Are you KIDDING ME? Have you heard about this bullshit? Yeah, that’s right, schools are now starting to pay kids for good grades. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now, fuck off.
What happened to people doing things simply because it’s the right thing to do? What happened to kids doing what they are told to do because they are kids and don’t really have a say in the matter? When did Americans become so afraid of children and why must we cater to their every whim? Why am I so much smarter than everyone?!? Probably because I was forced to do my homework without the option of getting rewarded for it.
My reward for getting decent grades was being allowed to live in our house and eat food. Doesn’t seem like I deserved much more than that if you ask me.
School sucked, I hated every second of it. It was BORING and bringing home a mountain of homework every night was torture for me. I was a smart kid but a terrible student, however I am endlessly thankful that I had to suffer through 17 (18?) years of school because it set me up for life. It taught me that sometimes, probably usually, life is not fun. I think that is more valuable than most of the knowledge I absorbed. School teaches you that sometimes shit stinks and all you can do is breathe it in.
Bribing kids for doing what they should be doing anyway is ridiculous. I don’t care if it’s grades or picking up their toys. If my kid went to a school that paid for good grades I would immediately take that money from them and spend it on something for myself. Life can be annoying, get used to it.
If you were a little kid in the 70s, or even up to the mid 80s, you probably have similar Halloween memories to mine. You would start planning your costume around November 3rd shortly after eating five pillowcases filled with candy over the previous three days and when Halloween finally did roll around you would trick-or-treat for hours. I easily, without exaggeration, walked about 140 miles while trick or treating each Halloween. Keep in mind, if my costume called for it I would walk these long miles in bare feet (i.e. barefoot hobo, barefoot zombie, barefoot cowboy, barefoot Batman).
My parents would remove the window from the front door to more easily hand out candy to the never-ending line of trick-or-treaters who would show up on our stoop all night until they finally were forced to turn the porch light off at 10:30 or 11:00. They always, ALWAYS, ran out of candy and my dad would quickly drive to the store to buy more.
It was Halloween motherfucker and it fucking RULED!
Sadly, tragically really, those days are over. Last year I moved to a house after living in an apartment the city for 15 years and I was ready for a long night of answering the door to a chorus of little voices screaming “TRICK-OR-TREAT” in unison but the doorbell rang twice, exactly TWICE! First, four cute little kids dressed as Spidermen and princesses rang my bell, YAY! Then an hour later two teens dressed as two teens rang the the bell and demanded candy. Happy fucking Halloween.
I ran into my 9 year old neighbor today and asked if she was excited about Halloween. She shrugged. I asked what she was dressing up as and she said “we are not allowed to dress up at our school.” I curled up into a ball and cried until my tears formed a puddle around me.
I know I sound like an old man complaining about “my day” but come on, what’s the deal? I know what the deal is, parents think their kids are going to be poisoned or razor bladed or whatever. This fear is baseless and not anchored by fact whatsoever. Creepy loners don’t put razor blades in apples and they don’t hand out poisoned candy. It just does not happen.
I honestly feel sad for these kids. Halloween was second only to Christmas when I was growing up. Maybe someone should create an “Extreme Trick-or-Treat” game for Xbox so kids can sit at home on their fat asses all night.
Wow, this was some headline to start my day with this morning. How does something this insanely insensitive make it to the front page of Yahoo?
It’s so casual with its “Weekend of death and birth” announcement that it’s actually shocking. That was some CRAZY weekend huh? It’s like they are holding up Amy Poehler’s baby right in Jennifer Hudson’s face and saying “So sorry your family was murdered but look at this cute baby, don’t be such a sourpuss!” Even the photo of Hudson is an odd choice. It looks like the brutal slaying of her mother, brother and young nephew is some sort of wacky blooper that should be followed by a “BOING” sound effect.
And let’s not forget how mean this is to Amy Poehler! First of all, it makes her look like a gloating bitch even though obviously she had no control over this nonsense. Secondly, it’s a strange way to welcome her first child into the world. (Insert baby talk voice) “Hi little baby. Who’s a baby? You’re a baby, yes you are. Yes you are. Yes you are. Did you hear about Jennifer Hudson’s family getting murdered? Did you little baby? Who heard about the murder? Who heard about the murder? Who’s a little baby? Yes you are!”
Seriously? Huh? Not possible! NOT POSSIBLE! Someone wake me from this nightmare!
If you buy a treadmill for your child DCFS should remove them from your home and you should be immediately sterilized by a brutal smashing of said treadmill to your baby maker.
Just like when I discussed baby helmets, I am only referring to people who put normal, healthy kids on a treadmill. If they need baby-sized treadmills for some sort of physical therapy that’s fine, but if you would rather see your dumb kid taking a walk in your living room rather than playing outside like a normal human then there is something wrong with you and soon there will be something wrong with your child.
If my child asked me for one of these contraptions I would make them live outside in the wild for a week as punishment. Think of all the exercise little Bobby would get foraging for berries and building rudimentary shelters. Perhaps he will have to run from a family of rabid raccoons, I don’t know but that kid is going to lose at least 8 lbs without the aid of a god damn treadmill. Problem solved.
