Thanks for giving me the names of all your kids, it will be much easier to kidnap “Boogers” from the playground with that info.
These stupid bumper stickers have been mentioned in comments before on this site, but it’s time they got their due. They have more than earned their place on my list. I don’t give a shit about your stupid anorexic family, I just want to drive behind your slow-moving minivan in peace. I don’t need to know the intimate details of your life. I don’t need the pressure of trying to figure out everyone’s hobbies from the rudimentary cave drawings you have provided. Perhaps you could also display your tax returns for the last 3 years, your resume and the kids’ grades? Tell me, who is Booger’s favorite Jonas Brother?
The thing that really bothers me about this crap is everyone’s willingness to be the same. I hate fads. I guarantee these turds have a box of “valuable” Beanie Babies collecting dust in their basement and a full assortment of Crocs waiting by the door. It’s ironic that these decals end up making every family look exactly the same.
Hey thanks for handing me that towel that was 1 inch away from my hand, I would say that’s worth about a dollar. And let me also thank you for staring at me from your little stool while I took a piss, it did not make me the least bit uncomfortable. Now, if there was just someplace nearby for me to get an extra splash of Drakkar Noir. What’s that you say, YOU have Drakkar Noir? Right here in the BATHROOM? Kind sir, you are a life saver! Just give me a $1 stick of gum and I will be on my way. Whoops, I’ve spent so much time shopping in the bathroom that now I have to go poop. What does it cost for you to wipe me?
Since most bathroom attendants are sad looking old guys I’m not actually putting them on my list, it’s really just the concept of the modern-day bathroom attendant that upsets me. I say modern attendant because I’m sure there was a time, back when people got dressed up to go out, when these people were slightly more necessary. But now that every fat ass is walking around in denim shorts and Crocs, it just seems weird to have a guy in a tuxedo sitting in the bathroom.
I always cringe when I walk into a bathroom and see an attendant. I often try to decide if it would just be easier to pee my pants and get the hell out of there. I’m sorry, I just don’t want to pay a guy to hand me a towel!
However, the one thing that makes these guys awesome is when they fill the urinals with ice. Oh sweet lord, I love to pee on ice!
Well, aren’t you just king of the fucking jungle? That’s right alligator, Brad owns your bitch ass just like he rules at medium level Guitar Hero and beer pong. That’s right, shut your pussy mouth, gator, Carol is in control now, just like she’s in charge of the motherfucking office lottery tickets every week. HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?
What kind of a pathetic turd do you have to be to take pleasure in fucking around with some poor animal in a misguided attempt to look tough? Are people going to see the photo on your fridge and think it was taken in the wild and you are not the douchebag they secretly always thought you were? I don’t care if it’s an ant or an alligator, if you enjoy tormenting another living creature you are a grade-A piece of shit.
My honest desire is for every jackass who poses for one of these photos to have their heads torn off by these awesome, prehistoric killing machines. I want to see them eaten whole and I want to be there when the gator poops out little scraps of J. Crew and, ironically, Crocs. I want their families to watch as a fed up alligator grabs Daddy by his fat face and drags him underwater leaving only his soiled denim shorts and NASCAR hat behind. Ahhhhh, let me take a moment to daydream about that a little longer…
These clips are like porn to me. Go get ’em gators!
I saw A LOT of short, sassy mom hair last week on vacation starting with this gem of a hairdo at the airport. This woman wants the world to know that the kids are in college and she’s ready to put on a comfortable pair of Crocs and get tipsy on 1 and a half margaritas. Oh what the hay, she might even order it with salt on the rim. I’m guessing someone is going to get his bald head rubbed too.
The thing that makes sassy mom hair so special is the fact that, unlike the mullet, it’s party up front and an even bigger party in the back. The whole fucking head is in party mode!
Wait, do I like sassy hair or hate it? I can’t tell anymore.
I feel like a 7 year-old on Christmas morning! Have you heard the news, the wonderful, glorious news? Crocs’ crimes against humanity may soon end thanks to their stock taking a major nosedive (-47%) after the company had to announce they wouldn’t come anywhere near their previously announced expectations for the quarter. It has been a long time since the stock market has given me a boner this hard.
I’ve already written about my disdain for these rubber pieces of shit but this morning’s gift from the universe had to be acknowledged. The Crocs CEO Ron “Satan” Snyder had this to say, “Although we made important progress reducing costs in our manufacturing and distribution platform blah blah blah fart fart fart.” Who cares?
Michael Pierce, who is a smart guy from London said “I suspect the problem at Crocs is simply that people are tired of them and do not find them as exciting as they once did.” Yes, they were once so exciting!
Another smart guy named Mitch Kummetz has the quote that made my morning, “But with the outlook as bad as it now is, the fundamentals really are that bad. We see no catalyst to reverse the trend.”
Am I jealous that I didn’t invent Crocs? Yes. Is that why I hate them so much? No.
If I see you wearing your Crocs it is best to guard your ass from my shoe wearing foot that is about to kick it. Why why why would anyone, including children, willingly choose to wear these in public? Are we really so bored that in order to feel alive again we need to experience the stinging humiliation of dressing like clowns in public? I hate us. Actually I hate you.
Yes, Crocs are insanely ugly and ridiculous and should be shunned for those reasons alone but the thing I really hate about them, or any fad, is that it once again proves that people are predictable followers. Just think about those idiots who will literally get in fist fights over Tickle Me Elmo or Furbies or fill in the blank. It’s this desire to blend in with the crowd and disappear that makes me want to force feed you your Crocs.
Guess what, you look like an ass in your Crocs. You don’t look cute and you don’t look “funky” and don’t even try to tell me how comfortable they are. Walking around with bags of dog shit on your feet might be the most comfortable thing ever but I still wouldn’t do it. I’m sorry if it sounds like I think I am superior to “Crocs people” but it’s only because I am.
Am I jealous that I didn’t invent Crocs? Yes. Is that why I hate them so much? No.
