So there’s no post today but it’s not my fault. Last night was my office Christmas party and I’m surprised I’m even alive. I’m pretty sure I got someone pregnant last night but I don’t know if it was Janet from accounting or Keith the IT guy. Let’s just sum up the night with a list of things I witnessed with my own eyes… a woman throwing up into her own lap, a tow truck, a small electrical fire, 5 breasts, 1 penis (not including my own), my boss’s daughter forcing me to watch her strip totally nude in the bathroom, shoplifting, public urination, a man eat an entire XL pizza in under 7 minutes and a dog wearing pants.
Also, none of that is true, except the boss’s daughter stripping in the bathroom, that really happened but it was 12 years ago. Honestly, I was just too tired last night to write. My office party is Friday but I work with 3 people so the chance of crazy antics is low. I am sorry.
1. Be white. The whiter the better. Try to be almost clear if possible.
2. Be drunk and/or high at least 65% of any given day.
3. Be so incredibly stupid that when you aren’t drunk and/or high it’s impossible to tell the difference.
4. Be poor.
5. Be shaped like a beanbag chair. Alternatively, be shockingly skinny from crystal meth abuse.
6. Have lots of free time. Don’t let bullshit like school or a job get in the way of your Juggalo activities. That fat face isn’t going to paint itself.
7. Love to braid your hair.
8. Have crooked hands. I don’t know what it is but anytime I see a photo of a Juggalo their hands and fingers are all twisted up. I wonder if this is caused by a steady diet of Faygo, off-brand beef sticks and video games.
9. Be in a wheelchair. Juggalos in wheelchairs get extra bonus points!
10. Be amazed and perplexed by magnets.
Gallery of parental failure:
“Water, fire, air and dirt. Fucking magnets, how do they work?”
Wow, what a day it has been! so much talk of pee and poop and balls. I am overwhelmed by the care and detail given to the subject of peeing while sitting. I now know what it is like to win an Oscar.
So (thanks to beer) I would like to say that I am so impressed, and sometimes intimidated, by the readers and commentors on this website. Your comments are often better than my lame attempts at humor or social commentary or whatever it is I do here. To be honest, it kind of pisses me off when I read comments that are better than what I wrote. Only sort of though.
Really I am proud that, for the most part, the people who waste their time reading my bullshit are so smart and funny. When I write a post I feel genuine fear and pressure to deliver something good because I know most of you guys are funny and smart. Writing does not come naturally to me so writing each night can be a daunting task. (I wish you could see how hard spellcheck is working to keep me on track right now). I would like to point out that the recent comments on my scrubbing bubbles post are not included in the “smart” category.
The point is, I just want to say (thanks to being a happy drunk) I genuinely really appreciate you guys for wasting your time reading my bullshit. I’m only saying this because I’m drunk, starting Monday I will be calling you all idiots again.
(for the record, it took me approximately one million hours to write this)
“What the? Is there a doctor in the house? Please hurry!”
“What part of OLOGIST don’t you understand?”
“All of it.”
And… scene!
Don’t get me wrong, I like a good bartender who knows his or her shit and can whip up some old school cocktails, but can we stop with this “mixologist” nonsense? If your main source of income comes in the form of tips you are not allowed to be an “ologist” of any sort. Your job description can include “tender” or “keep” but let’s stop pretending you work at NASA.
Be proud to be a bartender! You are among greats like Tom Cruise, Moe, the slutty whores of Coyote Ugly and Tammy. Stop in and see Tammy!
When I first heard the term “Bros Icing Bros” I thought frat boys were finally giving in to their homosexual fantasies and jerking off all over each other. “Dude, I totally just Iced all over McGillicutty’s face while he was playing Guitar Hero, it was classic bro.”
I have to admit, when I discovered Bros Icing Bros was less about random jizz attacks and more about forced drinking I was still intrigued. In case you have an actual life outside of the internet I will explain the rules of Icing your bros. If your bro manages to put a bottle of Smirnoff Ice in your line of vision you must immediately drop to one knee and chug the entire bottle, no matter where you are or what time of day it is. If you refuse you are to be excommunicated and shunned forever and may never be considered a bro again. HOWEVER, if you present your bro with an Ice they can “Ice block” you by presenting their own bottle of Ice, at which point the original Icer must drop to a knee and drink BOTH Smirnoff Ices.
As a concept I like this little game. Nothing is more satisfying than making your friends miserable. So on the surface, bros icing bros has some merit. HOWEVER, like most things dude-types participate in, the concept is lost in poor execution. Rather than coming up with a creative way to make their friends happen upon an Ice, most of these bros simply excitedly run up to their friends and hand them a Smirnoff Ice with all the coolness of a little giggly girl freaking out at a Twilight premiere.
Come on BROS, butch it up a little! These real versions of Bros Icing Bros might actually be more gay than my original understanding of the game.
Calm down ladies, don’t get your flip-flops all tangled in a bunch.
“Get on your knees bro (giggle giggle)”
Hipsters Icing Hipsters – “I’m going to Ice Baker, I’m going to Ice the fuck out of Baker with a pineapple.” Um, look out Baker, I think you are about to be raped.
You just got Iced. Now, drink it naked while we all watch.
Why can’t douchebags drink beer from a normal bottle? They just aren’t happy unless they are drinking their watery piss out of a plastic bottle, a metal bottle, a wide-mouth bottle, a bottle shaped like a bowling pin,* or a bottle shaped like Mike Ditka’s cock.
If only there was a way to suck down this shitty beer slightly faster. Introducing the “Vortex” bottle from the makers of your favorite diaper juice, Miller Lite. Apparently this NASA-designed bottle creates an internal tornado of beer blah blah blah that speeds up your drinking schedule, allowing for more rounds of Golden Tee and moderately gay horseplay with your bros. Seems like maybe they are admitting their “beer” tastes like water sitting in an old tire and the best way to get though the experience of drinking it is to get it over with quick, just like when your mom used to ram a spoonful of cough syrup down your throat.
You are probably wondering if this new technology actually works. Well, you are in luck! In the following clip, four of the smartest scientists on Earth gather to test the Vortex at the world famous Horseshoe Lounge labs in Geneva Switzerland. It might be difficult to follow everything they are saying but don’t feel bad, they are processing thought at an elevated level that you and I could never comprehend. These people are as smart as computers! It happens off camera but I think I recognize the voice of Korean Physicist Kim Ung-yong declaring, “The Vortex bottle is full of shit.”
*The Budweiser bowling pin bottle is actually the greatest thing to happen to beer. Too bad it was filled with Budweiser.
Yeah yeah, I know… “You’re really phoning it in Listy.” Fuck off, I have a job and sometimes it requires me to blow off being awesome on this website that you worship so much. On the other hand, you are in for a real treat. My friend (also editor of this site) sent me one of these clips today and I am embarrassed by how much I enjoyed it.
So sit it back, snap into a Slim Jim and enjoy the only good thing about those fucking annoying novelty singing fish pieces of shit.
