You just made my list!

You can’t polish a turd but apparently you can take its picture.

God bless you for thinking some zitty kid at the mall can magically turn your nightmarish face into that of a mid-level 80s porn star. Don’t get me wrong, nothing turns me on like a woman with high hair in an acid washed jacket holding her collar with sausage fingers while giving me that “Do me on top of this cat calendar” look.

I just get so hot when I think about slowly removing your vinyl cropped motorcycle jacket from Walmart, ripping open your velcro fly jeans and making love to you on a pile of Star magazines while your Precious Moments figurines nervously watch the entire sweaty mess. I want to trace the curve (yes, the one curve) of your body with a jumbo Cheeto before placing it in your hungry mouth with my orange fingers. Finally, as we time our orgasms perfectly to verse 11 of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” I will pour a two-liter bottle of Mr. Peepers (your favorite generic Dr. Pepper) all over our naked bodies right there on the dirty floor of your trailer.

Gallery of sexy women holding their collars

Fuck you.

Chef Daniel Angerer wants you to know he’s cool and the only way he could think to convince you is to milk his wife like a cow and start churning titty milk into boob cheese. Keep your disgusting hooter cheese to yourself, you douche.

The female breast is meant to be soaked with icy water and judged in Mexican bars, not used as an Easy Cheese can. God made boobs so young girls have a way to acquire beads and T-shirts, he never intended them to be used as nacho cheese fountains.

On his blog, Angerer rambles on about some hippie bullshit and wanting to donate his wife’s excess milk to Haiti, but somehow that morphed into sweater cheese. This guy craves attention even more than I do!

Hey, who took a dump in my burrito?

Just when I thought it was impossible to make wraps suck any more, McDonald’s has decided to shove a Big Mac up my wrap hole. I’m picturing the people in charge of developing new “food” at McDonald’s slumped in their chairs and just sort of lazily tossing crap from the garbage onto a table and saying “Um, I don’t know, I guess I would eat it if I was forced to. Steve, what do you think? I’m too drunk to care.” What’s next? Big Mac milkshake? Just toss some chocolate chips on that sucker – BOOM – meat cookies!

I also really love it when food brags that it’s made from FOOD! Congratulations Big Mac, your beef is made from beef. Way to go Easy Cheese, you’re made from cheese. Honestly though, I think most Americans would be just as happy to eat a Big Mac if it advertised “Made with some meat.”

Ba da ba ba ba, I have violent diarrhea!

As I mentioned, I am in the middle of a huge project and until it’s done I’m pretty much not leaving my home office. I no longer sleep or shower and I’m working an average of 15 hours each day. I know, cry you a river.

A byproduct of this schedule is that I’m not really eating healthy. Actually, I’m not really eating. Look at this gem of a meal I “cooked” today. Are you getting hungry yet? NO, I didn’t scan this photo from a cookbook!

I had some nacho chips but none of the other necessary nacho ingredients but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. Way in the back of the fridge I found a 1/4 block of sharp cheddar. Sure, it was moldy but I was able to cut right around that shit and begin to construct my glorious nachos! Things were not looking good but I still had faith that when I pulled that plate out of the microwave somehow a beautiful plate of nachos would appear. Not unlike when Jesus broke a magic loaf of bread into enough pieces to feed 1,000 people! Is that how that story goes?

Well, unlike Jesus, I fucked up my magic meal. I accidentally left my ghetto nachos in the microwave for 2 minutes, turning my cheese into some form of orange lava rock. I ate them anyway.

I’M SORRY TO EVERYONE WHO THINKS THIS IS BORING! STOP READING BLOGS, THEY ARE ALL BORING!

Hey Pizza Hut, leave my pizza alone and stop forcing cheese into every hole you can find! And while you’re at it stop trying to convince me your “Tuscani Pastas” are going to fool me into thinking they don’t taste like ass.

Much like the toothbrush, pizza has been figured out and needs no further innovations. The only option Pizza Hut has left is to make the delivery box out of cheese because god knows Americans need more cheese for their fat cheese holes. I’m also kind of waiting for “The Extreme 180 Pizza” which would simply be a pizza delivered upside down. The commercial would feature skateboarding punks taking a break from thrashing and being rad to take “Pizza Hut’s Extreme 180 Pizza Challenge.” They would encourage each other by yelling things like “bitchin” or “hell yeah, eat the shit out of that mother fucker you mother fucker” or simply “FUCK!”

The Onion has a good idea for the Hut too.