Tag Archive 'lost'

Sep 28 2010

The Event!

the event secret clues

Speaking of Lost…
ARE-YOU-FUCKING-KIDDING-ME-WITH-THIS-BULLSHIT?

What the fuck is wrong with me? Let me count the ways… I hated the show Lost, watched it for 7 years, was so angry at the show’s finale I almost killed myself for wasting countless hours watching time-traveling douchebags get chased in the jungle by smoke, and yet SOMEHOW I decided I should give NBC’s “The Event” a try because it was supposed to be the next Lost. I am the biggest asshole that has ever lived. I honestly hate myself.

As the opening credits rolled on the pilot episode last week, I thought to myself, “Listy (I now call myself “Listy” in my thoughts) what are you doing to yourself?” But then I was like, “Shut up Listy, this time it will be different!” Then I put myself in a headlock and gave myself playful noogies until I cried out “UNCLE” and peed my pants.

Little did I know how bad it was about to get. To make a long story short, The Event is about… drum roll… wait for it… OMG… A DISAPPEARING COMMERCIAL AIRPLANE!

Ha ha ha NBC and ABC, I’m slow clapping because I now realize you have joined forces with the sole purpose of making me so crazy that I jump off the roof of the nearest Taco Bell. I mean how else do you explain the fact that the show that is supposed to be the next Lost, a show about a disappearing commercial airplane, just happens to be about a disappearing airplane?!? Fuck me.

I’ll jump, I’ll do it!

27 responses so far

Sep 27 2010

The Weezer “Hurley” album!

Weezer Hurley album cover

Really?

I’ve got to hand it to Weezer for finding a perfect way to illustrate how thoroughly bland and desperate their music has become, a photo of “Hurley” from everyone’s favorite island of mystical bullshit, Lost.  I guess in many ways listening to a new Weezer album is just like watching Lost… you sit there confused for an hour wondering what kind of nerds wrote this shit and when it’s all over you wonder why you keep coming back to the teat for more, like the big dumb asshole you are.

When asked about their decision to use a photo of actor Jorge Garcia on the cover of their latest album, Weezer had this to say, “Blah blah blah, ironic, Star Wars, shyness, windbreakers.”

What the fuck happened? Weezer used to rule. Sure, it was way back when Clinton was still jizzing all over the White House, but still those first couple albums are classics.

In case you were wondering, the songs on “Hurley” suck gorilla taint.

18 responses so far

May 23 2010

Lost!

Published by under Sucky TV

lost series finale secrets

Spoiler alert… Lost can suck my dick!

I just wasted six years of my life on smoke monsters, polar bears, “freckles,” punches to the face, slave ships, numbers, button pushing, hatches, people who see dead people, plane crashes, helicopter crashes, car crashes, spinal injuries, hot Australian girls who become less hot as time goes on, a giant foot, the fucking Dharma Initiative, Walt, temples, electromagnetism, disappearing islands, Tunisia, terrorists with puppy dog eyes, endless walking through the jungle, men who never shave but don’t grow beards, an excessive use of the word “dude,” Driveshaft concerts, skeletons, mercenaries, machine guns, Koreans who learn to speak English in two weeks, sex in cages, time travel, hydrogen bombs, a good guy in white, a bad guy in black and a motherfucking golden cave? And for what? What did it all mean? NOTHING! Absolutely nothing!

Just as I always suspected, the writers of Lost had no clue what was going on and never had a plan to connect any of their mystical dots. If I tried to list all the unanswered questions, plot holes and missing characters I would be here all night. FUCK YOU LOST, YOU OWE ME 6 YEARS!

I never even enjoyed watching the show, I accidentally started watching and only stuck with it because I wanted answers. I was just curious. Well, curiosity killed the cat and threw it into a magic cave until it turned into a smoke monster, whatever the hell that means!

Fuck you Lost, fuck you.

21 responses so far

Apr 03 2009

Time travel!

back to the future

Am I the only idiot who is still watching Lost? I’ve never really liked the show but now I have to see it through to the end. I just want answers God damn it! This season they are taking me to the edge of insanity with the addition of time travel. Fuck me. I guarantee, those jerk writers added time travel to the mix because it allows them to do anything they want. They can get out of all the corners they backed themselves into by simply letting time travel explain it away.

My slow noodle is about to explode from all this jumping back and forth through time. Just tell me what the fucking smoke monster is and why there are polar bears and pirate ships on this piece of shit island already! Is it heaven? Is John Locke Jesus? Is this whole show taking place in Hurley’s fat head? WHAT DO THE NUMBERS MEAN?

Here’s the deal, time travel never works in any TV show or movie. There are simply too many holes and complications to make it plausible in any plot. I mean right now on Lost we have to accept that there is a child Ben and an adult Ben walking around at the same time for Christ’s sake. Don’t even get me started on the disappearing photo in Back to the Future!

On a side note: I just overheard a commercial for the new “Fast and Furious” movie and they quoted the following review… “The best of all the Fast and Furious movies.” That’s like saying “The best tasting bucket of vomit.” I wish I had a time machine so I could go back 45 seconds and change the channel. Or maybe I could go back to 2001. Not to stop 9/11 but to kill everyone responsible for The Fast and The furious. FINE, I’ll kill Osama Bin Laden too. I’m so nice.

Time to drink myself to sleep!

20 responses so far

Jan 26 2009

ABC’s Lost and me for watching it!

ben linus lost

Originally I was just going to write about one thing I hate about ABC’s hit show “Lost” but I fell into a minor rage spiral and now I have to mention a few things that make me crazy about this show. Here are the top 5 things that piss me off about Lost…

1) Ben Linus and his inability to blink.
You may recognize actor Michael Emerson who plays Benjamin Linus from nothing. You might also recognize that he suffers from “Hannibal Lecter Syndrome” which prevents an actor from blinking while in the process of over-acting. HLS usually strikes actors playing bad guys but it can affect anyone. Andrew McCarthy suffered from HLS during most of the 80’s, ultimately ending his career.

2) All the men on the island and their inability to grow beards.
No matter how long these hunky hunks are stuck on this stupid magical island they lack the ability to grow more than 3 days’ worth of stubble. I don’t care if it’s only a TV show, I want BEARDS!

3) Jack’s inability to not breathe heavily.
For those of you smart enough to avoid this show, Jack Shephard is our hero and he’s played by non-beard-growing Matthew Fox. Whether he’s climbing a steep hill or picking up a coconut Jack is out of breath. You see, by sucking wind like a marathon runner an actor is able to communicate just how good he is at acting. The more intense the breathing, the better the acting. It’s simple science.

4) Everyone’s inability to not be able to not make a torch.
How are these jerks making torches? What is their source of fuel? Fuck you and your perfect torches!

5) Me and my inability to stop watching.
Why do I watch every week? Why do I allow these writers to force me to watch season after no-beard season when I am certain they have no idea how to answer all the questions raised by their own story? I hate myself.

33 responses so far

Dec 18 2008

Thinking I lost my wallet!

Published by under Why?!?

Nothing fills me with panic quicker than not being able to find my wallet. Fear immediately overtakes me after I check all the usual wallet resting places in my home and find nothing but dust outlines of where my wallet once was. I begin to catalog everything in my wallet and fantasize about the fat turd who probably found it on the sidewalk and is currently charging porn to my credit cards. Worse than losing my credit cards is losing my collection of dumb fortune cookie fortunes that has grown over the years. Where will I turn when when I need to be reminded that I “love the nightlife” without those fortunes?

For the record, I always find my wallet eventually and have never really lost one but those 10 or 15 minutes when you think it’s gone forever is the worst feeling in the world.

16 responses so far