You just made my list!

I'm back from vacation and ready to complain so let's get started! Imagine that it is early morning and you find yourself in line at an airport McDonalds. It is a slow moving line but one that offers a good view of the 5 things available on the menu. You don't even bother glancing at the board though because even though you only eat at McDonalds 4 times a year you have their fart-inducing menu memorized. You probably even know the number of the meal deal you want. It's all so easy and soon you will be pooping your McDonalds in a Mexican toilet. Life is good. Now imagine standing in line behind some creepy guy on his way to a creepy Christian camp who is holding a creepy dirty pillow covered in his creepy head filth. Although the sight of this pillow is almost enough to make you second guess breakfast you stick with it because you have a 4 hour long flight to Mexico in a couple minutes. You are FINALLY the second person in line and only have to wait for shit pillow to order and move on. Surely pillow man will say something like "I'll have a #4 with a medium orange juice" and be on his way to the most funnest Christian camp in the world! What happens next baffles you though. When dirty pillow is ready to order he says, "um, do you have donuts?" Donuts? McDonuts? When told no he says, "Really, no donuts? Um, how about rolls? Bagels?" ROLLS? DONUTS? I hate everyone who isn't me.

We've all been to Bed Bath & Beyond and marveled at their wall of shitty mass-produced art. Most of us (I hope all of you) make the correct decision to keep walking straight out the door with our bags filled with water filters, shower radios, margarita stations, candles and various unneeded "As Seen on TV" items. Believe it or not, there are people who stop at the giant wall of crap and think, "I wonder if that painting of the word 'dream' would fit over our bed?" Holy shit, look at this photo I took today. I don't want to live in a world with people who see framed plates and don't have the instinct to smash them with a baseball bat. The words "mass-produced" and "art" should never be near each other. OK smart ass, go ahead and lecture me about Andy Warhol or popular music. Get it out of your system (I looking at you Jeff). This is different and you know it. Believe it or not there is something even worse than the Bed Bath & Beyond "art" gallery. When I see the crap, hipster, bullshit "art" that Urban Outfitters sells I want to pick up the nearest pair of $100 purposely-ripped jeans and hang myself. It turns my stomach. Is there anything less hip than plastering your walls with the same piece of shit silk screened monster truck that the rest of your dipshit hipster friends have? People who are lucky enough to have visited my home may question my choice in art but if anything it's the exact opposite of mass-produced. It's not easy being so right all the time but I manage.

Seriously, look how dark this stupid green highlighter is! What kind of a cocky son of a bitch do you have to be to think you are more important than the words you are meant to highlight? What the fuck highlighter, who do you think you are?

Today while waiting in line at a local eatery I felt a creepy presence behind me and I knew, without even turning around, my personal space had been entered. He entered my little personal universe and ruined it! By the way, I love the word eatery, I like that it turns a verb into a noun. I'm going to start referring to all places like that from now on - i.e. the bathroom will now be known as "the poopery." Sorry. The worst part about this space invader is that at the time I was checking my email on my phone and this turd was literally only a foot behind me and possibly looking over my shoulder. I stepped forward but he followed as if we were attached by an invisible creepy rope. I closed my email, opened up the little iPhone notepad and wrote "people who violate my personal space." I hope he read it.

It is not going to be easy getting through this without vomiting. I hate hippies. Everyone hates hippies. The only thing worse than a hippie is a hippie with dreadlocks. Ew, a little barf just came up. By definition dreads are disgusting. They are born from neglect and filth (on white people). HOWEVER, somehow it works on real Rasta dudes. BLACK Rasta dudes! It's an entirely different story when Brad from Cinnabon lets his disgusting hair brush against your cinnamon roll. Sure, Brad loves Sublime and owns Bob Marley's Greatest Hits on CD and MP3 but he's hardly "jammin." Now get me another cinnamon roll you smelly hippie and this time keep that shitty hair of yours out of my delicious icing! You know what Brad, forget it, I don't even want a cinnamon roll anymore, in fact I may never eat again. Ironically, these white dirt bags attempt to give off this "hey man whatever" vibe when in reality they are thinking, "hey man look at me, I'm cool, I'm different, do you think I'm cool, I'm in your face, me me me love me." If my kid ever tried to pull this shit I would ship him off to Jamaica to live in a tenement yard in Trenchtown.

Unfortunately my friend sent me a link to these "Talking Head Tables" yesterday and now I'm pretty sure our friendship is over. I don't want to live in a world where this exists. I'm not kidding, one of us has to go. It's me or the guy who makes his living dressed as a pile of shit. I quit.

Standing still on a street corner is not a job so please stop giving these people a paycheck (AKA change in their buckets). It doesn't matter if they are posing as a Roman statue or a silver robot, fight the urge to gawk with your tongue out at these lifeless turds. Are we really so easily amused that watching a person stand is entertainment? Entertainment that deserves payment?!? These people are the worst human beings on the planet. I would rather have 8 more years of George Bush than see another asshole painted white just standing there seeking praise as if they actually hand-chiseled a statue. Hey out of work actor, you didn't do shit so stop pointing to your bucket with your robot finger. I take it back, there is one group of humans worse than these buttholes and they are the tourists who stand there staring and grinning like a dog about to go for a ride in the car. They practically orgasm when the frozen robot man decides to finally move his arm in a roboty way. They take photos and investigate closely because "dang it Brenda, don't he look real?" I wish I was a pigeon so I could add one more layer of realism to their little statue game.

I was trying to find a way to make this funny but when I think back to the last 8 years I find very little to laugh about in the world of American politics. Well, maybe Sarah Palin, man was she hilarious! So I will simply say to George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and all their toadies... FUCK OFF! I hope we never see your faces again.