You just made my list!

Much like the Terminator, you can be sure that after you eat Wendy’s “Baconator” it too will be back.

Do I really need to “conquer” my food? Ted Nugent and Sarah Palin may love to bring their food to its knees, but I just need something that will go down and come out the other end without trying to kill me in the process. Don’t get me wrong, I hate fussy food, but I also don’t need a fucking pizza on top of my pretzel. How in the hell am I supposed to walk around the mall and impress 18-year-old girls (or their moms) when I’m trying to balance a pizza on top of my God damn pretzel? I’m already carrying 4 bags from Hot Topic!

A Triple Baconator clocks in at:
1330 calories
86 grams of fat
780 calories coming from fat.

Let me put that into perspective for your fat ass… a Big Mac has 540 calories with 29 grams of fat and 260 calories from fat. In other words, a Triple Baconator is like eating 2.5 Big Macs. The recommended caloric intake for a 25 year old male who is 6 feet / 175 lbs is about 2500-2900 depending on how active they are. So let’s add medium fries and a large Coke to your Wendy’s order, please drive to the first window. Congratulations you just consumed 2020 calories and 106 grams of fat in ONE MEAL! I’m sweating just from the thought of it.

Your body literally does need to conquer that son-of-a-bitch!

If you can’t live without your precious Baconator, you might as well class it up a bit.

Hey thanks leg, I was hoping that my innocent morning stretch would end with a pain so powerful it would cause me to piss my pants and scream into my pillow for mommy. I love to start my day by pooping my pants and whimpering like a lost puppy. What, you don’t pee and poop your pants when you get a charley horse? I do that and more. I cry and vomit too. I also sweat, sneeze, bleed out of my ears and ejaculate. It’s a real freaky scene, man.

I’m sure we have all been reduced to tears by a tiny foot cramp, but I can top you all. Your pussy cramps pale in comparison to what happened to me one morning. I don’t literally mean cramps you might get in your vagina, I was simply trying to imply that my worst charley horse could kick your charley horse’s ass! Anyway… one morning I was yawning and my motherfucking TONGUE cramped and stiffened like a brick. Do you understand what I’m talking about? I got a god damn charley horse in my mouth! A tongue boner!

Top that.

Boy are you about to be cheated! I bought a new iMac that’s the size of a drive-in movie screen and I have been setting it up all night. I just realized I forgot to write something for you and now your day is most likely ruined. I am truly sorry. I owe you one.

In other news… Dana Carvey sucks huge amounts of ass and has been funny approximately 2 times. I can’t tell you when those 2 times occurred, but I am assuming they must have happened.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

You know how I know your band sucks? Because you took your band photo on the railroad tracks.

Sure, you tried staring right at the camera with that “What, I don’t fucking care about this stupid photo” look. When that failed you looked away from the camera and off into the distance with that “What, I don’t fucking care about this stupid photo” look, but that made you look like you cared even more. Damn it!

My advice for your band photo? Take a photo of your shit band selling your shit equipment to a pawn shop, then photograph yourself applying for a job at Circuit City. Then a few photos of you realizing Circuit City has been out of business for a year and you just applied for a job at a vacant building. You idiot.

Feast your eyes on the gallery of failure!