You just made my list!

Have you ever gone to a wedding and thought, “This reception is beautiful. The room is lovely, the flowers are spectacular, the china is immaculate but there is no fucking way I’m sitting on that chair without first covering it with a giant garbage bag! I don’t give a shit if the bride and groom take offense to it, I REFUSE to sit on that chair without putting a giant condom on it first.”

Well guess what psycho? You are in luck thanks to the ridiculous NewSeat!

NewSeat is a single-use chair cover for people who want to tell the world “I’m here. I’m crazy. Get used to it.” You think I’m kidding about the wedding scenario? According to NewSeat.com a wedding is just one of the perfectly normal places to use their chair cover. You can also look normal while using your NewSeat at seminars, conferences and “live stage performances.” Nothing makes you look more normal at a business seminar than refusing to let your fully clothed body touch a chair.

You may not know this but chair-related deaths are up 300% since 2005. I’m sure we all know someone who is battling an illness picked up from sitting on a chair. Just last week I participated in “Sit for a Cure” and I can only assume many of you did as well. GOD DAMN YOU CHAIRS! Sorry, I just get really emotional because in the last two years I have lost three family members to chair illnesses.

Another suggested use for the NewSeat is on an airplane. Hey great idea! I always found airplane seats to be a little too comfortable and often thought my six hour plane ride could be made better if I was sitting on an impervious sheet of plastic.

If there’s one thing I know about teenagers it’s that they LOVE to stand out and look different from their friends. They NEVER want to simply blend in and look like each other. Luckily for them NewSeat works for kids too! I can’t think of a single better way to get in with the popular crowd than to cover your chair at the movie theater with a tarp before sitting in it. When the other teens see you setting up for a hazardous material spill before watching Hot Tub Time Machine they will surely make a mental note to put YOUR name down for prom queen.

While the rest of the world cries and moans about “going green,” NewSeat has the balls to say “Fuck you environment, I’m covering every chair I sit on with a giant piece of plastic and then I’m just going to fucking leave it there when I’m done. What are you going do about it? Nothing, just like I thought.”

The next time you go to a movie theater built in 1910, bring a NewSeat!

Whatever! Like, I’m totally not sitting on that chair, it’s like gross-out city to the max. LOL. LMAO. BFF. WTF?

Holy crap, God sure was busy killing his way through Hollywood this year. What is up that guy’s ass lately? You’d think the guy would just sit back, relax and count his blessings, but no, he feels the need to constantly kill the most important people on the planet… celebrities. His long list of trophy kills in 2009 includes:

– Famous white entertainer, Michael Jackson
– Famous big nipples, Farrah Fawcett
– Famous nerd and Dungeons & Dragons creator, Dave Arneson
– Famous Golden Girl and TV abortion getter, Bea Arthur
– Famous porn star and Ivory Soap box model, Marilyn Chambers
– Famous geriatric porn star Blue Iris (why does God hate porn so much?)
– Famous creepy guy, Ron Silver
– Famous creepy guy, David Carradine
– Famous creepy guy and man of 1,000 voices, Fred Travalena
– Famous creepy magician, Danny Gans (why not Criss Angel instead?)
– Famous Burt Reynolds punching bag, Dom Deluise
– Famous lover of teens (in a good way), John Hughes
– Famous inventor of the electric guitar, Les Paul
– Famous rubber band magnet, Captain Lou Albano
– Famous not placer of Baby in the corner, Patrick Swayze
– Famous horrible skier, Natasha Richardson
– Famous fantasy granter, Ricardo Montalban
– Famous Budweiser abuser, Ed McMahon
– Famous beard dyer, Billy Mays
– Famous two-time God victim, Adam Goldstein (DJ AM)
– Famous sexy loon, Brittany Murphy
– Famous White House pussy, Socks the cat.

Well God, are you proud of yourself? Thanks for ruining everything, you ruiner!

I hope everyone has a fantastic 2010 and escapes the cruel hand of our lord and savior.

I heard that the original title of the new Amelia Earhart biopic starring Hilary Swank and her teeth was “Amelia Earhart: Jus’ Wavin’.” Judging from the trailer, this would have been an appropriate title.

I count at least 12 people waving in this trailer, not including the double wave by Swank at 1:35! Considering this represents less than 2 minutes of the film, I am conservatively estimating that the movie itself contains approximately 8,437 waves. This estimate does not include scenes of waving crowds. With crowd waving included, I would increase that figure to about 3.5 million waving hands.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to watch people wave almost as much as I enjoy waving myself. In high school I was Vice President of the Waving Club and after college I thought briefly about turning pro. Sadly, an unfortunate incident with a ceiling fan put an end to my waving career. Sure, I still do a little waving on the weekends when the weather is nice but it’s nothing like when I was at my peak.

Maybe Amelia Earhart should have spent a little less time waving and a little more time not crashing into the ocean.

This is one of those subjects that I can’t believe even needs to be debated, and yet here we are. Actually, I don’t think there is a single “normal” person who would argue on the side of this rapist but that doesn’t seem to be an issue for a long list of Hollywood power players.

If you don’t know the story of Roman Polanski, here is a short version. In 1978, at age 43, Polanski takes a 13-year-old girl to Jack Nicholson’s house to photograph her nude. But wait, that’s the most innocent part of this fucked-up story. Creepy kiddie porn quickly became creepier when Polanski got the girl drunk, drugged her and raped her. Yeah, this motherfucker raped a 13-year-old girl IN HER ASS after drugging her. What an artist! This piece of shit fled to France where he has lived in exile ever since. That is until he made the mistake of traveling to Switzerland this year where he was finally arrested.

