Hey Pizza Hut, leave my pizza alone and stop forcing cheese into every hole you can find! And while you’re at it stop trying to convince me your “Tuscani Pastas” are going to fool me into thinking they don’t taste like ass.
Much like the toothbrush, pizza has been figured out and needs no further innovations. The only option Pizza Hut has left is to make the delivery box out of cheese because god knows Americans need more cheese for their fat cheese holes. I’m also kind of waiting for “The Extreme 180 Pizza” which would simply be a pizza delivered upside down. The commercial would feature skateboarding punks taking a break from thrashing and being rad to take “Pizza Hut’s Extreme 180 Pizza Challenge.” They would encourage each other by yelling things like “bitchin” or “hell yeah, eat the shit out of that mother fucker you mother fucker” or simply “FUCK!”
OK, get it out of your system… call me gay, blah blah blah. OK, feel better now?
There are exactly 2 fake boobs that I like and they reside on Brooke Burke (NSFW – Nudity). Why do I forgive Brooke Burke and her plastic boobs? Because they kind of look real and I just do!
It’s weird to me that there is an entire generation of males who probably don’t know what a real tit looks like thanks to all the perfect round orbs all over the internet. Maybe – MAYBE – these silly things look good in clothes but once they are released into the wild it looks like these girls have Tupperwear glued to their chests. It’s hard to look boobs in the eye when you got one nipple looking over here and another pointing down at the floor. Makes you want to snap your fingers and say, “Hey, over here, pay attention please.”
OK, let’s assume you like the way they look in clothes and you don’t mind the scars and attention deficit nipples, at the very least you have to hate the way they feel. The best part of boob honking is the inherent soft, squishy nature of a real breast. A fake breast on the other hand can actually injure your hand, I have seen it happen!
I actually kind of feel sorry for the poor idiot whose job it is to “invent” new toothbrushes. Some guy who got a Masters in engineering and dreamed that one day he would change the world while working with an elite team of scientists in a C.S.I. style lab in Switzerland is in reality hopping in his PT Cruiser every morning to work in a basement lab in Dayton to “reinvent” the toothbrush every 6 months. This poor son of a bitch comes home every night to cold leftover Olive Garden, a wife dressed head to toe in bedazzled denim and a son who may or may not be worshipping the devil. He works 10 hours a day under buzzing fluorescent lights just to rearrange some bristles on an invention that was pretty much figured out in the 1800s. I mean, it’s a fucking brush. God, I just want to give this guy a hug!
I can’t even find a normal toothbrush at the pharmacy any more. I just want the classic colorful plastic handle with clear, straight bristles but all of the brushes on the market look more like sex toys than something you want to stick on your mouth.
The first person who can tell me where to buy/order the classic toothbrush will win this Jesus Puzzle.
This slider puzzle is supposed to say “I ‘heart’ Jesus” and it’s intended to be solved by children. I spent 45 minutes trying to solve it and the best I could come up with was “I (shapes) Jesus.” That’s when I threw it against the wall and destroyed it. How you like me now, puzzle? FUCK YOU!
Honestly I have had a little too much to drink and the last thing I feel like doing is writing about these douchebags but I just HAD to start a blog didn’t I? There is a good chance this will be brief and incoherent.
First of all, if any of you think I’m being racist or attacking hip hop culture please understand I hate all of these people whether they be white, black, hip hop, emo, goth or simply fat and lazy. I don’t care who you are, I don’t need to see your soiled underwear as you attempt to walk around the mall in your over-sized baggy pants around your ankles. You look like a fucking IDIOT holding your crotch in an attempt to… in an attempt to what? I really don’t know. I just know that you suck and your pants suck and your crotch sucks and you look like a nerd who just got pantsed by the varsity quarterback.
Why do I have to be the smartest person in the world with the greatest opinions ever? It’s a burden to tell you the truth. Having this much knowledge and taste is difficult when there are so my dip shits surrounding me in their huge pants. Why? Why Am I so great when everyone else is so dumb? Can there be a bright future for this planet when adults are willing to walk around with their pants around their ankles?
