I am not a fan of “political correctness” but come on, you would have to be a fucking IDIOT to pose for this photo without understanding why it’s offensive and racist. Don’t most people outgrow making “slanty eyes” around the 4th grade?
The part of this story that really confuses me is that this photo, and another identical photo of the women’s team, was used in an advertisement for one of the team’s sponsors. How dumb are the Spanish and how bad are their ads? I’m starting to think I could be the president of an advertising agency in Spain. I guess I always assumed they were cultured people who spent their days in white linen suits sipping sangria on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea.
Think of how many people must have been involved with this ad and not a single person said “Esto es estúpido. Esto es una idea muy mala.”
Too bad Spain is currently making a bid for the 2016 Olympics. How’s that working out for you Spain?
You know how I know there is no God? Every time I see a dirty hippy on their tall bike I pray to God and baby Jesus they will fall. I don’t want them to get hurt (maybe a little) but I do desperately want them to tip over. This is the only thing I ever pray for and when I’m praying for it I’m praying hard. Here’s God’s chance to prove his existence but nothing ever happens. I’ll tell you this, if God is on the side of the tall bikers I don’t want any part of his lame ass.
Does your city have these assholes? Here’s an idea, spend a little more time in the shower and a little less time forcing two bikes to fuck each other for all of eternity. You already have a hilarious, ironic mustache, guy, how much more attention do you need? Are you really that desperate to be noticed? Is it because nobody ever goes to your drum circle even though you put like a million flyers up all over the place? These urban clowns are like the smelly, poor version of these jerks. “Look at me all the way up here. Love me. Think I’m different. Me and all these other tall bike guys are different, right?” These guys are really stickin’ it to the man with their outrageously tall bikes, if the man is a normal human being who showers more than once a month.
In summation, fuck off and quit hoggin’ all the bikes!
FINALLY, we have a texting world champion and his name is Nathan Schwartz. Did you go to a kick ass texting world championship party like me? I went to my friend Joey’s house and it was fucking packed ass to elbow. IT-WAS-OFF-THE-HOOK! Oh, and what was your favorite texting world championship commercial this year?
FUCK OFF! What is happening to the world I live in? I relate to my fellow humans less and less every day.
This is you to me: “Hey jerk, this was just a corporate publicity event for blah blah blah.”
Me to you: “Inhale my FART!” I know that this was just a way for some company to create a viral video (and here I am like an asshole helping them) but it does not make me hate everyone involved any less. Maybe I’m just jealous that it takes me about 45 minutes to type “sounds good, see you there” on my cell phone. I should try “sdz gd c u thr” next time.
I was all set to share my wisdom on a completely different subject when I happened upon this “featured” headline on Yahoo. I’m pretty sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Please take note of how important these 5 featured headlines are. Thank god nothing else is happening in the world that might bump Kathy Griffin from the top news story of the moment. WAR IS OVER! Go grab a nurse in Times Square and totally tap dat ass!
OK, let’s ignore the fact that these Yahoo headlines make your high school newspaper look like The New York Times and focus on the reason my panties are all up in a bunch. Can it possibly be news that Kathy Griffin turned down “Dancing with the Stars?” I might, MIGHT, understand if the headline said something like “Kathy Griffin says YES to Dancing with the Stars” but no, this is a story reporting something that would barely be interesting if it HAD happened. It’s no different than a headline that reads “Tom Hanks still alive” or “Student filmmaker still working at Old Navy.” Nobody needs to know.
If I know you personally and you feel compelled to click “The reason why” link please never speak to me again.
I feel like a 7 year-old on Christmas morning! Have you heard the news, the wonderful, glorious news? Crocs’ crimes against humanity may soon end thanks to their stock taking a major nosedive (-47%) after the company had to announce they wouldn’t come anywhere near their previously announced expectations for the quarter. It has been a long time since the stock market has given me a boner this hard.
