Tag Archive 'homes'

Feb 17 2011

Bedroom “sitting areas” and window reading nooks!

bedroom sitting are, window reading nooks

Yeah, you’re going to sit in that window and read a book.

In the history of window nooks there have been exactly 3 people who have used them to relax with a good book. I also saw a study on these so-called “sitting areas” that said, and I quote, “It is our finding that no evidence exists to support the claim that any bedroom sitting area has ever been used for actual sitting. We are only able to find examples of sitting areas being used for laundry storage, the putting on of socks and several incidents of kinky birthday sex.”

Give up the dream people, we are Americans and we don’t know how to read words on paper anymore. We don’t need to continue this silly charade! Nobody really wants to curl up with a book and a cup of tea in their window. Try a 2-liter of X-treme Nitro-Nacho Mountain Dew and 4 hours of Farmville on Facebook while sitting in front of the TV.

God bless us.

16 responses so far

Sep 14 2010

Vertical blinds!

ugly vertical blinds

Unless you make a living shooting 80s porn in your home or hope to one day rent your house out to Chris Hansen’s cock-block-a-thon “To Catch A Predator” series, I would suggest avoiding vertical blinds. They only lead to bad things.

Sure, passing through vertical blinds is like walking inside a giant tickley mustache, and who doesn’t love that? And yes, it’s really awesome the way they gently knock everything off your plate as you attempt to navigate your way through them at your family reunion, but is that enough? IS IT?

Vertical blinds are like elderly security guards, they sort of get the job done but ultimately just end up making everyone sad who has to be in their presence.

17 responses so far

Aug 12 2009

Sponge painting!

bad sponge painting

Boredom + white women + sponge = sponge painting!

I was going to write this long, super hilarious rant about sponge painting and how it looks like a cartoon character has wiped its shitty ass all over your walls, but then I realized I was lazy. Actually, the truth is that while searching for sponge painting photos I discovered the site uglyhousephotos.com and spent WAY too much time on it. The end result is that I have run out of time to write AND I literally feel nauseous from looking at these disgusting houses. I need to cry for a while.

I suck but you probably suck too, so we are even.

8 responses so far

Jun 08 2009

Beds with too many bullshit pillows!

too many bed pillows

This is my biggest nightmare.

I am not a fan of fussy interior design, especially when it is taken to such an extreme. What kind of a psychotic maniac wants to spend 45 minutes every night excavating through a pile of pillows like some earthquake rescue worker? Oh and guess what, you get to spend most of your morning replacing these functionless pillows in just the right order while the rest of us normal people sleep in until the last possible second before work.

These pillow people are obviously unstable and could snap at any moment. Move one pillow out of order and you’ve got another Jeffrey Dahmer on your ass. Yeah, that’s right, these horrible pillow people are worse than Osama Bin Laden!

9 responses so far

Mar 09 2009

Cookie-cutter tract houses in the middle of nowhere!

Published by under Jerks

ugly cookie-cutter tract houses

If you have ever traveled by car through the Midwest, or “the belly of the beast” as I call it, you will know exactly what I am talking about. By the way, I have literally never called the Midwest “the belly of the beast” and I have no idea why I wrote that.

Anyway, as you drive through the flat middle of America there are a few things you are guaranteed to see… billboards for Jesus, adult bookstores, fireworks stores all claiming to be the world’s largest and/or craziest, J.B. Hunt trucks and inexplicable clusters of generic housing developments in the middle of corn fields.

Let me be clear, I am not criticizing the people who live in these homes. If this is their American dream then great, I am almost happy for them. I’m just saying that when I see these cookie-cutter, soulless houses huddling together like frightened bunnies with nothing more than a single tiny tree to shelter them from the whipping winds a wave of depression washes over me. I’m not kidding, these communities are my idea of hell on earth. HELL ON EARTH!

If you are wondering why this isn’t very funny or interesting it’s because I’m super tired from my drive home today and I just woke up from a nap. I hate naps. I always feel worse after a nap. You hear that naps, I think you just made my list too!

14 responses so far