You just made my list!

I was in the middle of writing a brilliant piece about something important when I noticed a technical problem taking a pee pee all over me. It’s boring and lame and stupid and annoying and the end result is no post today.

At least I can give you this video which proves the existence of God.

I share my toys and I also share signs my parents make me hold.

I’m writing this on my brand new computer! When a friend brought “Kidical Mass” to my attention this morning I was so filled with rage I literally ate my old computer. Yeah, I ATE a 27″ iMac!

I realize I just wrote about bike hipsters a couple days ago and have already taken a shit on “Critical Mass” but this is child abuse and it must be stopped. These poor kids are being turned into bearded hipsters and Bon Iver fans without their knowledge. It reminds me of the children of KKK members. Yeah, that’s right, Kidical Mass is exactly the same as the Ku Klux Klan!

Apparently this nonsense is designed to raise awareness about bike safety or something. Here’s an idea, keep your kids OUT OF THE ROAD! The road is for cars, not toddlers with poopies in their pants, struggling to stay upright on a SpongeBob bike. The last thing I need is some mini-hipster scratching my SUV when I’m trying to watch YouTube on my iPhone while driving.

Here’s the deal… If this is just supposed to be some fun family activity don’t name it after such a jackass event. Call it “Family Fun Bike Time Festival of Fun and Bikes!” Everyone (yes EVERYONE) hates Critical Mass except the hipster douchebags who participate in it, so associating your kid with such a bunch of misguided bullshit is lame. Just stay home and listen to Neutral Milk Hotel* as a family.

I will sit back and await my Nobel Peace Prize.

*For the record, I love Neutral Milk Hotel

Want to know what every hipster in Chicago looks like? I mean do you want to know EXACTLY what EVERY hipster in Chicago looks like? Then simply gaze upon this cookie-cutter douchebag. You will have to imagine the body odor but just think of what it might smell like if a dog barfed onions all over a homeless man’s pubes on a 95-degree day.

Look, I get it, people like to be around other people with similar interests but does everyone have to be wrapped in the exact same uniform? Especially when your clique is supposed to be all about individualism and counter-culture blah blah blah.

It used to be that all the “cool” people played in bands but for some reason, in the blink of an eye, everyone ditched their guitars and started pretending to be “Dave” from Breaking Away. I miss the days when hipsters pretended to be working-class British factory workers!

This is a case where I almost feel a little guilty and start to wonder why so many things bug me. But who cares, I just hate people who took the time to learn how to unicycle. It’s such a “look at me, pay attention to me” kind of thing to do (unlike blogging). It’s bad enough when someone rides a normal unicycle but then there are those turds who ride the super tall unicycles. They are the worst people in the world. The only thing that could make the unicycle scene worse would be if they held their own critical mass and rode around in traffic juggling and looking smug.

I have nothing against people riding bikes (except these cock holes) and I have nothing against trying to burn less gas by riding a bike BUT if you have ever been hijacked by these assholes you can understand my anger.

If you don’t know what “Critical Mass” is consider yourself lucky. The last Friday night of every month hundreds of bikers gather and ride through urban areas causing traffic jams with smirks on their ironically mustached faces. They ride in a large group and take great joy in holding up traffic by stopping in busy intersections and riding around in circles. In general it’s a parade of assholes that pisses everyone off.

It’s the typical, misguided, hippie theory of protesting. Make sure EVERYONE hates you at all times!

“Hey dudes, like we should teach everyone about how awesome bikes are. I was thinking we could like hold up traffic and make everyone hate the sight of a bicycle and like show people how much gas cars waste by making them waste more gas while we block their yuppie asses. It will be totally sweet and create even more pollution. Now, where’s my mustache wax?”

Can you tell I was just trapped by these douchebags on Friday? Idiots.

You know how I know there is no God? Every time I see a dirty hippy on their tall bike I pray to God and baby Jesus they will fall. I don’t want them to get hurt (maybe a little) but I do desperately want them to tip over. This is the only thing I ever pray for and when I’m praying for it I’m praying hard. Here’s God’s chance to prove his existence but nothing ever happens. I’ll tell you this, if God is on the side of the tall bikers I don’t want any part of his lame ass.

Does your city have these assholes? Here’s an idea, spend a little more time in the shower and a little less time forcing two bikes to fuck each other for all of eternity. You already have a hilarious, ironic mustache, guy, how much more attention do you need? Are you really that desperate to be noticed? Is it because nobody ever goes to your drum circle even though you put like a million flyers up all over the place? These urban clowns are like the smelly, poor version of these jerks. “Look at me all the way up here. Love me. Think I’m different. Me and all these other tall bike guys are different, right?” These guys are really stickin’ it to the man with their outrageously tall bikes, if the man is a normal human being who showers more than once a month.

In summation, fuck off and quit hoggin’ all the bikes!