Tag Archive 'dead'

Feb 28 2011

God, for leaving Corey Haim out of the Oscars death montage!

Published by under Jerks

corey haim left our of oscars death montage 2001 acadamy awards

First, God purposefully kills Corey on my birthday, then last night he had the fucking balls to cut Haim out of the Academy Awards death montage! When God killed Corey last year, I thought he was sending a message to young Hollywood, but now that I see his latest stunt I can clearly see this is all designed to upset me!

Well guess what God, I think you are a real meanie for trying to ruin my Oscars party. You know I spent two solid hours popping popcorn! I know you saw it because the bible tells us in Levitra 2:13-17 “And so-eth it shall be known-eth that I, the supreme overload, shall keep tabs upon you and will monitor all things great and small, including but not limited to-eth, football games, The Country Music Awards, Childrens beauty pageants, etc. I even watch you while-est you are pooping.”

WTF, God? I will not take this ROFL!

7 responses so far

Nov 30 2010

That humorless God, for killing Leslie Nielsen!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

leslie neilsen airplane, naked gun

Look at me, I’m God, I hate everything, I’m jealous of people who are funnier than me so I kill them from high atop my magical cloud spaceship. I sit alone in my cloud condo eating sandwiches made out of some animal that only I know about, slowly killing off the cast of Airplane because nobody ever came to see my improv group even though I like totally put flyers up all over heaven. Peter Graves DEAD… Barbara Billingsley DEAD… Leslie Nielsen… SEE YA! Look out guy who had the starring role but nobody knows the name of, because you are next. La dee frickin’ da, I’m God and I’m going to take all my toys home unless someone plays with me.

Leslie Nielsen farts on TV and you love it!

8 responses so far

Oct 25 2010

Ambulances that have the fucking nerve to prevent me from going through a green light even though I have been waiting at the intersection for like a million years!

Published by under Why?!?

ambulance at intersection, red light green light

You know, just because you are an “emergency” vehicle trying to “save someone’s life” it doesn’t mean you have the right to make me miss my turn at the green light. I mean come on, I sat there forever in a long line of cars watching the lights go from red to green, red to green, red to green until FINALLY it was my turn to sniff the sweet aroma of green light freedom. I fantasized about this moment for the last 5 minutes and even planned on changing my Facebook status to “Woo hoo, finally made it through the intersection. Thank you Mr. Green Light!” but you and your gaudy, flashy vehicle just HAD to be there at the same time and ruin everything!

Fuck you ambulance, what’s the rush? And fuck you dying person in the back of the ambulance too. What, the whole world has to bow to you as you parade around the city in that kickass adjustable bed like some big shot? “Oooooo, look at me, I’m Donald Trump.” Maybe I would like someone to drive my lazy ass around, ever think of that? Selfish prick.

I hope you know I’m secretly hoping you die. Yeah that’s right, you make me miss the first 2 minutes of “The Biggest Loser” and I pray for your death. Seems totally fair and rational to me. You inconvenience me, so I hope you are inconvenienced by an exploding heart.

Ahhhhh, that feels much better.

13 responses so far

Oct 22 2010

The Devil for calling Bob Guccione home!

Published by under Why?!?

bob guccione penthouse death dead dies

I’m sure all of you were equally destroyed by the news of Bob Guccione’s death and, if you are like me, you will be taking the day off to mourn and reflect.

Rarely does mankind see greatness like Guccione. Playboy may have shown me my first glimpse of female pubes but Penthouse let me behind the curtain, so to speak. It was as if Bob Guccione himself was taking me by the hand and giving me an intimate tour of the female anatomy. Not too many grown men would do that for a 13-year-old boy and he deserves all the praise in the world for it.

Sure, it was scary at first, after all the first issues of Penthouse I saw were from the late 70s and early 80s when a woman’s pubic hair extended 6 inches from her body. Once I worked through the fear it was an incredible journey filled with head bands, baby oil, tan lines, Venetian blinds lit by red and blue lights, naked women washing cars and, most importantly, girls having sex with other girls. My eyes are filled with tears as I type this.

