Tag Archive 'malls'

Jul 27 2010

The Cajun Asian conspiracy!

cajun or asian food court

People, we have lived in the dark long enough. It is time for us to rise up, cast off our blinders and ask the difficult questions. What the fuck is the difference between the Cajun restaurant and the Asian restaurant at your local mall food court?

Are we really so gullible that a simple name change can influence our taste buds so easily? Stop by “Wok and Roll” and order the glazed chicken with rice and tell me it’s any different the bourbon chicken with rice at “Ben Yay’s Cajun Shack.” The wool is firmly over our eyes and that wool is soaked in glazed meat! They are serving the exact same menu, WAKE UP YOU IDIOTS!

And while you’re at it Casian restaurant workers, can you please stop forcing glazed meat on a toothpick in my face while I walk by on my way to “The Great Potato Catastrophe?” I don’t want your ethnically ambiguous mystery meat jabbed into my eyes if it’s OK with you.

15 responses so far

Jun 08 2010

Segways!

segway fail

Finally, a way to end that nightmare known as walking.

Remember when this shit was first introduced to the world? It was supposed to “revolutionize” EVERYTHING and soon we would all be trading in our Adidas for robot feet. All they revolutionized was the ability of mall cops to become even more round… round and fast, like boulders. Thank God Segways cost approximately 50 million dollars because I don’t want to imagine what this country would look like if we found a way to be even less active.

A Segway makes a recumbent bike look like a Harley strapped to an angry mastodon that shoots Motörhead songs and kegs of beer out of its hairy butthole.

The first step to riding a Segway is to fight the urge to over-correct and over-react. The second step is to keep your hands on the handlebars even though you will feel your penis and balls shriveling up and falling off. You will want to reach down and try to save them but forget about it Dennis, they’re gone and there’s nothing you can do about it. Just enjoy the rest of your “walking” tour of St. Louis, you will have plenty of time to get used to your new vagina when the ride is over.

Hey, want to see George Bush fall off a Segway? There’s no punchline… here you go.

14 responses so far

May 05 2010

People who use the massage chairs at the mall!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

Massage chair at the mall

Can’t I just walk to Old Navy and return these cargo pants in peace without seeing your fat lazy ass getting molested by a robot in front of Cinnabon?

I don’t need to see you on the brink of an orgasm while you sit there getting a happy ending from a La-Z-Boy in your Everybody Loves Raymond T-shirt. And for the love of God, can you PLEASE put your shoes (Crocs) back on? Your dirty Frito toenails are ruining my appetite for Sbarro.

Is this “massage” a wise investment? Can you really relax while basking in the glow of The Cell Phone Zone? Luckily, you won’t need massage oil because the sweat of every Insane Clown Posse fan who preceded you keeps your little robot chair nice and lubed.

Congratulations, you found a way to make shopping malls even more horrible.

29 responses so far

Nov 24 2009

Buying cool shirts at Hot Topic!

Published by under Why?!?

hot topic band t-shirts

Yeah that’s right, while strolling through the mall I have not only stepped inside this douche hole, I have PURCHASED a T-shirt there! In fact, I have purchased 3 shirts from Hot Topic and the shame makes me want to set myself on fire.

Occasionally while stopped at red lights in the city I see older “dad” looking guys walking into what is clearly a handjob massage parlor and it is obvious how desperately they don’t want to be seen by anyone, even strangers. They walk quickly, keep their heads down and try to hide behind the collar of their golf jackets. They are willing to suffer through this awkward walk because they want that happy ending! This is exactly how I feel as I quickly duck into the mall’s most shameful teen asshole store. I try to make it look like I accidentally tripped and fell into the store or the wind pushed me in. I’m sorry but I want that God damn Judas Priest shirt, I want my happy ending!

