For the first time since I was in high school I have a TV in my bedroom. It is thanks to this TV that I have been exposed to Kelly Ripa and her parade of enthusiastic nonsense!
Regis Philbin is either retarded or the most patient human on the planet. I feel like you could stick that man in a garbage bag filled with mosquitoes and he would keep on smiling and telling stories about having lunch with Charles Nelson Reilly or whatever the hell he talks about.
Kelly Ripa is that horrible kind of woman who thinks, and knows, she is oh so adorable and no matter how fucking annoying she is people fall all over themselves to love her. She could stand up on that desk and explode diarrhea all over Regis while eating a kitten and the audience of sassy hairs would giggle and hoot like a bunch of mindless idiots. The worst thing is that if I ever met Kelly Ripa I would probably fall under her whore spell (3 whore references in 4 days!) like a zombie. I’m trying to convince myself otherwise, but I would probably smile and thank her for blasting shit all over my face too.
Why is Kelly Ripa constantly shooting poop on people?
Holy crap, God sure was busy killing his way through Hollywood this year. What is up that guy’s ass lately? You’d think the guy would just sit back, relax and count his blessings, but no, he feels the need to constantly kill the most important people on the planet… celebrities. His long list of trophy kills in 2009 includes:
– Famous white entertainer, Michael Jackson
– Famous big nipples, Farrah Fawcett
– Famous nerd and Dungeons & Dragons creator, Dave Arneson
– Famous Golden Girl and TV abortion getter, Bea Arthur
– Famous porn star and Ivory Soap box model, Marilyn Chambers
– Famous geriatric porn star Blue Iris (why does God hate porn so much?)
– Famous creepy guy, Ron Silver
– Famous creepy guy, David Carradine
– Famous creepy guy and man of 1,000 voices, Fred Travalena
– Famous creepy magician, Danny Gans (why not Criss Angel instead?)
– Famous Burt Reynolds punching bag, Dom Deluise
– Famous lover of teens (in a good way), John Hughes
– Famous inventor of the electric guitar, Les Paul
– Famous rubber band magnet, Captain Lou Albano
– Famous not placer of Baby in the corner, Patrick Swayze
– Famous horrible skier, Natasha Richardson
– Famous fantasy granter, Ricardo Montalban
– Famous Budweiser abuser, Ed McMahon
– Famous beard dyer, Billy Mays
– Famous two-time God victim, Adam Goldstein (DJ AM)
– Famous sexy loon, Brittany Murphy
– Famous White House pussy, Socks the cat.
Well God, are you proud of yourself? Thanks for ruining everything, you ruiner!
I hope everyone has a fantastic 2010 and escapes the cruel hand of our lord and savior.
When you were a child and your parents assured you there was no such thing as the boogeyman… they were wrong. There is a boogeyman and his name is Jaime Gomez or “Taboo Nawasha” or whatever the fuck.
What is up with this turd? Actually, what is up with the whole “band?” What am I missing with this group of misfit toys? Everyone seems to like, or at least tolerate, the Black Eyed Peas but I can’t find a single reason for this phenomenon. Especially with this creepy Medieval Times reject running around like a robot ninja all over the stage.
“Taboo” reminds me of an even more annoying version of the already incredibly annoying Anthony Kiedis. Wait, is it possible they are the same person? They both have that long, flowing hair by Herbal Essence. They both have that Cro-Mag face. They both love to wear gloves at inappropriate times. And the biggest giveaway is their mutual love of incessant karate chopping.
I think this is a conspiracy theory I can get behind.
I have wanted to write about Oprah for a long time but never had the energy. I felt like I needed to present some intelligent argument with facts and figures, but after I saw the the interview Oprah did with the woman (Charla Nash) who had her face torn off by a chimp, I realized she does not deserve my time. Oprah is no better than a common freak show carnival barker and she disgusts me.
There is ABSOLUTELY no reason a woman who was injured by an animal to be front page news and there is ABSOLUTELY no reason for Oprah to interview said person. Unless their fucking face was ripped off by a monkey and they are horribly deformed, right Oprah? If a woman was kicked in the back by a horse and lost the use of her legs but looked just as pretty as ever, would high and mighty Oprah fight to be the first to interview them? Of course not. What Oprah did with this woman was nothing more than exploitation and it was disgusting. What can be learned from this interview? Nothing. She just wanted to be the first to reveal that horribly disfigured face for ratings.
