Oh Joan, why? I was with you when you had a few tucks here and there but this is getting out of hand. Joan, I loved you in “The Wrestler” but it’s time to keep off the operating table, forever.
I like Joan Rivers, I really do. She has thrived in a predominately male industry for decades and paved the way for every female comic working today, like Carrot Top. She’s a salty dame who loves a good dirty joke and she’s more than willing to make fun of herself. I think most people think of her as a useless red carpet interviewer but I think she deserves more respect than that. I know everything.
Having said that, what the fuck is up with her face? She’s looking more and more like Madame every day. If you don’t know who Madame is you need to ask yourself where you went wrong in life.
If you have ever traveled by car through the Midwest, or “the belly of the beast” as I call it, you will know exactly what I am talking about. By the way, I have literally never called the Midwest “the belly of the beast” and I have no idea why I wrote that.
Anyway, as you drive through the flat middle of America there are a few things you are guaranteed to see… billboards for Jesus, adult bookstores, fireworks stores all claiming to be the world’s largest and/or craziest, J.B. Hunt trucks and inexplicable clusters of generic housing developments in the middle of corn fields.
Let me be clear, I am not criticizing the people who live in these homes. If this is their American dream then great, I am almost happy for them. I’m just saying that when I see these cookie-cutter, soulless houses huddling together like frightened bunnies with nothing more than a single tiny tree to shelter them from the whipping winds a wave of depression washes over me. I’m not kidding, these communities are my idea of hell on earth. HELL ON EARTH!
If you are wondering why this isn’t very funny or interesting it’s because I’m super tired from my drive home today and I just woke up from a nap. I hate naps. I always feel worse after a nap. You hear that naps, I think you just made my list too!
I’m bored, I have to pack for a trip and I don’t really feel like writing. According to some people I should probably just give up. I think they might be right. Blogging is almost as dumb as twitter-ing or whatever it’s called.
This idiot called me an idiot. I’m going on a road trip!
Oh my God, look at how beautiful that peacock is with his majestic feathers extended like some magical fairytale bird.
WRONG! You have never been more wrong you stupid idiot! That peacock is trying to hypnotize that peahen and fuck her terrified ass. Oh yeah, and he wants to do it while your family watches! No wonder “cock” is in his name!
If you have only experienced peacocks in photographs then you probably think I’m crazy. However, if you have witnessed this horror show in person then you will know what I’m talking about. The male will raise his feathers in an attempt to look awesome. Fine, I can deal with that. It’s not unlike when I walk around Six Flags shirtless. Next it surrounds the peahen and shakes its ass a few times. OK, sounds like me at the beach. But then it all goes terribly wrong. This creepy jerk violently vibrates his feathers, creating the most horrific sound you will ever hear. It’s subtle but disgusting! I am not lying when I tell you it makes my skin crawl. When I witnessed it up close and personal in Hawaii I thought I was going to cry or barf or maybe cry barf out of my eyes.
You think I’m good at blogging? You should see me work my magic behind the wheel. Sitting in the passenger seat of my car is akin to sharing the piano bench with Beethoven while he composes his music and shit. Yeah, I’m THAT good.
While the rest of you are sitting confused and helpless behind a UPS truck, I simply check my mirrors and casually turn my steering wheel allowing me to drive around said truck. While you monsters allow your fellow man to die a slow death at a parking lot exit, I give the gift of life with the benevolent wave of my kind hand. You drive like you no longer have arms and eyes while trying to talk on a cell phone but I can literally send a text and eat an ice cream sundae while flawlessly driving with my knees. I work my way through traffic effortlessly like a surgeon carefully performing brain surgery… on a fucking brain! A human brain you idiot! I drive with a kind yet firm hand. I will happily pay it forward but do not think you shall tread on me.
Parallel parking? Yeah, I’m pretty much the best at that too. Actually, I’m awesome at driving in reverse in all situations. I once drove from Chicago to Detroit IN REVERSE! I’ve changed from my beach wear into a tuxedo while driving 70 MPH down the highway. The drivers I pass give me thumbs up and rush home to twitter or tweet or whatever the fuck it’s called.
I’m not dumb, I understand WHY people were initially fascinated by the Octo-mom but can’t we move on to the next freak now?
Weeks ago I thought about writing something about this weirdo but it’s too obvious. How could I possibly add a fresh perspective to the subject? This human clown car* is obviously sick and any reasonable person should be able to acknowledge that and move on. So why the hell do I have to see her Angelina-Jolie-post -flaming-car-accident face every time I turn on the TV?
Don’t try to blame the media either. If they were not getting ratings from the subject they would drop the story faster than Octo-mom drops babies out of her skirt. ZING!
I know most people can’t look away from a car wreck like this but I really think they should. At best, give it a quick glance but then fight the urge to stare. I’m honestly not trying to be holier than thou but I have a real problem with people who are entertained by others’ misery (unless it’s someone getting hit in the nuts.) I feel like everyone’s fascination with this woman and her soon-to-be-fucked up kids is like watching a cock fight.
I’m pretty sure I will win some sort of major literary (I just misspelled literary) award for this post.
Every week I see commercials for ER that claim the next episode is a “can’t-miss event.” It seems to me whatever hospital these guys work at is the least safe hospital in the world. Every week there’s a guy with a gun mowing people down or a helicopter crashing through the roof. You’re there for a simple tummy ache and the next thing you know your alcoholic doctor is screwing the nurse and a runaway truck is driving through your room.
Why can’t ER be more like People’s Court and be awesome? Is that too much to ask?