It’s not my fault they have a handful of kickass shirts sprinkled among the other bullshit shitty shit they sell. The problem though is that when I wear one of my Hot Topic purchases I live in fear that someone will know where I got it. I remember seeing a guy wearing the same Johnny Cash T-shirt I purchased at the Topic and I thought “That guy is a dork, he shops at Hot Topic. Oh wait, so do I.” Must be the same when a guy walking into the massage parlor passes a customer on his way out. A simple nod is exchanged that says, “We failed.”

14 responses so far

Nov 03 2009

Mall Cops: Mall of America!

Mall Cops: Mall of America

While the rest of you jerks were out having fun this Halloween weekend I was in bed for 2 days straight with some mystery illness that will most likely kill me by Thursday. One of the many perks to being sick is watching things on TV that would normally have you diving for the remote. When the new TLC program “Mall Cops: Mall of America” soiled itself all over my TV screen, it was almost like one of those nightmares where a psycho killer is approaching with a huge knife but you stand there paralyzed, unable to move. I felt like James Caan in Misery and these mall cops were my own personal Kathy Bates whacking me across the shins with their incredibly boring existence.

As you might have deduced from the title, Mall Cops: Mall of America follows mall security guards as they patrol the gritty, mean streets of the largest mall in America. Now, try to imagine how boring that sounds. Got it? Now, take your prediction and make it 100 times more boring and you are almost there.

What I am about to write is real. I did not make any of this up, this is what really happened in the one hour program…

– Some teen star named Demi Lovato is going to sign autographs but not every fan could get a wristband. This causes many prepubescent tears.

– An approaching storm might cause the autograph signing to be canceled. Why? Because lightning might be able to come inside the mall? Huh?

– A mall cop needs to check the badges of some construction workers. They all have badges. Carry on.

– A call for medical assistance rings out over the radio! A mall cop rushes through the mall with a lifesaving kit! The victim is a 6-year-old with a tiny scrape on his leg. She gives him two Band-aids because “sometimes kids like two Band-aids.”

– Storm approaching! Where’s Demi? Girls crying! Mothers bitching and whining!

– The manager of an ice cream store has an expired badge. He was warned about this before, so out he goes. The fate of the ice cream is unknown.

– An old lady cries because she can’t find her car. Bicycle mall cops find it for her.

– A creepy couple gets married at the Mall of America wedding chapel. The bride and groom want to ride the log flume. The mall cops are worried her long dress could be dangerous on the ride. They ride the logs without incident.

– The storm clears and 17-year-old Demi Lovato arrives looking like a 29-year-old prostitute. She signs autographs without incident.

– A mall cop finds a lost baby sock and immediately goes on patrol searching for a baby wearing only one sock. Sadly, the tiny sock is never reunited with its family.

I’m going back to bed.

13 responses so far

Mar 23 2009

Mall cop movies!

paul blart mal cop

observe and report

I believe it was the wise and insightful George W. Bush who said “Fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me…………… you can’t get fooled again.” Like most everything George Bush said, I totally agree!

I made the mistake of seeing “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” a few weeks ago. You could say it was my own personal 9/11. It was definitely a tragedy and I immediately made ribbon magnets for my car that say “Paul Blart: Mal Cop – Never Forget.”

Imagine how difficult it was for me to see a trailer for “Observe and Report,” the new mall cop movie starring Seth Rogen. I was still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after Blart and simply was not mentally prepared for another catastrophe.

The most confusing thing about these dueling mall movies is that the female lead of each movie is NOT the same actress! Kevin James’ love interest in Blart is Jayma Mays, who looks exactly like Seth Rogen’s love interest in Observe, Anna Faris. In fact, until I did a little research, I was sure both movies starred the same girl.

Is this the beginning of same strange Twilight Zone scenario where eventually every movie is about a fat mall cop who falls in love with a blonde mall employee? It already seems like Seth Rogen is in every new movie. Is Seth Rogen taking over the planet? Is he an alien lusting after human blood? I’ve got you figured out Rogen, and like George W. Bush said “I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe… I believe what I believe is right.”

17 responses so far