You just made my list!

Question: Have you ever seen a guy dressed as a pimp for Halloween who was NOT a huge douchebag?
Answer: No.

I think a better name for this costume would be “Guy who will fail to give you an orgasm but will jizz in your hair before yacking all over your bed and probably also a little in your hair so now you have barf and jizz in your hair.” That might be a little long for the packaging but you have to admit, it’s catchy!

I would be willing to bet my life savings (currently in negative status) that both Jon Gosselin and Guy Fieri have dressed as pimps at some point in their douchey lives. Chew on THAT before you decide to dress as a pimp this year!

I should have written about this yesterday, since it was actually Talk Like Shakespeare Day, but I was too busy talking like an adult and doing adult things. As far as I know, this bullshit only took place in Chicago but you can waste your time trying to figure it out at talklikeshakespeare.org.

I kind of feel like a jerk for hating “fun” stuff like this but I can’t help it, I just do. Remember International Talk Like a Pirate Day? I hated that just as much, maybe more. So, on Talk Like a Pirate Day do you talk exclusively like a drunken Arrrrgh-style pirate or can you also talk like the pirates from Somalia? What do they say? I think it’s mostly stuff like “I’m going to kill you and dump your body in the ocean.” FUN!

The main reasons I hate things like Talk Like Shakespeare Day is because I used to have to do graphic design for crap like this and I was always amazed at the amount of wasted time that went into these misguided campaigns. Imagine spending weeks working late and taking conference calls with well-meaning poisonous bunch-back’d toads (their website suggests saying that instead of cursing) about Talk Like Shakespeare Day. No seriously, sit back and imagine it, I will wait…

Horrifying? Methinks yes.

That’s right jerks, I’m done. It’s over. I quit. Take this job and shove it!

I’ve spent almost every night of the last 9 months forcing myself to write this dumb blog and I finally came to the realization that I hate blogging. I don’t even LIKE blogs so what the hell am I doing writing one?

The truth is it has been really fun and I have enjoyed watching a little community of fellow complainers grow around the site and I feel really bad about leaving you all alone with your dark thoughts. On one hand I am happy I will no longer have to force myself to write every day but on the other hand I feel sick about letting my dumb little blog die. I also hate April Fools jokes and I hate myself for playing one today. So stop crying you big idiots. I’m not going anywhere, I’ve got too many things to complain about.

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day please reminisce about how much I hate Irish Dancing!

Happy New Year Everyone!

Now that that’s out of the way… I hate New Year’s Eve. Well, really I hate the pressure of making sure it’s an epically awesome night. I hate being forced to look back over the past year only to realize you have accomplished nothing and you are still the same dumb ass you were exactly one year ago. I hate year-end lists (except for my Food Network douchebag list which is awesome). I hate thinking “maybe this year will be the year it all happens for me” while secretly knowing it will probably be worse than the previous year. I like parties. I like getting drunk.

Whatever, 2008 was a steaming pile of horse shit, good riddance.

If there’s a war on Christmas why do I start seeing Christmas related shit in stores around September 1st? You can’t avoid Christmas in this country, it’s shoved up your Santa hole every two seconds. The “war on Christmas” is just so silly.

Guess what Bill and Toby, there are millions of non-Christians in America and if they would rather say “happy holidays” then who cares? Go change each other’s poopy diapers you big babies.

So to all my readers, I would like to wish you a safe and happy HOLIDAY. To Bill O’Reilly and his girlfriend Toby Keith, Merry Fucking Christmas you turds!

I’m taking a short holiday break. Americans, have a great, safe holiday. Those of you from other countries, have a great, safe normal week doing normal things.

If you were a little kid in the 70s, or even up to the mid 80s, you probably have similar Halloween memories to mine. You would start planning your costume around November 3rd shortly after eating five pillowcases filled with candy over the previous three days and when Halloween finally did roll around you would trick-or-treat for hours. I easily, without exaggeration, walked about 140 miles while trick or treating each Halloween. Keep in mind, if my costume called for it I would walk these long miles in bare feet (i.e. barefoot hobo, barefoot zombie, barefoot cowboy, barefoot Batman).

My parents would remove the window from the front door to more easily hand out candy to the never-ending line of trick-or-treaters who would show up on our stoop all night until they finally were forced to turn the porch light off at 10:30 or 11:00. They always, ALWAYS, ran out of candy and my dad would quickly drive to the store to buy more.

It was Halloween motherfucker and it fucking RULED!

Sadly, tragically really, those days are over. Last year I moved to a house after living in an apartment the city for 15 years and I was ready for a long night of answering the door to a chorus of little voices screaming “TRICK-OR-TREAT” in unison but the doorbell rang twice, exactly TWICE! First, four cute little kids dressed as Spidermen and princesses rang my bell, YAY! Then an hour later two teens dressed as two teens rang the the bell and demanded candy. Happy fucking Halloween.

I ran into my 9 year old neighbor today and asked if she was excited about Halloween. She shrugged. I asked what she was dressing up as and she said “we are not allowed to dress up at our school.” I curled up into a ball and cried until my tears formed a puddle around me.

I know I sound like an old man complaining about “my day” but come on, what’s the deal? I know what the deal is, parents think their kids are going to be poisoned or razor bladed or whatever. This fear is baseless and not anchored by fact whatsoever. Creepy loners don’t put razor blades in apples and they don’t hand out poisoned candy. It just does not happen.

I honestly feel sad for these kids. Halloween was second only to Christmas when I was growing up. Maybe someone should create an “Extreme Trick-or-Treat” game for Xbox so kids can sit at home on their fat asses all night.