I fear that Guccione’s greatest gift to humanity will be lost. I am speaking, of course, of Penthouse Forum. Forum was better than the pictorials and it was nothing more than real letters from Penthouse readers telling real tales of getting laid. Yes, they were real and I don’t want to hear any more about it! I couldn’t wait to grow up because, thanks to Forum, I was under the impression young adulthood was going to be an endless parade of sex with hot housewives in their pools, sex in the woods with hitchhikers, sex in the grocery store parking lot, sex with triplets and sex that produced a minimum of 8 male orgasms. That son-of-a-bitch Guccione had me masturbating to words. WORDS!

Rest in peace sweet sweet Bob Guccione.

10 responses so far

Oct 20 2010

God, for killing Barbara Billingsley and Tom Bosley!

You proud of yourself, God? I bet you think you are king of the fucking universe right now, don’t you? All high and mighty, sitting up there on your cloud, killing two beloved TV parents in the same week. As Christian Bale says, “OH, GOOD FOR YOU!”

barbara billingsley, leave it to beaver dies, dead

Well you finally did it, you made Wally and Beaver orphans. I know you have been dreaming of this day for a long time and now you can kick up your old man feet on some stupid cloud La-Z-Boy® recliner that’s made out of clouds and smells like clouds and give yourself  a nice slow clap. I watched “Leave it to Beaver” every day after Junior High so I can’t help but think some of this was aimed at hurting me.

Let me get this straight, God… Guy Fieri gets to wake up tomorrow and put on his favorite flame-covered bowling shirt but June fucking Cleaver is six feet under? Yeah yeah, don’t give me this “she was 94 years old” bullshit, you’re God, give unto her the ability to live forever! Dick.

Barbara Billingsley being awesome

And then this shit happens…

Tom Bosley happy days death

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days.
Tuesday, kill Mr. Cunningham?

What’s wrong with you? Tom Bosley was Father Dowling, A FUCKING PRIEST, for your son’s sake. Were you jealous that Bosley was on pretty much every classic TV show ever… Car 54 Where Are you, Get Smart, The Mod Squad, Bewitched, Mission: Impossible, Maude, The Paul Lynde Show, Love Boat, Happy Fucking Days, Touched by an Angel!?!

You wish your resume was that strong, God. Let’s see, what have YOU done with your life? You created the Earth 6,000 years ago. BFD! I entered a video in Madonna’s “Make My Video” contest on MTV in 1986 and they fucking played it on the air, TWICE, and said my name, but you don’t see me going around bragging about it every two seconds.

Let me see if I understand this… Mr. C. is dead but right now, as we speak, Guy Fieri is buying a totally “money” belt buckle that looks like dice? It just doesn’t add up.

I realize this Happy Days intro is from the time period when the show sucked and it started to look like the 80s even though it was still the 50s and Fonzie was a teacher or something, but I wanted you to see the super douche move that occurs at the 0:49 mark. Watch closely.

21 responses so far

Jul 13 2010

God, for killing Harvey Pekar!

Harvey Pekar

I won’t even try to be a smart ass today because I am genuinely sad about the death of Harvey Pekar and don’t really want to make a joke out of it.

I also don’t feel like going into a long explanation of who Harvey Pekar is because I’m assuming most of you already know and quite honestly I don’t think I can do him justice with my half-assed attempt at an obituary. If you haven’t read American Splendor I command you to do so! I don’t even like comic books or illustrated novels but I love American Splendor! Likewise, if you have not seen the brilliant movie about Harvey, also titled American Splendor, you should watch it immediately.

