You just made my list!

Merry Christmas, can someone turn up the air conditioning?

I realize the NASCAR season eats up a lot of your time and now that Cheaters is on twice a day it’s hard find a free moment but maybe it’s time to put your snowman and candy canes away. Either that or just burn your house down. Just burn it to the ground and walk away.

I recently read that a house with Christmas lights dangling from its sad gutters in August has a 36% chance of containing a fully-clothed corpse sitting in a chair and is four times more likely to have at least one bathtub that is used as a toilet. I think it was in Newsweek or possibly The Economist.

Can’t I just walk to Old Navy and return these cargo pants in peace without seeing your fat lazy ass getting molested by a robot in front of Cinnabon?

I don’t need to see you on the brink of an orgasm while you sit there getting a happy ending from a La-Z-Boy in your Everybody Loves Raymond T-shirt. And for the love of God, can you PLEASE put your shoes (Crocs) back on? Your dirty Frito toenails are ruining my appetite for Sbarro.

Is this “massage” a wise investment? Can you really relax while basking in the glow of The Cell Phone Zone? Luckily, you won’t need massage oil because the sweat of every Insane Clown Posse fan who preceded you keeps your little robot chair nice and lubed.

Congratulations, you found a way to make shopping malls even more horrible.

Really? Seriously? For Reals?!?

I’m guessing if you are the kind of person who is lazy enough to use an automatic shower sprayer you have a bathroom that requires more help than this piece of shit can provide. A push of this magic button is not going to erase the last 10 years of failure as a human being. You are still going to have Flamin Hot Cheeto dust all over your “Everybody Loves Raymond” T-shirt after asking your new high tech shower robot (you will think it’s a robot) to clean that filthy hell hole you call a shower.

Maybe I’m being too harsh but I’m pretty sure I am right about everything, always. GOD DAMN, I’m awesome!

I already know nobody is going to care about this subject and I’m going to get comments like “you are really starting to suck Listy, I hope you die,” so please kiss my freshly groomed personal area!

Here’s the deal, it’s my fucking blog website and I HATE seeing signs with lights burned-out so I’m going to write about it!

These jerks are like little kids begging for a dog, “I will walk him and feed him and pet him and brush him every day. Please can we have a puppy? PLEASE?” Sure, their sign looks kickass the first month when all the bulbs are happily flashing away. Then one bulb burns out and the owner says to himself “I will change that bulb next week.” That week turns into 15 years and the next thing you know I’m staring at 247 burned-out bulbs and 3 working lights desperately trying to pick up the slack.

If you want to have an awesome sign with tons of lights then it is your duty to keep ME happy with constant sign maintenance. Why do you want to upset me? Take care of that precious little puppy for the love of God!

I purchased a new “personal groomer” last week to prevent my “personal” areas from looking like a 70’s porno. Like a lot of items these days, it was sealed up nice and tight in a clear plastic clamshell package. I took one look at this packaging and realized it was going to be a while before I started trimming the yard.

By the way this thing was sealed shut you’d think it was a time capsule containing all the secrets of mankind meant to be shot into space. Without exaggeration, I would estimate that it took me about 13 hours to get it open.

Can you believe how hard my life is?

Sorry, I need a day off from bitching. Well, really it’s just because I ran out of time today but tomorrow I will complain extra hard!

Feel free to comment with anything that’s on your list but just don’t make it funnier than my posts!