You just made my list!

Please explain to me how it is possible for Criss Angel to have fans. PLEASE, I need to know. I can not sleep soundly knowing there are people who like this magical turd. I find it difficult to even have the will to live in a world that includes one Criss Angel fan. What is WRONG with you people?!? Even Carrot top is like “look at this fucking tool.”

I just had to take a shower because I accidentally looked at that photo for too long.

Let’s not even bother discussing this jerks Trent-Reznor-meets-Creed-meets-a-homeless-guy’s-butthole fashion sense. Can we all agree he looks like an asshole and move on to the important stuff? Good, thanks.

My main problem with Criss Angel is really more of a criticism of his fans and their willingness to be stupid. Magic only works if you are unable to figure out how a trick is done. However, to believe in the “magic” of Criss Angel you need to convince yourself the ability to edit video has not yet been invented.

I made the mistake of eating too much leftover pizza the other day and was rendered motionless on the couch unable to change the channel. The end result was me watching Criss Angel’s Spyglass Hotel building implosion “escape.” Are you fucking kidding me? Here’s the gist of the escape. Criss Angel is handcuffed by a fake cop to the balcony of a hotel that is about to be blown up. Angel has to escape the handcuffs and get to the roof where a helicopter awaits. To complicate matters all of the doors between the balcony and the roof have been padlocked by the pretend cop. Cameras have been placed throughout the hotel to show us his progress. He gets to the last door to the roof and blah blah blah he can’t get the lock open. As the building implodes the cameras just so happen to cut to static. Oh my god, no way, did I just witness Criss Angel’s death? Will the implosion company ever find work again after killing Criss Angel? Wait a minute, what’s this… thank God, Criss emerges on cue out of the rubble with all the acting skills of a 6th grader.

How did he do it? Like everything else he does, it was a combination of pre-taped video and extreme doucheness. I’m not going to go into a long explanation but for some reason Fox news did (see below).

Here’s the entire mess:

Fox News’ hard-hitting explanation of the escape:

I know I have already given Guy Fieri a permanent home on my list but last night he said something that shook my very soul. It’s painfully obvious from this douche wad’s wardrobe that he has a very hard time letting go of 1996 but until last night’s episode of “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives” I had no idea just how sick this guy was. I am going to give you an exact quote from Guy Fieri but I want you to know that if you choose to read on, your life will never be the same. What you will read is so disturbing you will look back at your life in 2 parts, before the Guy Fieri quote and after. Please call your family and tell them you love them before you read the next line.

“This onion is money.”

Was it? Was it “so money it didn’t even know how money it was” Guy?

Fuck off.

I was all set to share my wisdom on a completely different subject when I happened upon this “featured” headline on Yahoo. I’m pretty sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Please take note of how important these 5 featured headlines are. Thank god nothing else is happening in the world that might bump Kathy Griffin from the top news story of the moment. WAR IS OVER! Go grab a nurse in Times Square and totally tap dat ass!

OK, let’s ignore the fact that these Yahoo headlines make your high school newspaper look like The New York Times and focus on the reason my panties are all up in a bunch. Can it possibly be news that Kathy Griffin turned down “Dancing with the Stars?” I might, MIGHT, understand if the headline said something like “Kathy Griffin says YES to Dancing with the Stars” but no, this is a story reporting something that would barely be interesting if it HAD happened. It’s no different than a headline that reads “Tom Hanks still alive” or “Student filmmaker still working at Old Navy.” Nobody needs to know.

If I know you personally and you feel compelled to click “The reason why” link please never speak to me again.

I never thought I would actually long for the days when Mr. Six danced his fake old ass off to that piece of shit song but then Six Flags rolled out their “Fun-O-Meter” campaign. Sheesh.

Mr. Six and that song almost took me to the edge of suicide on a number of occasions. He started to appear in my dreams, I stopped showering, I ate dog food and I lost my job. I would sit in the corner wearing nothing more than a bow tie and a KFC bucket on my head. I rocked back and forth quietly singing “ba ba ba ba ba bababa, ba ba ba ba ba bababa, da da da da da dadada, ba ba ba ba ba bababa” in a puddle of my own pee. I hate you Mr. Six but I want you back!

I want you back because this new “Fun-O-Meter” yelling-in-my-face guy has me on the brink of bringing the KFC bucket and bow tie out of storage. Why can’t Six Flags just show me happy people waiting in line for 2 hours with gangbangers and slutty 16-year-old girls in mesh tops? Isn’t that why we all go to Six Flags? I’m getting off topic here but seriously, when was the last time you were at an amusement park? If these kids are our future WE ARE FUCKED.

Anyway, I’m sick of people yelling at me via my TV. I told you like a thousand times, I don’t want to snap into a Slim Jim! These commercials don’t make us pay attention, they make us dive for the remote as if it were a live grenade.

I’ll tell you who else just made my list… me, for spending the last 30 minutes researching who the “real Mr. Six” is. I should be on my list for even knowing his name is Mr. Six!

Well here he is everyone, strike up the fucking band, it’s Danny Teeson from “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl.” Did you even know there was a “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl?” So there you go, the last remaining mystery in the universe has been solved! Who cares? Apparently me.

P.S. Try to shake this from your memory.

Come on, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Is VH1 really so bored that they need to pull Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black out of the mothballs to make snarky comments on the ACTUAL DECADE WE ARE CURRENTLY LIVING IN?