I miss the good old days when rappers wore these pants.
I will also forgive this.
Let’s see if I can get through this without finally having a hate-fueled heart attack.
Guess who just spent half a million dollars on a vacation? You don’t know? You should because if you are an American tax payer you picked up the tab.
Less than one week after the federal government forked over $85 billion to bail out AIG, executives of AIG headed for a week-long retreat at a luxury resort and spa, the St. Regis Resort in Monarch Beach, California. Looks nice huh? I wish I could take a week off and relax with a massage and a leisurely dip in the pool but I’m too busy paying for AIG CEO Robert Willumstad’s vacation. I paid for Robert Willumstad’s vacation and all I got was his lousy dick up my ass!
How much is enough? I can not relate to this level of greed. While the rest of the country starves these guys have the nerve to ask for our food and then spit it back in our faces. Pure evil.
It’s amazing but there are still people out there sticking to the story that Sarah Palin is qualified to be Vice President. Are-you-kidding-me? These people actually have the balls to try and blame the fictional “east coast gotcha media” for being unfair to her. FUCK OFF with that nonsense. These people running for the highest office in our country (and in many ways the world) deserve to be grilled, RELENTLESSLY! Not to mention the fact that if Sarah Palin can’t survive a softball interview from Katie Couric, let me say that again KATIE COURIC, then how the hell is she supposed to handle the incredible, unending pressures of the White House?
If I hear one more person say “I like Sarah Palin because she is just like me” I am going to poop in their shoes. Guess who I don’t want in the White House? ME or YOU! I want the President and/or Vice President to be intelligent on an intimidating level. I want them to be so knowledgeable that I would be terrified to eat dinner with them. I want them to understand me and relate to the average American but I don’t want them to be as dumb as the average American.
For me this clip sums up why I can’t stand Sarah Palin. She starts with a lame joke, although I don’t understand how someone’s vast experience is actually funny, then trips all over herself trying to defend a joke that ACTUALLY also makes fun of 72-year-old John McCain. Palin sounds like a teenage boy who has just been caught by his mother jerking off but tries desperately to offer an excuse. “Uh, I was combing my hair and the comb fell into my pants and I was trying to get it out but it was stuck so I really had to tug at it then my pants fell off by accident and I could not find the comb so I was looking for it, that’s all.”
Apparently when it comes to newspapers and magazines Sarah Palin “reads all of ’em.” So many that she is unable to name any.
This is no joke people. Try and imagine this woman as President if McCain was to die in office. Who could possibly trust this woman to run the country when she can’t even handle easy questions? We have already suffered through 8 years of this bullshit, it is time for change. I am right, I know everything!
Yes, I am one of those annoying people who can’t stop saying “how much better the original British version of ‘The Office’ is.” That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy the American version of The Office, I just don’t like it as much. I really love most of the peripheral characters like Creed, Andy, Kelly, Meredith and it’s hard to dislike Rainn Wilson as Dwight, however I find the main characters to be much less interesting and I can barely stomach Steve Carell’s performance as Michael Scott.
Blah blah blah, who cares about my opinion of every single character on The Office? Well it’s my blog (God, I hate the word blog) so you will have to suffer through. ANYWAY, what do I hate most about the American version? The god damn “Jim look” that is shot my way every 30 seconds! WE GET IT, Jim is the only sane person in the office and he knows everyone is crazy and he’s normal and all his coworkers are idiots. You know what, I can figure that out without such a blatant “aw shucks” reminder.
Should I care about something so insignificant as the world crumbles around us? YES YES YES! I have to care, it must happen! Every time Jim turns his head, looks directly at me and scrunches up his face as if to say, “gee whiz my coworker are dumb” I am forced to turn to the imaginary camera in my living room, scrunch up my face as if to say, “gee whiz I’m fucking sick of that guy’s ‘gee whiz’ face.”
I know there are people who love the “Jim look” but the difference between them and me is that I am right and they are wrong. Bow before my superior opinions!
