I try to avoid the mall. Not because of some great protest against consumerism or because I think I’m better than mall shoppers, it’s really just that I don’t shop very often.
The last time I visited the mall I made the mistake of walking into a Hollister store, or maybe it was an Abercrombie & Fitch, and thought that I had accidentally walked into a haunted house or possibly that I had a stroke which rendered me blind. Have you been in these stupid pieces of shit? They should hand out fucking night vision goggles at the door because you can’t see a god damn thing! Apparently the easiest way to show that your store is cool(?) is to turn the lights off and watch your confused customers bump into each other like blind mice in a maze. Maybe this is a sign of being “old” but I can’t spend more than zero seconds in one of these dungeons without feeling like I am part of a sadistic experiment.
What’s the appeal of their clothing anyway? Why is everyone so happy to wear a shirt that simply says “Hollister” across the chest? I don’t fucking need to know where you purchased your shitty shirt, I can already guess. Oh, and another thing, not only can you not SEE in these stores, you also can’t BREATHE! I’m not sure if it’s the Axe Effect oozing from every douchebag in the store or if they pump in some mind controlling chemical that turns you into a dcouchebag, but either way you will find yourself crawling in the dark desperately trying to find the door.
I have always hated American Idol but this season has taken me over the edge. For some reason I keep seeing it every week. Specifically I keep catching this season’s “rocker” Adam Lambert perform, and each time I want to dig my eyes out of my skull and shove them down my ears while smashing my face through the TV. I fucking hate the fuck out of this prancing turd and his eye makeup. I would spend every penny I own (which is like 207 pennies) just to have the chance to kick him in the smooth area where his balls should be.
Music is dead. No, the music industry is dead. Everyone, including supposed indie bands, are so fucking into their look and their image now. Even a band like the Strokes, who pretend to be dirty and disheveled, spend just as much time picking out their outfits as the American Idol douchewads. Fuck everyone, what happened to awesome, ugly, dirty, sweaty bands like the Minutemen or the Replacements?
If this clip of Adam Lambert taking a shit all over Johnny Cash doesn’t make you want to go on a killing spree then you need to kindly punch yourself in your penis and/or vagina.
When did this become OK? When did girls become as lazy as guys? Sweats worn in public are bad enough on a man but on a woman it’s just sad. The kind of sad like when you are talking to someone and they have a booger swinging back and forth in their nose but you can’t say anything, all you can do is stare at it, pity them and then throw up when they walk away.
When a girl wears a sweatsuit in public it says, “I’ve given up on everything that makes me female. I’m pretending to care but obviously don’t.” These girls want the world to know they can no longer be bothered with complicated things like wearing clothes. I feel like the 5 most powerful names in the fashion industry got together and tried to come up with the most anti-fashion thing possible, just to see if they could sell it to the masses. The masses are asses and those asses say “Juicy.”
I’m going to attempt to write this while watching “Lost.” That, along with the fact that I really can’t think of anything funny or interesting to say about corporate pants, should result in the worst post I have ever pooed out of my poo hole.
Business casual blah blah blah. The subject is as boring as the clothing. I recently had to buy a bunch of “biz cas” clothes thanks to a freelance project and I’m still upset about it. OH MY GOD, this is so boring. I apologize, I really do. I honestly can’t think of a way to make this less horrible. This is where not being an actual writer poses a big problem for me. I couldn’t write my way out of a pair of pleated Dockers.
What is wrong with you people? Why are you wearing miniature jeans? Are you a doll? Do you have tiny doll legs?
Unless you are the sound guy for Jeff Foxworthy and it’s 1991 it’s time to retire your jean shorts. In fact, you might be a redneck if you are STILL FUCKING WEARING DENIM SHORTS!
I have complied a list of everything that is better than denim shorts…
Sheesh. Do I even need to explain why these people should be punished? I can understand if you have to keep your cell phone in a belt holster because the nature of your job makes it a necessity but… wait, no I can’t understand it ever. You should quit your job, nothing is worth this.
While you are at it, please shave that neatly-trimmed “Blue Collar Comedy” goatee too. How do I know you have this goatee? Because you wear your cell phone on your belt.
I thought it could not get any worse than a belt holster but I happened upon this and it shook me to my very core. Get a purse already!
I could just as easily put “men who wear gold chains” on my list but when they are worn over a sweater or turtleneck it really pushes the douchebag envelope.
When you wear a gold chain on the outside of your sweater it says to the world “I’m creepy, I sweat too much, I wear Axe, I prefer Van Halen with Sammy Hagar, I think Jim Belushi is hilarious, I still listen to cassette tapes and I lack the ability to understand why all this is wrong.”
It is also a scientific fact that if one wears a gold chain over one’s sweater, the sweater in question will be ugly enough to induce vomiting and will be worn without a collared shirt underneath.