Hey, who remembers hurricane Katrina? That was hilarious! Remember Paris Hilton? What ever happened to her? And just who DID let the dogs out? Is this show real or is it an elaborate hoax created by my enemies to give me a rage-induced heart attack?

OK, here’s the deal. I liked “I Love the 80’s” the first time around. In fact I watched all ten episodes in a row at my friend’s house. I was moderately amused by “I Love the 70’s.” Then came “I Love the 90’s” and I was starting to fantasize about different ways to murder Hal Sparks. What’s next “I Love right now” where Michael Ian Black discusses what Hal Sparks just said and Hal Sparks discusses what Michael Ian Black just said in a never-ending loop?

Stop it VH1. You are making me dislike Michael Ian Black, a person I happen to really like otherwise. On the other hand, I could give two shits about Hal Sparks and his crap heavy metal band. How can you possibly sound heavy and awesome if the name of your band is “The Hal Sparks Band?”

“Dude, why are your ears bleeding?”

“Oh, I was just listening to The Hal Sparks Band.”

VH1, stop before you kill again. Let Hal go back to his first love, trying to find leather pants in toddler sizes so he can look tough.

Way to go God, ya jerk! You think it’s funny to take Golden Girls star Estelle Getty just three days before her 85th birthday? Is that funny to you tough guy?

Estelle Getty was by far my favorite Golden Girl. For those of you who think it’s more important to read a book than watch awesome TV, Estelle played the part of the sassy but classy Sophia Petrillo, mother of Bea Arthur’s character Dorthy Zbornak although she was actually younger than Bea. Estelle Getty was genuinely funny as Sophia and I highly recommend you stop reading that stupid book of yours and go buy every DVD box set of the Golden Girls immediately.

You will be missed Estelle!

Oh how I love Bravo’s Project Runway. Seriously, I LOVE it and have been a fan starting with season one. The first episode of each season always feels a bit strange because the setting is unchanged from the previous season but the cast of characters is unrecognizable. It’s as if you are watching your favorite stupid show like “Everybody Loves Raymond” but every season 90% of the cast is replaced with new actors. The one consistent thing about episode one of Project Runway is that the most annoying designers quickly make themselves known and this season is no different.

As the popularity of past designers with stupid gimmicks and catchphrases grows (I’m looking down at you Christian Siriano with your fucking annoying “fierce” bullshit) so grows the number of dumb asses who make it on the show to promote their personalities rather than their design skills. This season is filled with shit heads and douchebags, in fact there are too many to write about.

Let’s start with Stella. Give it up guy, you’re like 60 years old and you look like Alice Cooper. It’s over.

Next up, Jerry. Get your pinhead off my TV.

That brings us to Suede. I kind of hate you so much right now that I can barely discuss you. Don’t get too used to hanging with Tim Gunn, you will be back in Ohio soon. Suede? Are you fucking kidding me with that name? Anyone who refers to themselves in the third person needs to be put in Guantanamo Bay.

And the mother of all Project Runway tools has to be “Blayne.” Really take a moment to soak in his name… BLAYNE. Fuck off and fuck off hard! If he makes it past another episode and “holla atcha boy” becomes the new “fierce” I might have to stop wearing “urban street wear” as a protest. This orange, piece of shit is obviously only there to promote his catch phrase “holla atcha boy” and I pray they will send him straight back to Compton soon.

Kudos to Emily, Kelli and Kenly for being hot and to Terri for having the guts to try and pass himself off as a woman. Way to go dude!

I hate that I even know who John Mayer is and I especially hate that I know at any given moment which Hollywood dipshit he’s dating. I just got the shivers.

Let’s start with Jennifer Aniston. OK first of all Rachel, you and Ross were ON A BREAK! You can’t hold the fact that he screwed that copy girl over his head forever. Hello?!? Ross is your soul mate! Listen Rachel, I understand your relationship has been a real roller coaster and it seems like you’re always stuck in second gear but if you want a future with Ross, I mean REALLY want it, then you are going to have to forgive him. Whose shoulder did you cry on after leaving Barry on your wedding day? What about when you were banging Paolo, did Ross hold it against you? How about when you were with Joey? Joey for Christ’s sake! Who’s name did Ross say at the altar during his wedding to Emily? He said Rachel. Rachel, it was always you.

OK Mayer, it’s your turn. First let me say you are a douche bag. I don’t actually know much about this guy and I’m trying to keep it that way HOWEVER it’s almost impossible not to not absorb useless information if you own a TV and have ever been on the internet. I don’t know if I have ever heard more than 2 John Mayer songs but that’s plenty thank you very much. I heard him butcher “Sweet Home Chicago” when Conan O’Brien did his show from Chicago. Side Note: Way to go Conan, you’re in Chicago, the Home of the Blues and fucking John Mayer is your choice to perform Sweet Home Chicago? Nice one idiot. Anyway, the second John Mayer song I heard was actually this morning on the radio. I thought it was some unearthed Stevie Ray Vaughn reject track but it turns out it was John Mayer doing his best SRV copy. He must have learned the blues while roaming the mean streets of the Berklee College of Music wondering where he’s going to score his next Jamba Juice fix.

I don’t even remember what I’m talking about anymore. Oh yeah, who gives a shit about John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston.

Johniston & Jennayer you just made my list!