Tag Archive 'video games'

Dec 24 2010

Merry Christmas from Creed!

Published by under Jerks

scott stapp creed christmas card

What, you expect me to write on Christmas eve? I don’t get a day off to celebrate the day before the fake birthday of a guy who may, or may not, have actually existed?

Here, you want a post? I hate people who trample other people for Holiday sales at various shit-filled stores. Can you imagine taking your final breath on the floor of a Walmart while hundreds of fat-asses in sweatpants callously walk across your dying body so they can get a fucking Xbox for their shitty, meth-addicted, Juggalo children at a 20% discount?

Now I’m in a bad mood. Christmas is canceled!

6 responses so far

May 03 2010

Cub Scout “Video Games” merit badges!

Boy Scouts Vide Game merit badge

(world’s largest sigh followed by eye rolling so intense it causes vomiting)

Video games are fun, I get it. I practically got an erection on Christmas morning, 1983, when I saw a present under the tree that was the exact size of an Atari 2600. I hadn’t even unwrapped the thing yet and I was already pissing my Yoda jammies from excitement. But I’m sorry, it just seems wrong for the Cub Scouts to award kids for playing video games.

Maybe “wrong” is not the best way to describe it, “lame” is probably more appropriate. Cub Scouts should be all about tying knots, burning stuff in campfires and watching your dad build you a kickass Pinewood Derby car, because let’s face it, he’s more excited about building that car than you are. Say, that reminds me, did you know you can now buy pre-built Pinewood Derby cars that require no effort other than slapping a few stickers on it? Fuck that! Pinewood Derby was all about seeing whose dad was awesome and whose dad was no better than a little girl. Want to know which dads have a sweet set of tools and which dads secretly give handjobs in forest preserves… you need look no further than Pinewood Derby day. Pinewood Derby was a thinly veiled pissing match for the dads and it should stay that way.

Where was I? Oh yeah, video games. Um… I’m bored with that subject, I should have made this post about Pinewood Derby. Fuck everything!

17 responses so far

Apr 07 2009

These ridiculously dumb commercials!

Admittedly, this is sort of a cop-out post because I’m in the middle of a huge project and don’t have a ton of time for “blogging.” God damn I hate the term “blogging!” Even though this is a short post it is still brilliantly awesome and you should bow before me for finding the time to squeeze it out of my brain hole.

Here are two commercials that have been making me insane lately. One makes me insane with rage while the other practically gives me a boner from how awesomely awesome it is.

Let me start with the one I hate. I’m sure you have seen this commercial for “Rhythm Heaven” on the Nintendo DSi Featuring Beyonce. First of all, what the hell is the point of this game? As far as I can tell, the goal is to slowly become retarded. I hate when people call things retarded but in this case I literally think this game might make you retarded. Wait, is Beyonce actually retarded and I’m being incredibly insensitive?


If I’m ever having a bad day all I have to do is watch this commercial for finallyfast.com and the world seems beautiful again. Specifically the part with the video game kid! Oh sweet lord I love him! I fear him, but I love him. Seriously mom, get this kid a faster connection because he has a certain “shooting-up-the-high-school” vibe to him.

18 responses so far

Mar 26 2009

My server and Wii tennis!

Published by under Why?!?

computer_nerd

You may have noticed that the site was down for most of the day yesterday. Sorry about that, the server was not happy about something. Unfortunately I was unable to log on and write something for today. Again, sorry. I’M SORRY!

Here, you want something? I hate that my arm is killing me from playing 3 games of Wii tennis last night. It makes me want to end it all. It just seems wrong.

There, now shut up.

14 responses so far

Jul 21 2008

Billy Mitchell and his little Bitch Brian Kuh!

Published by under Jerks

Have you seen the documentary The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters yet? If not, hurry the hell up because it rules. You know what doesn’t rule, Billy Mitchell and his little disciple Brian Kuh. They suck very hard.

It has nothing to do with the possibility that Billy cheated or the fact that he won’t break world records at the little Twin Galaxies festival of virgins, I just can’t stand the guy. He’s the worst kind of nerd, arrogant and with zero self-awareness. I like my nerds to be fearful and lonely. I want them to flinch when I fake punch them.

It’s no wonder Billy Mitchell walks around like the Arthur Fonzarelli of the arcade. He is literally worshiped by a small but devoted group of video game dorks. Adult video game dorks. He is king of the dorks. And what a heroic figure he is with his beautiful, long, 1984 porno hair and his novelty, America-themed neckties. He’s like a cross between Jesus and Chewbacca.

Every night before bed Billy has to remove Brian Kuh from his ass. If Billy Mitchell is king of the dorks then Brian is… well… Brian is just a fucking dork! I just came to a startling realization, Billy Mitchell IS cool. I mean in his world he does deserve to be king. He hangs out with 40 year old guys who still play Marble Madness WITH THEIR FEET. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that Billy Mitchell is the only member of Twin Galaxies who has ever kissed a girl.

Maybe I’m jealous of Billy Mitchell. Maybe I want to be Billy Mitchell. I’m just kidding, I was trying to sound like a real writer coming to some stupid realization. No, the truth is I can’t stand Billy and Brian Kuh and people who play Marble Madness with their feet.

I am not including Roy “Mr. Awesome” Shildt in the dork category. He is, in fact, AWESOME!

62 responses so far