“To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us then maybe Jesus did to some people. I think they are both about even, they are both icons.”
Well put dumb-ass, now promise me you will never have children or be responsible for anything living, ever. Don’t buy a hamster or even a house plant. Just sit quietly in your La-Z-Boy, eat pizza-flavored Combos and watch “Jon and Kate Plus 8” until you die.
I’ve already discussed idiots who think they see Jesus in their food, but at least their holy discoveries kind of look like Jesus. This tree stump looks suspiciously like a tree stump. Is this an elaborate joke being played on me? I can’t see ANYTHING that resembles ANYTHING in this Stockton, California tree stump. God, I hate these people.
Michael Jackson rant #2
Did you see the news coverage of today’s memorial service at the Staples Center? All the newscasters were speaking in gentle hushed tones about Michael Jackson and his life. Fuck off, these are the same people who lived to tear him down and exploit any strange thing he did. Too late to play nice, assholes. Yes, Jackson was a weird guy but the media’s relentless condemnation of him helped make him that way.
Michael Jackson rant #3
What could have been the most touching and emotional moment during the memorial was ruined by the Jackson family’s never-ending inclination to “perform.” Michael’s daughter Paris attempted to express her love for her father but was quickly schooled by 50 Jacksons about mic technique. The poor kid literally disappeared in a sea of Jackson hands while trying to say a heart-felt goodbye to her dad. They were telling her to “speak up” while taking turns jamming the mic in her little face. It’s hard enough to speak at your father’s funeral, especially when it’s in a fucking stadium, without being told you are doing it wrong. Watch it here
What the fuck?!? God is on a killing spree and for once in my life I am happy I’m NOT a famous. Assuming God likes to kill celebrities in 3’s, I guess we should be prepared to lose 2 more this week for a total of 6 in about a week! Who knows if he will even stop there, he might clear out all of Hollywood, which would be a disaster for this guy’s career. What did Billy Mays ever do to you, God? What is up your holy ass?
I loved Billy Mays, and I don’t mean that in a mocking way. For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated with pitchmen (not the show, the profession). In college I even video taped my favorite infomercial (carnauba car wax) so I could watch it over and over. Yeah, I was THAT cool in college.
A good pitchman can literally hypnotize you into thinking you are an idiot for not already owning kitchen knives that can cut a car in half. Billy Mays was one of my all-time favorites and I’m sad we will no longer be treated to his trademark “Hi, Billy Mays here…” yelled at a volume loud enough to make your hair move a little. And the beard, fuck, I’m going to miss that beard.
UPDATE: God had a busy weekend but he found time to also kill Fred Travalena.
Geez god, what’s the deal dude? Did someone give you one of those motivational “Successories” posters and did it inspired you to make the “most of your day?” Well hooray for you tough guy, you really seized the day! Oh, and nice work on the anal cancer. It’s not bad enough to give Farrah cancer, you have to make it cancer of the anus? What a dick. Don’t even talk to me right now.
Lest ye forget what a bad-ass Michael Jackson once was, here he is laying it down at an age when you were still crapping your jammies.
And check out this A capella version of “The Love You Save” – INCREDIBLE!
Geez God, what the hell? Did you have to kill Eartha Kitt on Christmas? Is it because she sang about your arch-rival Santa Claus in the amazing “Santa Baby”? Man, take a day off from all the killing and enjoy your son’s birthday.
Eartha Kitt was my favorite Catwoman, hands down and “Santa Baby” is in my top 10 Christmas songs of all time. Eartha Kitt was awesome. She passed away from colon cancer in her Connecticut home at age 81.
Way to go God, ya jerk! You think it’s funny to take Golden Girls star Estelle Getty just three days before her 85th birthday? Is that funny to you tough guy?
Estelle Getty was by far my favorite Golden Girl. For those of you who think it’s more important to read a book than watch awesome TV, Estelle played the part of the sassy but classy Sophia Petrillo, mother of Bea Arthur’s character Dorthy Zbornak although she was actually younger than Bea. Estelle Getty was genuinely funny as Sophia and I highly recommend you stop reading that stupid book of yours and go buy every DVD box set of the Golden Girls immediately.
