You just made my list!

“Holy shit Linda, I think I’m having a heart attack!”

“What did you say Brad? I’m scrapbooking.”

“I said I’m having a fucking heart attack! You need to get me to the hospital!”

“Oh jeez, don’t panic, I saw a really cute commercial the other day for a hospital. The doctors looked so handsome and the girl doctors were Asian. What the heck was it called?”

“Just call 911 Linda!”

“Hold your horses mister, I think you would really like this place, it had a real cute entrance with a cute fountain and the doctors were walking in slow motion. It made them look very hip.”

“I think I just pissed my pants. LINDA!”

“Maybe that dang commercial is on the DVR, I think I saw it during Ellen. Oh, that reminds me, I saved it for you because that sports fella you like was on.”

“Heart…attack…FUCK…THE…DVR!”

“That’s some way to talk! Fine let me check Yelp. Ooooooh, this one gets 4.5 stars! Dave_matthews_1_fan says it has the best vending machines! Brad, does that sound good?”

“Heart…ex…..ex………..exploding.”

“Shoot, sandwich_lover gives it 1 star and says ‘don’t waste your time, I’ve been to better hospitals.‘ Brad what do you think? I wish I could remember what hospital that commercial was for. It was black and white. Brad? BRAD? IT WAS BLACK AND WHITE.”

“dying.”

“OK, keep your pants on. Let me just update my Facebook status real quick and we can be on our way to that vending machine hospital… ‘Leftover pizza, sweat pants, Legos EVERYWHERE and late night trip to the hospital… just another crazy day for the Smithporks!’”

“Take me lord, I am ready.”

“Found it Brad! Honey? Crawl into the living room, I wanna show you.”

What do you do if your child is afraid to go to the doctor for a flu shot? Obviously your only option is to allow a doctor to sneak into their room while they sleep and stab them with a needle. Sure, they will never know the joy of a good night’s sleep ever again after you make their nightmares a reality, and they will most likely attempt to bury the dark memory of waking to a strange doctor in their bedroom jabbing them with a needle by getting deep into medical fetish sex as an adult, but hey… NO FLU!

This actually exists! On Earth! For less than $100 you can betray the trust of your sleeping child in his or her own bed. You think your kid was scared of the dark before? Just wait until he wakes up to find a creepy old man hunched over him with a hypodermic needle. You will be cleaning poop out of those Elmo jammies for months.

Why stop with flu shots? Hire the Shamwow guy to sneak in at night and yell math equations in your kid’s face. Maybe little Timmy will be quarterback one day if you start chucking footballs at him while he sleeps.

Middle of the night flu shot by The Shot Fairy… $80.
Turning your child in to a serial killer at age 5… Priceless.

As a self-employed person, I pay every month for health insurance. I pay a lot for health insurance and over the years have spent tens of thousands of dollars on it. I also happen to be a very healthy person, knock on wood, so I rarely go to the doctor. I’m not a person who takes advantage of “the system” and I’m not looking for a handout. All I ask is that my insurance is there for me when I need it.

Well guess what insurance? FUCK YOU you fucking FUCK BALL! Today I went to the doctor for a very valid reason, nothing serious but still something that needed to be taken care of. As part of my treatment, I was given a prescription. While driving to the drugstore I was excited because I was just a few minutes away from my magical elixir. I asked the pretend doctor behind the pharmacy counter to tell me how much the medicine would cost. I just about shit all the way to the candy aisle when he told me a month’s worth would run me a mere $600! OK calm down, I’ve got that magic insurance card that I pay for every month and never use, surely I would be paying around $50. Turns out, my insurance is about as useful as having Flavor Flav as a father. With my DISCOUNT, the prescription would cost me… drum roll… $580. Way to go, health insurance!

So even though I have health insurance, my ailment will go untreated, because I cannot afford the $3,500 needed for the necessary amount of medicine. It literally turns my stomach to think about it. Sadly, our government is too busy fighting over whose party is more awesome to ever solve this, or any, problem. While they act like a bunch of toddlers arguing on the playground, the average American gets fucked. It’s shameful.

Then you have these fearful, douchebag idiots who think providing health care for EVERY American is somehow akin to socialism. I would love to ask these people to even give me the definition of socialism. “Duh, it’s like Hitler and Iraq.”

When I think about how little we accomplish in this country due to all this back-and-forth fighting about bullshit, I’m embarrassed for us. We used to be leaders and innovators but now we can’t get anything done. Everyone suffers, except of course, our elected officials and the drug companies. It is truly shameful.

I’m not dumb, I understand WHY people were initially fascinated by the Octo-mom but can’t we move on to the next freak now?

Weeks ago I thought about writing something about this weirdo but it’s too obvious. How could I possibly add a fresh perspective to the subject? This human clown car* is obviously sick and any reasonable person should be able to acknowledge that and move on. So why the hell do I have to see her Angelina-Jolie-post -flaming-car-accident face every time I turn on the TV?

Don’t try to blame the media either. If they were not getting ratings from the subject they would drop the story faster than Octo-mom drops babies out of her skirt. ZING!

I know most people can’t look away from a car wreck like this but I really think they should. At best, give it a quick glance but then fight the urge to stare. I’m honestly not trying to be holier than thou but I have a real problem with people who are entertained by others’ misery (unless it’s someone getting hit in the nuts.) I feel like everyone’s fascination with this woman and her soon-to-be-fucked up kids is like watching a cock fight.

I’m pretty sure I will win some sort of major literary (I just misspelled literary) award for this post.

*I totally stole that from someone. Shut up.

Seriously? Is this show still on?

Every week I see commercials for ER that claim the next episode is a “can’t-miss event.” It seems to me whatever hospital these guys work at is the least safe hospital in the world. Every week there’s a guy with a gun mowing people down or a helicopter crashing through the roof. You’re there for a simple tummy ache and the next thing you know your alcoholic doctor is screwing the nurse and a runaway truck is driving through your room.

Why can’t ER be more like People’s Court and be awesome? Is that too much to ask?