people! You’ve been through enough shit and don’t need to be wasting your last few precious moments waiting in some bullshit line with a bunch of assholes checking their email on their cell phones. You don’t even know what email is and you could not care less that I currently have a score of 40,572 in “Cat Physics” on my iPhone. Although, to be fair, I worked really hard on that score, old people, and you should at least acknowledge it, especially if I’m letting you cut in line at the post office and drive 6 MPH in front of me on the road. Would it kill you to just say “Good job sonny” and take an interest in something I like for a change?

Having said that, old people should not be guarding the bank. I’m guessing the security guard at my bank was born around 1835 but he doesn’t look a day over 130! When I walked in the bank today I was trying to figure out why a guard’s uniform was sitting on top of a pile of dusty meat in the corner and then I realized it was just the guard.

God bless the guy, but forget about him running across the room to karate kick a pistol out of the hands of a robber. At best, this guy might be able to muster up a cranky glare or a disapproving “Hmmmpfff.”

So, I think I’ve made myself clear… old people acting selfish = awesome. Old people with guns = my vast fortune getting robbed.

This afternoon I entered what can only be described as a perfect storm of suckery. A portal to hell opened, and out climbed a collection of douchebags sent to Earth with one mission… to destroy me. This is my tragic tale.

I had to hit the post office this afternoon to ship something I sold on Ebay. It was a beautiful summer day, so even the long line I discovered could not ruin my mood. I say “long” line, but really I was only 7 or 8 people from the front. The package already had proper postage and was ready to go, but since it was kind of a valuable item I decided against dropping it off at the counter and waited in line with the rest of the creeps. It was this decision that caused several things I hate to begin converging.

1) Crazy people! As I was waiting patiently in line I heard the unmistakable sound of a crazy person outside. When I turned and looked out the window I could see he was engaged in a heated debate with the garbage can. Next thing you know, the lamp post chimes in and it’s two against one! I realize I should have compassion for these nutjobs, but I simply don’t, they annoy me. Maybe if I lived in a small town the local psychos would seem charming, but when you live in a major city and you are surrounded by crazies, the charm wears away quickly. Much to my delight, Crazy shook hands with the garbage can and lamp post and marched into the post office to take care of some important shipping.

2) People who get all up in my personal space! Luckily the crazy guy was now a mere 3 inches behind me. Nothing makes a long ling feel like a fucking long line like having a creepy crazy person’s breath blowing through your hair. Well, there is one way to make that line feel EVEN LONGER…

3) People who complain about long lines the entire time they are in a long line! Crazy must have had some important business to get back to at the office because he did not like this long line one bit! I don’t think he stopped talking about the length of the line for longer than 15 seconds. He explained to anyone who would listen (nobody) that the reason the line was long was because there was only one window open. You would think the post office employees would have taken his suggestion to hire more people seriously based on the fact that his shirt was on backward and his shoes were actually socks. It doesn’t get any better than this! Or does it…

4) People who sneeze near me! It was at this point that Crazy started to sneeze uncontrollably. UNCONTROLLABLY! He was like “I don’t understand why SNEEZE they don’t SNEEZE just hire SNEEZE some more people SNEEZE SNEEZE man SNEEZE I ain’t used to SNEEZE this air conditioning SNEEZE SNEEZE SNEEZE.” At least all of his sneeze mist was cooling me down. It was like one of those “cooling tents” at Lollapalooza but more horrible and vomit-inducing. If only there was a way to make his sneezing more annoying…

5) Saying “Bless you!” Every time Crazy would sneeze, the guy behind him in line would say “bless you.” Keep in mind this guy sneezed at least 25 times. How about someone bless me and toss a bucket of holy water in my face to kill the swine flu which was now undoubtedly starting to kill me.

Eventually I made my way to the counter and dropped off my box. Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last! All I had to do was walk out the door and my nightmare would finally be over. Wait, what is happening? Why can’t I get through the door?

6) People who stop in doorways! I have literally never felt the urge to stop in a doorway. Sadly the woman walking in front of me could not fight this urge. Nope, she stopped to read her receipt. I happen to know that she purchased postage for ONE ENVELOPE! What could possibly so important on that receipt that she would need to stop in a doorway to read it? I punched her in the side of the head and went on my way.

Was this as boring to read as it was to write?

Hey, you know what could make this long line go faster? Listening to you complain about it for 20 minutes!

We all feel the same way when we open the door at the post office and see a long line. One of two words is usually whispered at this point, one begins with an F and the other an S. I go with the classic F-word but then I get over it and wait like everyone else.

But there is a different breed of person out there whose sole purpose on earth is to make an already long line feel even longer with constant sighs and groans. They shift from foot to foot and dramatically look down the line in an attempt to understand how there could POSSIBLY be a line at the post office 5 days before Christmas. They fold their arms while they huff and puff over this tragedy against mankind.

Oh no, it does not stop there does it. These annoying turds have one more trick up their sleeves and this is what really gets my blood boiling. These assholes love to try and draw everyone into some sort of customer revolt. They start to say things like, “can you believe this” or “this is ridiculous, why don’t they hire more people?” They assume just because you are stuck in the same line you will agree to join the killing spree they are planning. Look guy, I just want to mail these Star Wars figures to the guy who won them on Ebay, I don’t need to join your militia.

One time, while waiting in line for a rental car, this guy in line was losing his shit to the point where he drafted a crazy person petition and asked all of us to sign it. I have no idea what we would have been agreeing to exactly, but obviously everyone ignored him. I should also mention that we only waited in this line for approximately 6-8 minutes. I’m surprised we all lived through such hell!

I see the obvious irony in complaining about other people complaining so shut up.