Honestly I have had a little too much to drink and the last thing I feel like doing is writing about these douchebags but I just HAD to start a blog didn’t I? There is a good chance this will be brief and incoherent.
First of all, if any of you think I’m being racist or attacking hip hop culture please understand I hate all of these people whether they be white, black, hip hop, emo, goth or simply fat and lazy. I don’t care who you are, I don’t need to see your soiled underwear as you attempt to walk around the mall in your over-sized baggy pants around your ankles. You look like a fucking IDIOT holding your crotch in an attempt to… in an attempt to what? I really don’t know. I just know that you suck and your pants suck and your crotch sucks and you look like a nerd who just got pantsed by the varsity quarterback.
Why do I have to be the smartest person in the world with the greatest opinions ever? It’s a burden to tell you the truth. Having this much knowledge and taste is difficult when there are so my dip shits surrounding me in their huge pants. Why? Why Am I so great when everyone else is so dumb? Can there be a bright future for this planet when adults are willing to walk around with their pants around their ankles?
I miss the good old days when rappers wore these pants.
I will also forgive this.
Why is John McCain calling me his friend? I’m not your friend. You never once sent me a birthday card or even called. YOU COULD HAVE CALLED, my friend!
More importantly, who is the attractive young lady in this photo? I hope she’s not like 15 years old. If you know her feel free to send me her email address. Thanks my friend!
It is such a simple concept. When you are in a left turn lane and the light is green, pull your stupid car into the intersection so you AND the car behind you can turn left when the light turns red.
I feel comfortable saying that people who refuse to do this are the worst people in the world. They are monsters. They are worse than child molesters. They are essentially terrorists who terrorize our nation by giving awesome drivers like me small rage-induced strokes several times a day.
It’s pointless to give these turds a friendly honk because it will only confuse their already overworked brains. All you can do is make sad, pleading faces and mouth the word “PLEASE” in hopes they will look in their rear view mirror and realize what a horrible person they are.
If you are one of these people please slap yourself and leave a written apology in the comments. Thank you.
It’s amazing but there are still people out there sticking to the story that Sarah Palin is qualified to be Vice President. Are-you-kidding-me? These people actually have the balls to try and blame the fictional “east coast gotcha media” for being unfair to her. FUCK OFF with that nonsense. These people running for the highest office in our country (and in many ways the world) deserve to be grilled, RELENTLESSLY! Not to mention the fact that if Sarah Palin can’t survive a softball interview from Katie Couric, let me say that again KATIE COURIC, then how the hell is she supposed to handle the incredible, unending pressures of the White House?
If I hear one more person say “I like Sarah Palin because she is just like me” I am going to poop in their shoes. Guess who I don’t want in the White House? ME or YOU! I want the President and/or Vice President to be intelligent on an intimidating level. I want them to be so knowledgeable that I would be terrified to eat dinner with them. I want them to understand me and relate to the average American but I don’t want them to be as dumb as the average American.
For me this clip sums up why I can’t stand Sarah Palin. She starts with a lame joke, although I don’t understand how someone’s vast experience is actually funny, then trips all over herself trying to defend a joke that ACTUALLY also makes fun of 72-year-old John McCain. Palin sounds like a teenage boy who has just been caught by his mother jerking off but tries desperately to offer an excuse. “Uh, I was combing my hair and the comb fell into my pants and I was trying to get it out but it was stuck so I really had to tug at it then my pants fell off by accident and I could not find the comb so I was looking for it, that’s all.”
Apparently when it comes to newspapers and magazines Sarah Palin “reads all of ’em.” So many that she is unable to name any.
This is no joke people. Try and imagine this woman as President if McCain was to die in office. Who could possibly trust this woman to run the country when she can’t even handle easy questions? We have already suffered through 8 years of this bullshit, it is time for change. I am right, I know everything!
Yes, I am one of those annoying people who can’t stop saying “how much better the original British version of ‘The Office’ is.” That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy the American version of The Office, I just don’t like it as much. I really love most of the peripheral characters like Creed, Andy, Kelly, Meredith and it’s hard to dislike Rainn Wilson as Dwight, however I find the main characters to be much less interesting and I can barely stomach Steve Carell’s performance as Michael Scott.
Blah blah blah, who cares about my opinion of every single character on The Office? Well it’s my blog (God, I hate the word blog) so you will have to suffer through. ANYWAY, what do I hate most about the American version? The god damn “Jim look” that is shot my way every 30 seconds! WE GET IT, Jim is the only sane person in the office and he knows everyone is crazy and he’s normal and all his coworkers are idiots. You know what, I can figure that out without such a blatant “aw shucks” reminder.