Yay, the child rapist has been arrested, let’s all breathe a sigh of relief and be happy justice will finally be served after all these years. That’s what a normal person thinks, but that’s not how Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen, Wes Anderson, Tilda Swinton, Jonathan Demme, John Landis and over 100 other Hollywood assholes think. They have all signed a petition demanding Polanski’s release based on his merits as a filmmaker. In their warped, self absorbed minds raping a child is no biggie as long as you are an award winning film director. How is this even up for debate?

There are people on that list, like Scorsese and Anderson, whom I USED to really admire, but I am going to have to seriously reconsider that admiration. Would these same people sign a petition for my release if I drugged and raped a 13 year old? I mean, I made a music video that was broadcast on Mtv in the 80s as part of Madonna’s “Make My Video” contest, shouldn’t that count for something?

I wonder how these assholes would feel if if that tiny garden gnome Polanski raped their daughters?

Fuck Polanski and fuck anyone who supports him.

Remember the good old days when kids’ opinions were meaningless? I miss the days when a child sharing his opinion would result in a beer can to the head. OK, I don’t actually think you should throw beer at children. It’s obviously wrong to beat a child and it’s even worse to waste beer.

Believe it or not, I actually really like kids. I think a lot of children are totally awesome, and in many ways, I relate to them more than I do my fellow adults. HOWEVER, that does not mean I need to hear their opinions about the latest crappy crap that some movie studio crapped out of their craphole.

Here’s my problem with this concept. Have you ever heard a “real” kid NOT like a movie? They fucking love everything as long as it’s not too scary or boring. What KidsPickFlicks.com does though is give these brats an inflated sense of themselves and suddenly Kung Fu Panda lacks adequate character development. I actually have another problem with this website. Take a look at the reviews and tell me they were really written by children. It’s obvious adults have their hands in the mix. I actually think a website of real kids reviewing movies in their own words without editing would be fun to read.

I know, I’m mean.

OK, this is a total cop out post because my computer is going to be crunching something big for the next several hours and I only have a couple minutes to post something. I’m also super tired from a nap. I hate naps. Have I written about naps before? I think so. Fuck you, naps!

Anyhoo, my cousin sent this video to me a few hours ago and I am still trying to locate my balls, which promptly crawled deep into my body after only about 15 seconds of viewing these freaks losing their shit over the new Twilight trailer.

If you have ears and balls, prepare to fight the urge to remove all 4 of them.

FINALLY something that combines my love of pointless texting and people who talk during movies!

If you are a normal, fully functioning adult then you probably have not heard of “MuVChat.” Take a moment to thank Jesus for this because I am about to ruin your life. MuVChat allows you to read what’s on the minds of the dipshits sharing the theater with you. You see, at a MuVChat screening you can text any piece of bullshit rolling around in your empty skull and it will appear at the bottom of the screen. Imagine how insightful and creative these texts must be. I’m guessing it’s mostly comments like…

“Yo diz guy iz fast and furious yo”
“WTF dat guy doing yo”
“yo look out dat guy be behind yo azz!!!!”
“why dis button guy gotta age backwardz and shit yo :(”
“deez guyz is fagzz yo”
“beyonce’s azz be da shiz yo LMAO ROFL”
“Rosebud is the emblem of the security, hope and innocence of childhood, which a man can spend his life seeking to regain, yo”

I mean just look at the sample comments they put in their promo video. “Why I’m not a male model.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Are they as dumb as their audience or do they know they are marketing to idiots and want to speak their language? Either way it makes me want to stand outside the MuVChat offices and fling poop at anyone leaving the building.

If MuVChat becomes popular I beg you to kill me! Thanks (sort of) to my wife for bringing this to my attention.

Watch this but prepare to cry yourself to sleep.

Am I the only idiot who is still watching Lost? I’ve never really liked the show but now I have to see it through to the end. I just want answers God damn it! This season they are taking me to the edge of insanity with the addition of time travel. Fuck me. I guarantee, those jerk writers added time travel to the mix because it allows them to do anything they want. They can get out of all the corners they backed themselves into by simply letting time travel explain it away.

My slow noodle is about to explode from all this jumping back and forth through time. Just tell me what the fucking smoke monster is and why there are polar bears and pirate ships on this piece of shit island already! Is it heaven? Is John Locke Jesus? Is this whole show taking place in Hurley’s fat head? WHAT DO THE NUMBERS MEAN?

Here’s the deal, time travel never works in any TV show or movie. There are simply too many holes and complications to make it plausible in any plot. I mean right now on Lost we have to accept that there is a child Ben and an adult Ben walking around at the same time for Christ’s sake. Don’t even get me started on the disappearing photo in Back to the Future!

On a side note: I just overheard a commercial for the new “Fast and Furious” movie and they quoted the following review… “The best of all the Fast and Furious movies.” That’s like saying “The best tasting bucket of vomit.” I wish I had a time machine so I could go back 45 seconds and change the channel. Or maybe I could go back to 2001. Not to stop 9/11 but to kill everyone responsible for The Fast and The furious. FINE, I’ll kill Osama Bin Laden too. I’m so nice.

Time to drink myself to sleep!