I’ve already written about my disdain for these rubber pieces of shit but this morning’s gift from the universe had to be acknowledged. The Crocs CEO Ron “Satan” Snyder had this to say, “Although we made important progress reducing costs in our manufacturing and distribution platform blah blah blah fart fart fart.” Who cares?
Michael Pierce, who is a smart guy from London said “I suspect the problem at Crocs is simply that people are tired of them and do not find them as exciting as they once did.” Yes, they were once so exciting!
Another smart guy named Mitch Kummetz has the quote that made my morning, “But with the outlook as bad as it now is, the fundamentals really are that bad. We see no catalyst to reverse the trend.”
I have never wanted to see a crane collapse as much as when I stare into the soulless faces of these jerks. How bored do you have to be to pay something like $20,000 to eat while hanging from a fucking crane? You will not find a human being on this planet who is more bored than me and yet I somehow have avoided calling “Dinner in the Sky” to come hoist my lazy ass 150 feet in the air for a little fine dining while strapped to a chair like a turd. YAY, now you have a lame story to tell all your lame friends down at the country club.
If I didn’t know this was real I would assume it was an internet gag. The best part? Here’s the first item on their FAQ page…
“Toilet Facilities – It’s like in a normal restaurant: you ask where they are to the waiter and… you go down. It’s just a bit less discreet because the whole table goes down but it takes less than a minute.”
It’s not going to take less than a minute if it’s me who’s using the toilet facilities. “Hey everyone, I know you all paid like a million dollars to eat up in the sky so all the poor people could watch but I need to take this bitch down for a sec. I REALLY have to shit you guys. Sorry but I am touching cloth over here. Very expensive cloth.”
Hey rich jerks, YOU WON ALREADY! You don’t need to prove it by eating from a crane for all to see.
I never thought I would actually long for the days when Mr. Six danced his fake old ass off to that piece of shit song but then Six Flags rolled out their “Fun-O-Meter” campaign. Sheesh.
Mr. Six and that song almost took me to the edge of suicide on a number of occasions. He started to appear in my dreams, I stopped showering, I ate dog food and I lost my job. I would sit in the corner wearing nothing more than a bow tie and a KFC bucket on my head. I rocked back and forth quietly singing “ba ba ba ba ba bababa, ba ba ba ba ba bababa, da da da da da dadada, ba ba ba ba ba bababa” in a puddle of my own pee. I hate you Mr. Six but I want you back!
I want you back because this new “Fun-O-Meter” yelling-in-my-face guy has me on the brink of bringing the KFC bucket and bow tie out of storage. Why can’t Six Flags just show me happy people waiting in line for 2 hours with gangbangers and slutty 16-year-old girls in mesh tops? Isn’t that why we all go to Six Flags? I’m getting off topic here but seriously, when was the last time you were at an amusement park? If these kids are our future WE ARE FUCKED.
Anyway, I’m sick of people yelling at me via my TV. I told you like a thousand times, I don’t want to snap into a Slim Jim! These commercials don’t make us pay attention, they make us dive for the remote as if it were a live grenade.
I’ll tell you who else just made my list… me, for spending the last 30 minutes researching who the “real Mr. Six” is. I should be on my list for even knowing his name is Mr. Six!
Well here he is everyone, strike up the fucking band, it’s Danny Teeson from “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl.” Did you even know there was a “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl?” So there you go, the last remaining mystery in the universe has been solved! Who cares? Apparently me.
Stop it! Stop wearing Che Guevara t-shirts and stop stuffing your stupid baby into Che onesies in an attempt to prove your kid is cool. Your kid is a dork and it’s your fault.
Is there anything more Ironic and wrong that a man known for counterculture, revolution and anti-capitalism is now plastered all over $40 baby shirts? Che would shit his pantalones with excitement if he knew his message of socialism and guerrilla warfare had finally reached Brian Cunningham of North Haven, Connecticut. Guess what? Brian thinks it’s a Rage Against The Machine shirt.
If you want to wear a Che Guevara shirt that badly please buy this one. While you’re at it get rid of your stupid fucking Von Dutch crap too. Kenny “Von Dutch” Howard was a psycho racist.
