I’m not talking about drummers. No, I am referring to the guy on stage directly to the drummer’s right. The guy with the perm from 1992 who’s wearing the vest and smacking the bongos with a level of excitement normally reserved for losing one’s virginity. Ironically this is not a joy most percussionists will ever know.
While drummers play an important and kick ass role in a band, it seems the sole purpose of a percussionist is to make that dreamy, twinkly sound during ballads by running a drum stick across the miniature chimes that they seem to have some legal obligation to own. Other than that what do they do? Hit cymbals at the exact same time as the drummer? You know what it sounds like when 3 cymbals are all hit at the same time? It sounds exactly like 2 cymbals hit at the same time.
These useless turds always have the same shit-eating grin on their face too because, unlike the core members of the band who had to work hard to get to the point where they can tour and afford to waste their money on a percussionist, they simply get plucked from their job at Guitar Center and placed on stage in front of the band’s fans. The thing is that these dicks always act like the cheering crowds are actually there to see them play their little setup of nonessential drums. The truth is they are there to see Sting suck.
Well, I guess it’s time to write about these crimes against humanity because there is a song sweeping the nation all about them. Who am I kidding? I’m using the fact that there is this stupid song as an excuse to put very little effort into this. LEAVE ME ALONE, I’M BUSY!
The truth is that I really do hate these fast food combo restaurants. How can I possibly decide between Taco Bell diarrhea or E. Coli from the Pizza Hut salad bar? I won’t choose so don’t ask!
Now, let’s talk about this Pizza Hut and Taco Bell song by Das Racist. I know nothing about this duo, but they scream New York ironic hipster to me. You know what really makes me mad about this song? I fucking LIKE it! I deserve to have my ears removed for tolerating this shit.
I know I already wrote some brilliant prose about pimp costumes today but I can no longer bite my tongue on the subject of Balloon Boy and his fucked up family. I wasn’t going to write about them because honestly there is nothing I could say that you have not already thought yourself. But now that I have seen the Henne family rap song I want the entire family tossed in jail.
Check out the Henne brothers rapping about pussification, shitting, farting, pissing and “Faggots.” What a classy family.
Stop the madness! Steven, God is obviously trying to kill you, or at the very least send you a message. Give it up! Stop dancing around like an old, drunk slut at a bar who just played an entire Bob Seger album on the jukebox. Go be an old lady somewhere and stop making me look at you. Seriously, at this point your face has more wrinkles than my saggy balls on a hot summer day.*
Aerosmith has about 7-10 good songs. Unfortunately, the rest of their shitty songs are so God-awful that it has made it impossible to enjoy their good songs. I’m sure Carrot Top has one or two good jokes, but the remainder of his material would prevent me from finding them funny. For every 3 shitty songs you write, a good one is erased from the face of the earth.
Janie’s Got A Gun
+
Dude (Looks Like A Lady)
+
Rag Doll
=
NO MORE TOYS IN THE ATTIC
It’s simple math.
*for those of you who do not have balls, the hotter they get, the longer and more horrible they become.
Enjoy this video of God trying to stop Steven Tyler for good
Sorry, no “real” post today. I met the love of my life and we have spent so much time in the bedroom I simply can’t find the time to write for the site. Her name is Icy Spicy Leoncie and she is probably the most talented singer/songwriter/performer/lover on the planet! THE WHOLE PLANET! Jealous? Yes, you are.
Leoncie and I just love to have fun.
My favorite song about getting killed while jogging in the park.
Thank God Paul McCartney took my criticism to heart and improved that horrible guitar sound used in the original recording of “Get Back.” When he performed last night on David Letterman it sounded MUCH better. Thanks Paul!
Hey Paul, do you leave comments under the name “Joe” by any chance?
Enjoy while you can, this will be removed from youtube soon.
Please understand that I am not kidding and I am not trying to be funny or outrageous when I say that the guitar solo(s) in Get Back make me feel ill. I literally feel queasy and irritable the second I hear that muffled monstrosity of a guitar solo.
It’s not just the notes that are played, it’s the sound of the guitar. The Get Back lead guitar sound is the audio equivalent of some creepy stranger giving you an unwanted massage on the bus. Oh, and it’s summer and it just rained but the hot sun is now pouring through the bus windows turning the bus into a rolling greenhouse filled with the stale air from 10,000 armpits. And guess what? You also have the flu. You also just whipped up a fresh batch of diarrhea in your pants. Your snow pants. Yeah, that’s right, you are wearing snow pants in August because your fever is melting your brain and you can no longer tell the difference between winter and summer attire. When you turn around to feebly whisper the words “please stop touching me” you see that the sweaty ham hands belong to super-douche Guy Fieri. All you can do is sit in your poo-filled pants and cry while he describes things as “money.”