Should I care about something so insignificant as the world crumbles around us? YES YES YES! I have to care, it must happen! Every time Jim turns his head, looks directly at me and scrunches up his face as if to say, “gee whiz my coworker are dumb” I am forced to turn to the imaginary camera in my living room, scrunch up my face as if to say, “gee whiz I’m fucking sick of that guy’s ‘gee whiz’ face.”
I know there are people who love the “Jim look” but the difference between them and me is that I am right and they are wrong. Bow before my superior opinions!
Let me first say that I am not gay. I know that is a big surprise to many of you. I am not declaring this because I am afraid of being called gay, I only mention it because I don’t want some jackass saying “you’re only sticking up for the guy because you’re totally gay too.”
Here’s the deal, if you want to make fun of Clay Aiken because he looks like a thumb in a wig then I am right there with you. If you want to say his fans, the “Claymaniacs,” and the 15 cats they each own are possibly the saddest bunch of losers on the planet then yes, let’s take our shirts off and pour beer all over each other! OK, that sounded a little gay. BUT who gives a shit about his sexuality? If it makes you feel better that you cracked the case and “just knew” Clay Aiken was gay ever since the first time you saw him on American Idol then you may be more pathetic than the Claymaniacs. Guess what, everyone knew he was gay.* *not the Claymaniacs
I never really thought twice about this turd until I saw him interviewed on Good Morning America by Diane Sawyer. This woman acted like getting Clay Aiken to admit to being gay was going to prevent a terrorist attack. She was practically waterboarding the kid. Sawyer simply refused to drop it and finally a visibly frustrated Aiken said something like, “why do you care so much, it really is nobody’s business.” I was sitting there thinking to myself “FUCK, now I have to like Clay Aiken.” DAMN IT! He was absolutely right though, what business is it of hers or anyone else? He probably should have also asked her, “Why the hell are you even interviewing me, you know I’m Clay Aiken right?”
I fully support those who decide to come out of the closet but I also don’t think it’s anyone’s business if a person chooses not to. Who cares? There are more important things to care about like what possesses a women to get a fucking Rachael Ray Tattoo?
I’M RACHAEL RAY AND I LIKE TO YELL! OH BOY LOOK AT THIS SANDWICH, IT LOOKS YUMMERS! JUST NEEDS A LITTLE EVOO! YUM-O!”
Please rip my ears off and put expanding insulating foam in my bleeding ear holes! Why is it that the more annoying a person is the more likely they will be hugely popular? Especially when it comes to the Food Network. It’s a parade of loud mouth jerks on that channel.
Rachel Ray is so painfully boring I can barely find the strength to write about how much better I am than her. Are white, suburban women really so bored with life that all it takes is a slightly less-bland version of themselves to make them lose their minds with excitement? I think I’m a little jealous of these people. I walk around all day wanting to fling poop in everyone’s face but these women drop their panties with excitement anytime Rachael Ray says “EVOO.” I want their blind happiness. I want to find “EVOO” charming rather than something that causes me to black out from rage. Save me Rachael Ray!
I will now show you something that should shake you to your very soul. It should make you question everything. You might want to drink 7 beers before looking at this photo.
Have you ever been forced into one of these ridiculous wastes of time? If you are currently reading this from the safety of your grey cubicle then I will assume the answer is yes. I will also assume a chill just shot up your spine and a tear fell to your Dockers.
For those of you who are lucky enough to NOT know what a “team building” seminar is all about, let me sum it up like this… your entire office is herded onto a party bus and driven to a remote location where you will be forced to act like a toddler in a misguided attempt to make you give a shit about your job and coworkers. Oh, it’s a real fun time alright, you get to wear your “weekend” clothes, bang on drums and various other children’s instruments, share feelings and play wacky games that involve being tied with ropes to the accounting department. You laugh and bond over how funny your boss looks in a hula skirt and comment endlessly about how hilarious it was when Larry from sales sang “Margaritaville” at karaoke! If you are a man you might as well cut off your penis because it will never look you in the eye again after one of this weekends.
Oh it’s a big love fest that really strengthens the team until Monday when the mere sight of Larry and his stupid face brings back those fantasies of going on a killing spree through the sales department. You imagine Larry begging for his life in a pool of his own blood, looking at you with puppy dog eyes pleading, “What about Margaritaville? Come on Bob, we won the potato sack race together! Wastin away again in Margaritaville? Margaritaville!”
Remember when companies functioned without team building? Remember when people at your insurance agency had to wear suits and could not bring their dogs to work? Remember when you called a company and didn’t have to talk to a robot until you finally break down in tears screaming, “CUSTOMER SERVICE! CUSTOMER SERVICE! OPERATOR!” I want those days back again. No amount of egg toss will change my mind.
Let me first say that I am not gay. I know that is a big surprise to many of you. I am not declaring this because I am afraid of being called gay, I only mention it because I don’t want some jackass saying “you’re only sticking up for the guy because you’re totally gay too.”