Like most people, I was first introduced to Harvey Pekar via his confrontational Letterman appearances. If you are unfamiliar or a little younger than me, you need to keep those appearances in context. First of all, television had never seen anything like Late Night with David Letterman. It seems commonplace now but at the time Letterman’s antics were groundbreaking and shocking. He pushed the limits of what could be done on TV, specifically the limits of how entertaining the mundane could be. You simply did not see people on a major network dedicating entire segments to throwing things off a five-story building or stupid tricks performed by animals.

Now, add a cranky comic book writer from Cleveland who didn’t give a shit that he was biting the hand that feeds with every appearance and it was impossible to turn away. Again, this was decades before the TV was filled with self-destructive reality “stars” and it was fascinating to witness.

Like Letterman, Pekar pulled high drama out of the seemingly mundane. He simply told the story of his day to day life in comic book form, warts and all. Mostly warts. He was an outsider artist who managed to poke his head into the mainstream from time to time but only long enough to make himself uncomfortable, then it was back to obscurity at his hospital job in Cleveland. His books are incredibly engaging but as I sit here trying analyze why I feel that way I can’t come up with a reason. I mean he writes about riding the bus and working as a filing clerk but somehow you can’t wait for the next page.

I’m trying to think of some big smart-sounding way to end this but I guess it makes more sense to just say I’m glad people like Harvey Pekar exist.

Harvey’s first Letterman appearance. He came out swinging from the beginning. (Bad audio in some parts)
Part 1

Part 2

Things were still going OK at this point.

This gets a little bumpy.

Possibly Harvey’s last Letterman Appearance in 1993

8 responses so far

Mar 10 2010

God, for killing Corey Haim… ON MY BIRTHDAY!

Published by under Why?!?

corey haim dead at 38

Not only is MY birthday ruined, I’m sure Corey Feldman is having a pretty shitty day too. This is one of your all time boners, God!

True story… I was in a movie with Corey Haim and spent the better part of a day with him. It was the most beautiful day of my life. What is it going to take for God to kill Guy Fieri and leave the good ones alone?!? God is a douchebag.

If you have never seen Corey Haim’s self-produced video “Me, Myself and I” I suggest you find a copy and spend the day in bed watching it. Unfortunately, it looks like that is how I will be spending my birthday.

Throw it to Lucas, in heaven.

22 responses so far

Dec 31 2009

God’s killing spree of 2009!

vengeful god

Holy crap, God sure was busy killing his way through Hollywood this year. What is up that guy’s ass lately? You’d think the guy would just sit back, relax and count his blessings, but no, he feels the need to constantly kill the most important people on the planet… celebrities. His long list of trophy kills in 2009 includes:

– Famous white entertainer, Michael Jackson
– Famous big nipples, Farrah Fawcett
– Famous nerd and Dungeons & Dragons creator, Dave Arneson
– Famous Golden Girl and TV abortion getter, Bea Arthur
– Famous porn star and Ivory Soap box model, Marilyn Chambers
– Famous geriatric porn star Blue Iris (why does God hate porn so much?)
– Famous creepy guy, Ron Silver
– Famous creepy guy, David Carradine
– Famous creepy guy and man of 1,000 voices, Fred Travalena
– Famous creepy magician, Danny Gans (why not Criss Angel instead?)
– Famous Burt Reynolds punching bag, Dom Deluise
– Famous lover of teens (in a good way), John Hughes
– Famous inventor of the electric guitar, Les Paul
– Famous rubber band magnet, Captain Lou Albano
– Famous not placer of Baby in the corner, Patrick Swayze
– Famous horrible skier, Natasha Richardson
– Famous fantasy granter, Ricardo Montalban
– Famous Budweiser abuser, Ed McMahon
– Famous beard dyer, Billy Mays
– Famous two-time God victim, Adam Goldstein (DJ AM)
– Famous sexy loon, Brittany Murphy
– Famous White House pussy, Socks the cat.

Well God, are you proud of yourself? Thanks for ruining everything, you ruiner!

I hope everyone has a fantastic 2010 and escapes the cruel hand of our lord and savior.

15 responses so far

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