Let me quickly explain what “Baby’s First Headgear” is before you think I’m ragging on kids who actually NEED helmets for various legitimate reasons. This ridiculous piece of shit is for normal, healthy babies who are simply learning to walk. HUH?
My friend who brought this crime against baby humanity to my attention told me she has even seen kids wearing fucking knee pads while learning to walk. WHAT? Have we all gone insane? No wonder there are people in this country who think Sarah Palin is “spunky and fun.”
Listen, I understand that babies can get hurt, even seriously, from a fall but come on, helmets for healthy babies? Kids get hurt. Kids eat dirt. Kids touch things that are hot. Guess what, all that stuff is good for them. You know how I learned to NOT touch the stove? By touching the stove, once.
When I grew up in the 70s daily life was like running through a maze of knives and fire. My grade school’s playground equipment was tall, metal and sat on top of nice hard cement. Like most kids in my school I broke a bone when I tumbled to the concrete at recess. I spent most of my childhood falling from trees, crashing my bike, getting fishing hooks stuck in my face and most summer days I could be found with at least one of my body parts on fire. AHHHH, the good old days. I’m not kidding, it was fucking awesome. I also learned how to deal with stuff because my parents never made a big deal out of anything.
I’m sorry but helmets for healthy babies are ri-fucking-diculous. Life is dangerous and to be alive means to occasionally get hurt, babies included.
I need to punch something. Not a baby.
*Update: This ought to make all you helmet parents pass out…
Can somebody please tell super honkies Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale that they are NOT Jamaican? First they name one kid “Kingston” and now these turds can be seen pushing baby “Zuma Nesta Rock” around in a $1,500 stroller all over the mean streets of Beverly Hills. They act like they conceived these kids while on a weed break down at the steel drum factory.
In case you don’t watch the news, “Nesta” is Bob Marley’s real first name that was later switched to his middle name. Hey, I like Bob Marley too, what white person from the suburbs doesn’t own his greatest hits? If Gwen and Gavin REALLY want to prove they are the reggae fanatics they pretend to be I expect their next child to be named “Perry Toots Cliff Dekker Paragon Upsetter Stafani-Rossdale.”
Stop being such show off dickheads with the baby names already and name your next kid “Bob” or “Jill.” We get it, you’re cooler than normal people.
I wish I could remember why these two idiots are even famous. Weren’t they in a ska Nirvana cover band or something? They are so painfully boring I can barely continue to type… sleepy… so sleepy…
Well it’s official, I hate everyone in modern society. PBS is going to stop syndicating one of the all-time best children’s programs, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, because of “declining ratings.” A spokesperson for PBS had this to say, “I’m a big fat asshole, and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
Let’s get one thing straight (3 things actually), Fred Rogers rules as a person, as an educator and as a TV host. He was more than a host really. He created the show, wrote the scripts, wrote all the songs and even did the voices of the puppets, for 33 years! Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood was a labor of love and all kidding aside I think Fred Rogers was an incredibly great man. The world needs more people like him.
I guess I’m so pissed because here’s another example of how our society has changed for the worse. Kids need to practically have a seizure from bright colors and flashing bullshit or they won’t watch a TV show. You know what, that’s not true. Kids have not changed but what they are exposed to has. I loved – LOVED – Mr. Rogers when I was a kid and I know for a fact he helped shape me into the person I am today. OK, maybe I shouldn’t use myself as an example of a Mr. Rogers success story but he must have helped some other people grow into normal, happy people.
You know what PBS, Fred Rogers was there for you when the government was going to cut your funding in half. In fact he saved your nerd asses with a simple 7 minute speech to a Senate subcommittee in 1969. How about you repay the favor and keep this amazing, timeless show on the air.
See the look on these kid’s faces? If you are a parent it should be your goal to prevent that look from ever appearing on your child’s face rather than giggling like a dumb ass waiting for it to happen.
I’m sure you have seen clips like these on youtube where some jerk, usually a parent, almost pisses their pants with excitement while waiting for some internet gag to scare the living shit out of some moon-faced kid who just wants to play a stupid maze game. What sadistic weirdness exists in the “brain” of a parent who gets pleasure from terrifying their child? I’m not talking about a simple BOO, these kids usually end up in tears. I want to see the follow up clips in a few years where the teen versions of these kids beat the shit out of their parents screaming “who’s in the maze now motherfucker?”
Mark this date dad, Feb 8th, 2006, it’s date your son started to fantasize about killing you in your sleep.
This guy can’t contain his excitement. You can see the exact moment this kid stopped loving his dad, right around the 00:17 mark.
Hey mom, how about spending a little more time cleaning the house and a little less time turning your kids into serial killers.
Corey really is a lucky kid, isn’t he? I realize this kid is old enough to laugh it off but I can’t believe how long his stupid mom waited for the scare. It looks like she was filming this kid for an hour before she got her chance to cackle her denim mom shorts off.
Seriously? Huh? Not possible! NOT POSSIBLE! Someone wake me from this nightmare!
Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?
