If only there was a way to make my white trash house more white trashier. Hmmmmmm, maybe 30 branches covered in pink carpet will do the trick!
Listen up, I love cats, I really do. If you have never owned a cat you are probably thinking up different ways to call me gay right now. Well joke’s on you buddy because cats rule, end of story. I also understand the desire to give your cat a few cuddly areas in the house for napping and looking cute purposes. Yeah, that’s right, I find it endlessly adorable to watch cats sleep, fuck you. But I will never understand the desire to completely strip what little dignity your shitty living room has left by shoving some giant cat jungle gym up its ass. Sure, Snickers and Doodles might like to climb it and and snooze, but they would be equally happy on your Harley-Davidson pillows or your Dora the Explorer fleece blanket that you keep on your matching La-Z-Boys.
Last night got a way from me and I didn’t get a chance to share my brilliance with the world. So this morning I decided in honor of the upcoming celebration of America’s independence, that I would simply post the “America, Fuck Yeah” song from Team America: World Police. Well, since I could not find it in under 1 minute on Youtube, I gave up. That’s the spirit! That’s the American way! However, I did find this clip. I think it speaks for itself. Either that or it says nothing, I can’t decide.
Fuck! Are you fucking kidding me? Now I have to worry about this shit?
I was just in Mexico! Do I feel feverish? I can’t tell. Shit I think I have swine flu! Is uncontrollable snorting and an overwhelming desire to roll around in my own poop a symptom?
How did this crap start? Did swine flu start with some drunk sorority girl who was convinced by the good people at Girls Gone Wild to make out with a pig while on spring break in Mexico? I imagine it would have started slow like, “Hey Madison, just show us one nipple for a couple seconds and we will give you this highly valuable T-shirt! You want a T-shirt don’t you? You want to be cool, right?” Next thing you know, Madison has a face full of hog ass and the rest of the world is walking around in blue surgical masks.
God, what’s wrong with me? This post is a little over-the-top don’t you think? Shit, is that a symptom of swine flu, overly aggressive and offensive blogging? I need to go lie down.
Well, aren’t you just king of the fucking jungle? That’s right alligator, Brad owns your bitch ass just like he rules at medium level Guitar Hero and beer pong. That’s right, shut your pussy mouth, gator, Carol is in control now, just like she’s in charge of the motherfucking office lottery tickets every week. HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?
What kind of a pathetic turd do you have to be to take pleasure in fucking around with some poor animal in a misguided attempt to look tough? Are people going to see the photo on your fridge and think it was taken in the wild and you are not the douchebag they secretly always thought you were? I don’t care if it’s an ant or an alligator, if you enjoy tormenting another living creature you are a grade-A piece of shit.
My honest desire is for every jackass who poses for one of these photos to have their heads torn off by these awesome, prehistoric killing machines. I want to see them eaten whole and I want to be there when the gator poops out little scraps of J. Crew and, ironically, Crocs. I want their families to watch as a fed up alligator grabs Daddy by his fat face and drags him underwater leaving only his soiled denim shorts and NASCAR hat behind. Ahhhhh, let me take a moment to daydream about that a little longer…
These clips are like porn to me. Go get ’em gators!
Oh my God, look at how beautiful that peacock is with his majestic feathers extended like some magical fairytale bird.
WRONG! You have never been more wrong you stupid idiot! That peacock is trying to hypnotize that peahen and fuck her terrified ass. Oh yeah, and he wants to do it while your family watches! No wonder “cock” is in his name!
If you have only experienced peacocks in photographs then you probably think I’m crazy. However, if you have witnessed this horror show in person then you will know what I’m talking about. The male will raise his feathers in an attempt to look awesome. Fine, I can deal with that. It’s not unlike when I walk around Six Flags shirtless. Next it surrounds the peahen and shakes its ass a few times. OK, sounds like me at the beach. But then it all goes terribly wrong. This creepy jerk violently vibrates his feathers, creating the most horrific sound you will ever hear. It’s subtle but disgusting! I am not lying when I tell you it makes my skin crawl. When I witnessed it up close and personal in Hawaii I thought I was going to cry or barf or maybe cry barf out of my eyes.
Let me be VERY clear I LOVE animals and am endlessly thankful for people who devote their lives to helping them. I’m one of those ridiculous people who sees a homeless guy with a dog and thinks “I hope that dog is getting enough to eat.” I am glad there are people like Sarah McLachlan who use their celebrity to do something noble. Finally, the thought of a person being cruel to an animal literally turns my stomach.
Having said all of that, I can’t reach the remote fast enough when this commercial comes on the TV. It’s not the commercial’s fault, I just can’t stand to see slow motion shots of sad/abused/forgotten animals. To date, I have only seen the first 3 seconds of this ad and it’s enough to ruin my day. I always change the channel immediately. The problem is that the commercial is so long I always turn back too soon and find a pair of sad doggie eyes staring at me from behind cage bars.
Oh, and now there’s a new sad animal commercial with polar bears clinging to life on a tiny chunk of ice. Jesus Christ, I just want to watch People’s Court without crying!
If the economy didn’t suck and I had some extra cash I would be more than happy to donate to the ASPCA. So I guess that means you will have to donate in my honor. If you don’t, I will email sad animal photos to you every day. Don’t be like me, donate to The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