What really pisses me off is that she is no better than Maury Povich and his parade of horribleness yet she is looked upon as the second coming. In fact, people are more devoted and obedient to her than they are to Jesus.
Oprah’s exploitation of this poor woman is no different than some carnival barker showing off the Elephant Man to crowds of horrified people. She can speak in all the hushed tones she wants but there is no difference.
This is one of those subjects that I can’t believe even needs to be debated, and yet here we are. Actually, I don’t think there is a single “normal” person who would argue on the side of this rapist but that doesn’t seem to be an issue for a long list of Hollywood power players.
If you don’t know the story of Roman Polanski, here is a short version. In 1978, at age 43, Polanski takes a 13-year-old girl to Jack Nicholson’s house to photograph her nude. But wait, that’s the most innocent part of this fucked-up story. Creepy kiddie porn quickly became creepier when Polanski got the girl drunk, drugged her and raped her. Yeah, this motherfucker raped a 13-year-old girl IN HER ASS after drugging her. What an artist! This piece of shit fled to France where he has lived in exile ever since. That is until he made the mistake of traveling to Switzerland this year where he was finally arrested.
Yay, the child rapist has been arrested, let’s all breathe a sigh of relief and be happy justice will finally be served after all these years. That’s what a normal person thinks, but that’s not how Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen, Wes Anderson, Tilda Swinton, Jonathan Demme, John Landis and over 100 other Hollywood assholes think. They have all signed a petition demanding Polanski’s release based on his merits as a filmmaker. In their warped, self absorbed minds raping a child is no biggie as long as you are an award winning film director. How is this even up for debate?
There are people on that list, like Scorsese and Anderson, whom I USED to really admire, but I am going to have to seriously reconsider that admiration. Would these same people sign a petition for my release if I drugged and raped a 13 year old? I mean, I made a music video that was broadcast on Mtv in the 80s as part of Madonna’s “Make My Video” contest, shouldn’t that count for something?
I wonder how these assholes would feel if if that tiny garden gnome Polanski raped their daughters?
First of all, let’s put an end to the rumor that Megan Fox is SOOOOOO HOT! Megan Fox is pretty, at best. I honestly would not give her a second look if I saw her on the street. Well I might do a double take if I caught a glimpse of those fucking disgusting, stubby toe thumbs. To compare them to toes is actually an insult to toes. I am sorry toes. What the fuck is wrong with her thumbs? If I saw that hand making its way towards my boner I would immediately start making excuses about how I had to get up early because I’m going to prison for murder and I don’t want to be late on my first day.
Forget the thumbs for a second, which I understand is not easy to do, have you heard this dolt speak? She is shockingly dumb. If I were to compare her intelligence and charm to a popular band, I would have to say she is somewhere between The Insane Clown Posse and Creed. Oh, and she’s had sex with “David Silver!” I’m sorry, but any woman who would allow Brian Austin Green’s boner within 10 feet of her body is automatically an idiot.
I managed to use the word “boner” twice in one post. My work here is done, I quit.
You know why I hate these people? Because I am jealous. I am jealous that I am not evil enough to scam people out of their money by pretending to understand every thought their dirty ferret has swimming around in its pea-sized brain. I’m jealous that I am too embarrassed to actually sit there with your cat and tell you with a straight face that “Mittens occasionally has suicidal fantasies.”
I’m pretty sure if you could hear a dog’s thoughts it would sound something like this, “hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, food, duh, hi, hi, hi…”
I have had the pleasure(?) of watching Sonya Fitzpatrick, the turd in the above photo, give several readings in person. It’s a long story, but I was at an event for celebrities and their dogs a few years ago in Hollywood. Sonya Fitzpatrick was there spewing shit at an alarming rate while these idiots ate it up like hyper Boston Terriers sucking poo straight from the ass of a Golden Retriever. One after one these actors would stare wide-eyed at Sonya while she explained that Dodger “just hasn’t felt the same since the ice cream incident.” I glared at Sonya every time she was near me hoping she could hear my thoughts.
